A
female
age
30-35,
*idsummer
writes:My bf says we always do what I want but that isn't true at all. I want a treadmill, to be able to workout in our apt because I have a lot of anxiety and I also have stomach issues and exercising really helps. So I tried tling him all this, but he doesnt understand. He thinks im crazy to buy a treadmill when we have some in the apartment complex. But he doesn't get that, I dont like to workout with people and my allergies are really bad in this season. He says the treadmill is ugly and big, and expensive. Even though I paid for it.He also has allergies, so we cant have pets. Also, he doesn't like going to the beach so we cant do that either. Also, he doesn't like playing music so I can't listen to it indoors.I am compromising so why cant he. Is he or right or am I? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 April 2016):
 About the treadmill, I absolutely agree with your bf. It is an expensive, ugly, cumbersome object, if you have a large family house , and a basement like Honeypie's, lucky girl, then ok, but if you live in your typical young couple's starter apartment, why would you want to plant your behemoth in the middle of the living room or bedroom- when you have one available right in your building !
Ok, the anxiety and all that, I get it, but, you see.... that's exactly the point. If you suffer from anxiety, first and foremost you should work on how to remove or manage the anxiety , rather than how to remove all the things and persons which may cause anxiety ! You are already having a hard time to eat your lunch at work, because you can't go to the cafeteria and eat among people, so you have to eat on a park bench or something. Now, you can't execise among people, so you need to bring the gym into an one bedroom apartment.
Then, what is gonna be ? You'll flood your living room because you can't go to the swimming pool ?... I mean, sure, with a little ingenuity there is always a way to pussyfoot around our fears, difficulties, challenges.... but what a life. And what a stress. Better being SERIOUS about stuff and starting tackling your problem slowly, gradually,... ( like, maybe starting with exercising in public for only 5 minutes, when you can handle 5 you stretch to 10 , etc.... )but seriously. For real. No temporary Band- Aids.
For all the rest.... I'll second Honeypie again, it's not a matter of being right or wrong, everybody is entitled to have their preferences and tastes, so everybody is right. The problem is finding a solution that's at least somewhat palatable to both.
Compromise does not really mean that you give up to all you like and want for another person, NOR that you have to force that person to do things they hate.
The idea would be to be creative and flexible enough , to find out an acceptable substitute or modification of the original want. I don't feel like you are doing a big effort in this sense ....
Like, the pets allergy. Well, for this there's really no " compromise ", it's not even a matter of compromising- if he is allergic he is allergic and pets are bad for his health, do you want him to have asthma attacks or end up at the E.R. for the sake of " compromise " ?! ... The compromise here would be that , if you have a passion for pets, you volunteer at a dog or cat shelter, or you offer to help friends and relatives with feeding and walking their pets etc.
The beach : you can go to the beach, he is not stopping you, is he ? Here the compromise would be that maybe you can't go every day, or every weekend, as you'd do if he came along too,- no big deal. You spend less time than ideal at the beach,- but you still get to go to the beach AND to spend time with your boyfriend.
Music : well, that's what they have invented headphones for. I love music, and if I am alone there's always music on , but if you live with someone who does not like music, or does not like that kind of you music you listen, it will feel to him like the sound of the dentist's drill- from annoying to sheer torture.
In short, compromise does not have always and necessarily mean sacrifice for either one, - as long as people are mature , intelligent and committed enough to want to make it work . Do you really want to ? Or won't it be , by any chance, that you found that playing house is not even half as fun and easy as it sounded on paper... and you are looking for reasonable- sounding excuses to get out of your arrangement ?...
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 April 2016):
 You still seem to think that it's about being right or wrong. It's not. It's about finding ways to coexist with each other. OR not live together at all. I swear my hubby has PLENTY of annoying habits (and I'm sure I do too) but we have made living together possible for a long long time. Why? Because life isn't black and white. And living together? Not always a bed of roses. Instead of being angry about things to partner does TALK about it.
We bought a used treadmill and it's GREAT! Thankfully we DO have room for one ( in the basement) and we all (except hubby) uses it. So it's not just gathering dust.
However, if you DO have a gym in your apartment building I would USE that and see if you REALLY would use a treadmill as much as you "think" you will. I know SO many people who have a almost new treadmill in their bedrooms and all it's used for is collecting dust and storing stuff on.
When we lived at our last home we had a gym 5 minutes away, and while I am NOT a fan of working out in a huge room full of people, I found PLENTY of times to work out and basically have the gym to myself. And if there were other's there, I just focused on the workout. An IPod works wonders! (you plug your headphones in your ear and can happily "ignore" everything around you). Which covers my answer to you - he doesn't like playing music. Get an IPod and when YOU want to listen to music do so at any time and any volume. When he isn't home but you are, LISTEN to music as you see fit.
Going to the beach, well you CAN go without him, right ? I mean you are not super glued to each other, correct?
Not getting a pet. Well, in your case... I think it's SMART to not get one. The possibility of you two not working out long term is there, and then what happens to the pet? So yeah, wait with the pet till later. And if he IS allergic it's rather irresponsible to get a pet. Depending on how bad his pet allergies are. I have a niece who after 45 minutes near a cat/dog gets red runny eyes, nose and trouble breathing.. would you WANT that for your partner?
Allergy tablets are less than a Pound a month.
How are you compromising? I don't really see anything in your post where it shows that YOU are doing all the compromising.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 April 2016):
 I don't think it is a case off which one of you is right and which one of you is wrong, it is not a competition between you both. You just need to both work on the relationship and make sure you both make enough effort to keep each other happy.
If he is saying that you both always do what you want to do well then why not ask him what he wants to do? Try make an effort to do something he wants half the time and see if this helps.
He doesn't understand your anxiety sweetie because he does not experience it, he doesn't understand what it feels like to have that sense of fear and panic. A panic attack is the worst feeling and a lot of people don't understand it that has not been through it so you need to try and see it from his point of view as well. He cannot understand why you are unable to just use the public one and save your money and the space it is taking up in your apartment. Maybe you should get him a booklet on anxiety and learning to deal with a partner who suffers from it, maybe it will shed some light for him.
Okay he doesn't like going to the beach or listening to music, but that does not stop you going to the beach and enjoying yourself, therefore why don't you? It sounds like you are using his dislikes against him and it is not good to be bitter in a relationship, it will end badly if this is how you feel towards him.
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