A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for about 18 years. We have 2 children. i want to know if he is doing wrong or if i am doing wrong......we both live together in a small house, he always works(he works almost everyday but i only work once every 2 weeks because i have to take care of the kids) but i don't just stand around either....i ALWAYS cook, clean, spend time with the kids, ON RARE occasions is it that i ever go out, i always go out to buy groceries by myself, i always do almost EVERYTHING by myself. he never helps out because he doesn't know how to do anything starting with the smallest favors such as when i ask him to turn off the oven in exactly 2 min while i go buy some groceries....when i get back, i see the food all burnt. He always complains about how i always complain about how he has to pay the bills, always ask him for money(i do ask him for money but ONLY for things like groceries or such) i never even complain because he has a tough job....i would love for him to at least come home and spend time with the kids or have a nice family meal but as soon as he gets home he eats with us ....while payin more attention to his favorite show and then straight off to bed.(i know he's tired but he should at least help out a little more) he doesnt have a strong relationship with my son because they rarely talk but he does have a fairly good relationship with my older daughter. another thing i don't like about him is his way of responding to situations. he always uses a LOUD voice when trying to correct somethin. for example one day i might be reminding him that the rent is due in a week he'll not necesarily yell but tell me in a mean voice that he WILL have the money ready. it's just his way of being i suppose. He is a very nice man. he would never hurt or touch my kids. he is also very funny and nice. basically he is 90% a GREAT dad/husband but then he kills it with his mean way of approaching a situation. but now i just want to know if you think im right about me thinking he should at least help me out a little more for example this thanksgiving dinner... i stayed up till 2am last night cooking all by myself.. with no help...and im still working on it now but i think he should at LEAST help out a little more WITHOUT complaining and stop being so mean when approaching a situation with an agressive voice...or am i wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): I know what you can do. Stop doing it all!! Just for a week. See how he reacts then when he starts shouting and realising how much you do for him, and that he has to do everything himself!!I kid of course. This is a tough situation. It sounds like this has been the arrangment for so long so its a habit really, and some habits are hard to break.What you probably need to do is make subtle changes. I know with my partner we share the chores, we both work full time but at times I find myself doing more than him in the chore department - probably because im a woman and it just takes over. Anyway one thing I do is his washing and ironing. I started putting everything away for him, now i fold it roughly, place it on his side of the bed and he has to come in and put it away. It takes him a whole of 5 minutes and I know hes not the type to push it on the ground and will put it away.Does your husband have weekends alone at home ever? Like when you and the kids go out for the day? Maybe leave some washing up, hide the glasses and when he needs something he'll have to wash it to use it...maybe (just maybe) he'll actually wash it all up.The other obvious thing is to sit down and talk to him. Tell him that you love caring for your kids and doing the chores and you know he has a tough job that is tiring, but that sometimes you feel he isnt happy about coming home to you (his family) and you want to know whats going on for him. He may not open up, but maybe he will and explain what is going on in his mind.I dare say its either habit or just his personality and it may also mean just accepting things as they are, not dwelling on it and trying to be happy. Happiness spreads even if its just feeling happier within yourself...somehow it spreads. same with anger. If youre angry, others pick up on it and the mood in the place seems to be bad.Sorry on I go, but these are just some suggestions you may be able to think about. good luck!
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 Unfortunately in your case, you belong to the previous generation. Modern women who get married today expect the man to help out more with domestic things, but even we can't quite get there. There's no realistic equal share of burdens in the modern marriages either. Maybe the next generation will be better off.
But, you can always try teaching an old dog new tricks. I just don't think they will sit well with him or sink in, and I think before too long he'll be back to the way things have been for him for the last 18 years.
You are right. He should help out more. He should spend less time at work and more time at home, or YOU should be allowed to go out and work and HE stay at home with all your domestic chores. That's just as fair. Just because he is a man doesn't give him the right, not these days anyway, to work and not tend to kids or do domestic chores. But back in the days of when he and you grew up, that's how it was done. It isn't by random that you are the one who stays at home while he works, after all. That's socially-culturally determined. Trying to change it you are also trying to go against habits of society. The feminists have been working at this for some 40 years already... but things take time.
So yes, you are right, he should help out more, but tough luck, the world isn't fair and you were born the woman. I am afraid you won't be seeing your husband help you out in the kitchen at 2 am anytime soon. Maybe the next generation of women will see it though, here's for hoping.
PS. And GREAT for those few of you men who do their share of household work, I hold a torch out for the modern men who do their own laundry and cook their own meals, I know there are more and more of you out there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): 1) How did his Dad example to him how to be as a Man/Father?2) Have you thought to make time to get some how to communicate through a weekend seminar? I think all this is is a break down in communication, which also means listening.It sounds to me that Husband is feeling over worked and under appreciated. Does he take flack at work? So he comes home and eventhough you are reminding him of rent is due because women have the Greater capacity to multi task over men- we do that to keep things orderly and smooth running. Its a way to assure ourselves that Rent is going to be paid so we don't have to worry about it EITHER. So maybe just mention that to Hubby next time when he has an outburst when you are reminding him. Softly, lovingly go up to him kiss him when he uses his loud voice. Say Honey, I am right here you dont need to raise the voice, I can hear you. I was just reminding you and myself about rent. I do that to help me to remember so I don't have to worry about it being paid or not and not neccesarily that you don't know its due or you won't pay it. Okay? Then kiss him a few more times. Then say thank you for listening. Ask how his day was. Kiss him everytime he ends a sentence.Sometimes its how we, as women, communicate to the man that brings on the short temper, the stress. Husband is in need of down time and isn't meaning to come across as tuning out you and his kids. That's not it at all but I could see how one in the situation could see it as such. Been there. ;)How many times have you stopped to say to Husband 'You know, I find it such a blessing to be at home with the children and be here for them and I know its your hard work that allows me to do that. Thank you so so much for that. It means alot to me and the kids. Sorry If I don't say it enough or it seems like we don't appreciate it because we do?' (Then Hug and Kiss Him.)So after putting in 12 hours of work that Husband is physically, emotionally drained- you think he is wrong because he just seems to only have enough time to eat, unwind while being around his Family for x mintues/hours, so he can then head to bed as him doing wrong???LADY.I'm sorry but to me, you are BOTH doing your roles and duties to one another and the Family. No one is better than the other.That is a part of being a Stay At Home Mom. I know because I have been in that Role and appreciated that I had that while being married.In a day and time in society when there is so much pressure for both a man and woman to work to maintain a higher standard of living- you should feel very thankful and grateful that one, you have a Man that is doing his duty to you and your children by working his butt off to provided a roof over your head, food on the table, and clothing. I'm a single Mom of 3 at home children and sometimes I miss the whole being Married Happy and Stressed and Hustle and Bustle of it all. I miss the friendship, companionship and the inside jokes that only a Husband knows and laughs about. The intimacy of it all.I'd GLADLY switch a week of your life over mine. Not to say I am not happy, I am but I do miss the rolling over and holding the Man I adore at night.What is going on is the old caught up in the stress of life and both sides feeling unappreciated but all you need to do is re-adjust your thinking, your attitude, and how you speak to your Husband and pick up a book to help you with HOW to talk so HE CAN BETTER HEAR and UNDERSTAND YOU.Saying thank you more is a good start. Being more soft and kind when you speak to him, helps.Pick up a Book "Men are From Mars, Women From Venus." by John Gray. There is some pretty interesting translations in that book.Totally will help you with adjusting your translation button when talking to your Martian.*hugs*
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