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female
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anonymous
writes:Hey guys, really hoping for some advice over child access. Basically, my ex and I no longer together. He used to see our son (7 months) every other weekend for the whole weekend and one day in the week. I have never denied him access. However, my ex lives with his parents in an overcrowded house. He has built a cabin type shed thing in the back garden and sleeps out there. It has heating, a double bed and TV in but there is no room for anything else. My ex says its ok for our baby to sleep out there on his weekend stays. I dont agree, for one thing I dont think a garden cabin should be lived in especially in the winter months. Secondly, there is no room for a cot so my ex plans to share his bed with our baby.Also, my ex wont give me his mobile number and says if I ever need to contact him I have to phone his parents number, His dad usually answers and hes always rude to me. My ex also puts me on loud-speaker so his whole family can hear our conversations. And Im not happy with my baby staying away for the whole weekend without me being able to contact them in case of an emergency.I allow my ex to see his son whenever he wants, I just want to be sure my baby is safe and he is contactable so why cant he just agree and do what I ask? Who is being unreasonable here?
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female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (8 December 2010):
You can only do so much. If he will talk to you maybe you should meet up and discuss how this can work out. I understand what you say although my husband and I did have our baby in the bed for 3 months because I was still feeding him. Nothing happened but now we are told it isn't safe - I see why. Perhaps you could talk about him having one of those collapsable cots that are also a playpen. He wzsn't very nice to you was he, I would feel the same way now that you have filled in the gaps. You were being quite nice about him considering. You need to know you can get hold of him or the other way around, or he needs to tell his parents not to speak to you that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): I wish you luck OP, these things are never easy. But at the end of the day you will do what you have to and it doesn't matter how many obstacles they throw in your way I'm sure you'll overcome them.
Your solicitor will be the best one to advise you on what's reasonable or not on your or their part. Just make sure you rise above their pettiness be matter of fact about everything and if I came off as dismissive then I apologize.
You're sure to come across this kind of thing from him, so perhaps you can consider this a bit of practice fighting your corner or even a taste of what's about to come. Either way I do hope everything works out for you and your kid. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerebus, his dad answers the phone to me because it is the house phone, which is located inside the house and which is owned by his parents. His dad is rude to me because Im ringing the house phone and I guess he doesnt like having to go outside and get my ex from the bottom of the garden.
As for me asking whether Im being unreasonable, I just wanted to get a general opinion from outsiders before I put this in the hands of my solicitor. Im not doubting myself in any way, I have my family and friends behind me who also think that he's being unreasonable. But I wanted to get opinions from people who dont know me and dont know my ex or the situation.
Anyway, thanks again to you all for the advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): OP I started my post with not enough info because that was the case.
Forgive me for being skeptical when I only hear one side of the story with such little detail. You know how break ups and troubled relationships with exes work, no matter what you say the other person is nearly always the bad guy. Seriously OP what do you think it looks like to us that he won't give you his mobile number, puts you on speakerphone and only his dad answers you? That to me sounds like he might have been harassed by you phoning him or that you always get into arguments when you call him. Surely when you read back over your question you'll see yourself that can be assumed, even if it is wrong.
You wanted an unbiased opinion and I gave you it based on what little info you gave us.
To you that is a massive deal, but again how was I to know? I know lots of people that sleep with their babies in their bed. But at the end of the day, it's your child how you raise it is not for me to say nor judge. The suitability of his cabin is also not for me to judge, I haven't seen I don't know what it's like.
OP you asked us to judge whether you were being unreasonable. In my opinion based on your original post, I thought it was you that was being unreasonable, your original post look like a person that was nitpicking, someone that for some reason this guys family hated, someone for some reason he wouldn't allow have direct contact with, someone for some reason didn't want their baby sleeping in his cabin and for some reason didn't want them sleeping in the same bed. None of these reasons where clear, so judged based on what you gave us.
