A
female
age
36-40,
*enna87
writes:hi guys. recently iv been haveing a few problems, and i think its really affecting my relaitonship.im suffering from depression and i think i have a few other issues.recently me and my partner have been falling out a lot and things are close to an end, we spend time together but we dont do anything , we just chill and watch tv, but we dont see our mates either.we had a chat the other day and decided that we had to spend time togehter doing things and time with our friends doin things and with out friends together.but on saturday we were meant to be doing something together, we hadnt made any exact plans, but he suggested to go to a party , and i said yea that sounds great, then realised i was in work the next morning so i had to say i couldnt,unless we left early. i asked him and he said he was still going to the party and wasnt leaving until he was ready to.i asked him why we couldnt go the cinema or somthing and he said cause he was going to the party and he wasnt gonna let his mates down. i asked him if id of said the cinema before he said about the party, would he of still gone, and he said no,he would of gone cinema. so i guess what im tryin to ask is, am i right to get upset with him, should he of not gone to the party or should i of been cool about it and let him go with no problems?because of my current problems i dont know if im over reacting or not ,but in my head i see it as , you leave with who you came with/you dont leave your other half to go home on their own. an why could he so easily break plans with me that he had had for a few day to go to a mates party that he had only found out about that day?! we have spoken about this night since and we keep arguing over who was right. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, jenna87 +, writes (7 July 2009):
jenna87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit wasnt so much that he has commited to the party- he had earlier on in the day commited to us doing something together. we both knew i had work, and we both forgot. but i was so unimpressed as we were meant to be doing something together that night as we were meant to be going away with both our friends on the following monday. also his friends partys arent the kind you can go to ,stay sober and cut short.
iv also always belived that if you go out some where- with friends or partners, that if you arrive together,you should at least leave together. maybe its just the way i was brought up. but i wouldnt think twice about leaving when a friend or partner wanted to if id gone with them, after all, id gone with them to spend time with them also and made arrangements to 'spend time together'. my friends all think the same as me , you leave with who you came with.....
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 June 2009):
 I think spending time with friends and apart from your mate/SO/Partner is VITAL.
I also think that after the "honeymoon" fase is over hanging out watching tv or playing cards can make for a nice cosy evening.
Now if your partner was a "Bro's before Ho's" type he wouldn't even spend an evening on the sofa with you.
You suffering from depression is tough enough. I truly hope you are getting help for that. Depression is rough, it is not something you can "just" shake off. Consider getting help. Go see your doctor and go from there.
When people are depressed they see through a whole different set of "eyes" and unfortunately loved ones around a depressed person suffers too.
Talk to your man. Find a day a week for him to hang with his friends or every other Saturday.. whatnot. But YOU need to spend time with your friends too.
I think personally that is was PERFECTLY ok for him to go to a party he had commited too. And even if you might have to cut a party short doesn't mean you should stay at home, not that he absolutely HAS to go home with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): Compromise - party one week, cinema the next.
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A
female
reader, advicegem +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Hi Jenna,I think you answered this question at the beginning of your post, "things are close to an end".It sucks and you won't want to hear it, but honestly... if you were in a happy relationship, this issue with th eparty would be old news and you would have moved on from it regardless of who was right.For what it's worth, I also see both sides. However, he suggested somehting to do when you had no plans (except to do something together that was not just hanging out). He didn't know you had to work early the next morning, and indeed you also forgot.Th eparty sounded like fun and once he committed himself to his friends, he wasn't going to back out. and I think that's reasonable.However... if you were in a happy healthy relationship, the scenario would have looked a bit different. He would have suggested the party, which you were excited about. Then you remember you have to work early the next morning. SInce you care about him and knew he was excited to go to this party and see his friends, maybe an approach such as "oh, I just realized that I have to work early tomorrow, so I won't be able to stay all night, but if you're okay with me leaving early then I'd still love to go" Of course it will suck to go home early and leave him having fun... but if he doesn't have to work early the next day, why should he have to end his night early too. However, if teh feelings are mutual, his response would have been closer to "I appreciate that, but I'll come home with you when you leave".It should have been a mutual compromise, and it wasn't. And what's more, it's been the source of countless arguments since then.I think you need to sit down and reeavaluate your relationship with him and if you both decide you want to work it out, you need to start fresh, don't bring this up again. Also you need to start by laying out your expectations for each other. For example, if Saturday night is date night, let him know what that means for you and make sure you are aware of each others expectations and needs.Good luck :)
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