From your response it's obvious you think he's the unreasonable one, you know deep down and feel that he is being so, then why ask us? It's your baby, it's not about what's reasonable and what isn't, it's what you feel is best for your baby. So you have laid out some conditions to him in order to best safeguard your baby, then he either complies or he doesn't get that baby for the weekend. It really is as simple as that, I mean I gave you a logical reason as to why I thought you were and you have very good reason to refute that, then why doubt yourself? Why doubt that you know what's best for your baby? Stick to your convictions OP and don't compromise, I'm sure you don't when it comes to your child anyway, so don't doubt yourself on this either. If you are right then it will also hold up in court should he try take that route..
OP if you don't think he's going to be a responsible parent then you need to take better control of his access, your the mother its about what YOU feel is best, not what other people think is reasonable or not. As long as you reasons are sound and they'd hold up in a court of law should he ever try to contest them then it really is up to you.
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female
reader, theatergirl  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 he's the unreasonable one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers guys im grateful of your good advice! However, Cerburus I find your answer to be quite biased to be honest. Dont know if thats cos youre a male so youre trying to see the problem from the fathers point of view? However, youre wrong when you say that he has 'good reson' to behave the way he has been towards me and that I know this but Im not sharing it with you. Well, thats a load of rubbish. We split up before the baby was born because HE cheated on me. He has also attacked me in front of our son, and while I was pregnant begged me to have an abortion and even insisted the baby wasnt his.
So I could of come on here and wrote all of that in my post and painted a really bad picture of him. But because I wanted and unbiased opinion I did not. Now, I have never, ever denied him access. Or his family. There is just a couple of things I would like him to ensure whilst our son is in his care; the main priority being that he has a safe, secure place to sleep. Is that so much to ask? I dont find sharing a double bed in a cramped cabin in a back garden in -4 degrees temperatue secure.
He wont give me his mobile number because hes being downright awkward and doesnt want to be contactable when he has our son, thus forcing me to ring his parents phone and therefore forcing me to speak to them. When we spoke on the house phone and dissagreed about things i.e. money that he should be giving me, or days that he wants/doesnt want to have access, he would put me on loud-speaker so his parents can hear what Im saying. You seem to think that he has good reason for this? Whether he has good reason or not, I dont see how it has anything to do with his parents and is just an attempt to gang up on me and make me feel intimidated.
Oh and sleeping in the same bed with your baby is a MASSIVE deal. Not only is it unsafe, and parents are always being told not to co-sleep as risk of death to the baby etc, I am also in the process of teaching my baby to fall asleep on his own. He has just started sleeping in his own room after sharing my room for 6 months. You probably think this is no big deal, but any mum should agree that it can be a nightmare getting your baby to sleep alone and independently. So my ex allowing him to sleep in his bed with him just completely defeats the object and Im back to square one.
He is 33 years old.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): 'Access' is fraught with problems and has to be worked on so all sides are happy with how everything is working. Seven months old is still very young to be overnight away from Mum if Dad isn't totally familiar with dealing with a young baby through the night. Maybe wait until your child is a little older for sleeping over, although still being generous with access. But communication and compromise is vital here. Everyone wants what is best for the baby in the long run. If you all take that on board it will help you manage the issues that arise.
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reader, Battista +, writes (7 December 2010):
From what you have read your bf is perfectly contactable, only in a manner which you are not comfortable with. It's not like you cant't get in touch with him if necessary. You are an adult and a parent; his dad is rude to you, I'm afraid I have to say so what? You're not calling to speak to his dad. Just ignore it.
Rather like Cerberus I think there is more going on than meets the eye here which we are not privy to. He wouldn't put you on speakerphone for no reason. We can't comment on this as we don't know the background here.
I don't see a problem with the shed either. A friend of mine did the same thing and it was a great little place. Warm, secure, safe, quiet. NOthing wrong there at all, as long as it is sufficiently heated, and you do say it has heating.
I think the only issue could be that of sharing a bed. Ask your bf to have a look at this site because he needs to make sure he has the highest safety standards with the baby there
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/sleep/cosleepingsafely/
That offers lots of tips. If you think it is really ahealth hazard you need to discuss this with him and come up with a compromise. YOu can't just stop the access.
I think you are being unreasonable based on your post. You say you can't contact your bf in an emergency, but this doesn't seem to be true, it's just that you have to call the landline. Depending on what the shed is like I don't think there is a problem with that either. The most important thing is that the baby gets to have a father figure around, and stopping this on the basis of your concerns in the original post would be very selfish, in my opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): We need more info to be honest. From what you're saying he sounds like he's being unreasonable but I have a feeling there's more to it than what you're telling us. You see there must be a reason why he puts you on loudspeaker and why he won't give you his mobile number. There also must be a reason why his dad always answers and why he is rude to you.
I think you know these reasons and there really is only one reason why he would do all those things and take all those precautions. If it is what I think it is then I wouldn't blame him for that.
While it may be easier to contact him in an emergency on a mobile phone, you can just as easily do so by ringing his house, if it's that crowded then there will always be someone there. If it really is a proper emergency then whoever is there will pass on the message.
Have you been to the cabin where he sleeps? It might actually be perfectly adequate if it has heating and there are no drafts. No leaks in the roof etc. I don't think he nor his family would even think of letting his child sleep in there if it wasn't safe. If you haven't seen it then you should go see for yourself. It might not be ideal but he is the father and he should have that time with his child. Sleeping in the same bed for the weekend is not that big a deal.
I don't think anyone can say it's unreasonable for him to not give you his mobile number because he is still contactable 24/7 in an emergency. He obviously has good reason for not wanting direct personal contact with you, and even the contact he does have he puts it on loudspeaker so everyone will hear. I think you know very well why this is, so it is unreasonable of you to demand that when he is still within your reach should there be a problem.
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female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (7 December 2010):
This is all about trust and feeling, some of these will depend on why you split up and how people feel about it. That is why people react such as they do. Your baby’s grandparents are obviously upset about something. It may be anything at all that affects them such as still having their son at home when it is crowded hence the cabin. Feeling you and he should still be together? Being worried that you may keep them from their grandchild? Who knows.
I have been through this too and I know how important it is to see keeping up the relationship with the dad as a responsibility as it is the biggest protection a baby can have and is an investment in their future emotional wellbeing. I know you know this too which is why you have kept things going so well. Some women forget this is the case and start acting as though they are the baby’s only real protector. They guard the kid against imagined threats from dads when by far the biggest threat is finding fault and making things difficult for the child and dad to be together. It is a source of power we have and some misuse it. I want to stress that is not what you have done, so keep up your strength and carry on the way you are.
Your ex has been quite resourceful making his cabin and it sounds quite nice. Perhaps he has put in a lot of effort to get him and his son some privacy and is feeling upset that his efforts are not a good enough for you? Not only that but you want to check up on him. If he has an emergency with the baby he can contact you as there is a phone in the house. If you have an emergency of your own while the baby is there I expect you would call your own parents or in a dire situation you are big and woman enough to brave calling his parents? Especially as it is very unlikely.
If you need to alter a pick-up time or check plans that is necessary but not an emergency. Don’t use the word emergency when you explain that you need to be able to contact him. It is emotive and makes it sound like you don’t trust him or are expecting an emergency to happen while he is looking after the baby.
Since he has been reliable so far I can’t see the problem. It is far more important that your baby has a good relationship with his Dad than where he sleeps. It is difficult to let go, I know, possible to imagine all sorts. But it sound like your ex loves his baby and is responsible.
My suggestion is to talk to him and ask whether he would be willing to share a cheap mobile phone? Whoever has the baby has the phone so you pass it to each other. It is only for baby related messages and both of you can use it. Later as the baby grows up he can call his baby on it. This is the baby phone that you share as parents and it will not be intercepted by anyone but you. That way by sharing this, you will be offering him your trust and getting his back - instead of the opposite.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): The baby should not sleep in the bed with him, it is not safe. There are many cases where babies have been smothered in these cases. Also you must have his mobile number. These are reasonable conditions. You don't say how old your ex is but he sounds quite imature. It is important for your ongoing relationship, as the father of your child, that you should be on reasonable terms so he and his family should give you the respect you deserve as the baby's mother. You don't have to be best friends but be pleasant and adult for the child's sake. I think these things are all reasonable.
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