A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Firstly, thanks for reading. Secondly, I'm lesbian, just in case....I know for some its an abomination. For those of u who reads this and actually help me out I will be forever in your debt. Okay I'm in a relationship with a beautiful woman. She's very smart, funny, and family oriented. Might I add she's gifted with so many talents: building homes, fixing electronic gadgets, and just ur overall handy lady. Sure thing she has flaws. She's never struggled before, or had to make sacrifices that impacted her survival skills.....so she's very sheltered and spoiled. Henceforth her depression comes.She has an enormous amount of financial debt including I.R.S. tax debt, credit card debt with various lenders maybe 3, cell phone debt all 3 major carriers. She may be forced to vacate her nice Florida rental home due to her inability to make on time payments. All her bills are past due. She even has student loan debt but in economic hardship stays been in that status for 7 years.....she has no intent in paying or repaying her student loans. Her one vehicle she has is giving her problems.I'm quite different from her, I didn't grow up a privileged kid. I watched my parents struggle my mom always working two jobs. I graduated high school and left my home town for college, graduated and haven't been back. I struggle bc I haven't found a job in my field and its been 3 years. But I've managed to always work multiple jobs so my ends meet, currently I work 3.....maybe 80 hours a week combined. I have student loan debt that I pay but its only paying on the interest. I gave my girlfriend $800 in may to pay her rent and car insurance. It was enough for both but somehow when rent was due for June she's missing $240 out her account. She has her own place, cable tv, internet service. She wears expensive cologne and gets her hair cut biweekly.I don't have cable or dish/direct tv, I don't have perfume (can't afford right now) I especially don't have internet, nor have I visited a hair salon in months. I haven't bought new clothes or purse in years. she has a laptop computer but I don't.It appears to me that image is everything to her and its a worthy sacrifice. And before anyone thinks this I am not jealous with her in the least, I think she lacks wisdom on a survival level. Since I don't have much and I do work awfully hard I was going to buy myself somethings for me......But now I'm not so sure, girlfriend tried to commit suicide a couple days ago, she's severely depressed. She hasn't any medical insurance bc she's not full time employed. We've only been together since march 2nd 2013. And I've already gave her $900. I know its important to be there for your partner and I want to be its just that I don't make enough for my bills and her debt. Not to mention I only got $5 in saving account. So who comes first, this lovely but troubled woman or my career and future that I haven't begun to invest in and I'm already in my late twenties while she's in her early 30s. I do love her also. If I've left anything out I'm sorry but your advice is so needed and much appreciated. Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): It is important to invest in you because unfortunatley to invest in your partner, would be wasted. She needs to invest in 'herself'and learn true value. Although you obviously love her and care about her, nobody wants to be worried about attempted suicide. You may in time, find that you 'give everything' to her including your 'self' and end up going down the river with her (no good if both go down). You need to be very firm and stand strong in your bounderies and not be emotionally blackmailed into bailing her out or feeding her expensive taste. If she has serious depression then she needs to seek professional help. You can not 'save' her, but she can save herself if she really wants too, save yourself and stay strong because you are better equipt to be supportive this way, yet free from 'self martyrdom' which you have a danger of falling into.You are also 'equipt' with real life and it's hardships, you know reality and it's important that you are not 'fooled' into a world of illusions.good luck! keep swimming for the river bank and she may learn to swim.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (3 June 2013):
despite her depression she sounds like a selfish person and this is coming from someone who has been both depressed and suicidal in the past (still on meds for depression unfortunately)she makes sure there is money for bi weekly haircuts, other things which are luxuries for someone in her financial situation but cant/wont pay bills?she needs to reach out to her family for help, financially and emotionally. this is too much for you to deal with because you know her 3 months and it isnt your duty or responsibility to be bailing her out, not on this level. I do sympathise with her in the sense that the debts are overwhelming for her but she needs financial advice and some medical help/intervention.good luck and please look after yourself, I applaud you and anyone like you for not only working hard (3 jobs!) but also finding time to care about this lady xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 "I know its important to be there for your partner and I want to be its just that I don't make enough for my bills and her debt."
NEVER FINANCIALLY! You're supposed to be there emotionally, be supportive, be a friend, perhaps offer her roof over her head if she gets kicked out because she couldn't afford to pay her bills. But a partner is NEVER a private BANK! You're acting as being her private investor is a partners job! It's not!
The rule on finances in a relationship is that you DO NOT mix them unless you are married. If you live together you both pay 50% each, or whatever amount you've agreed on. Example: related to how much each of you earn, but still: never zero.
No more paying her bills. Not at all. You're not a bank. If she wants money, she needs to take a loan. Or you can marry her, if you want to support her financially. I mean why not? If you support her financially, and then you break up, she'll be in a FAR worse state than if you left her to sort out her finances on her own from the beginning. So you either support her financially for LIFE, or you DON'T. Finale.
And forget about her borrowing money from you, you'll never get it back.
Are you going to let her drag you into personal bankruptcy, just because she's bankrupt? Are you going to let her drag you into depression, just because she's depressed? When one partner in a relationship is suffering a mental illness, it is vital that the other partner stays afloat, head over water, and in good mental condition. Two people drowning can not help each other. If she loses her luxury items she'll still survive. She ought to sell that vacation house she has, definitely rent it out. And if she loses her home.. then what? What if you've spent all your money on her and lose your home too? Then you'll both be out on the street, and with no guarantee that she'll stick by you to help you, because you're not married...
Oh no, you need to stay afloat if you're going to continue in this relationship. You need to stay financially and emotionally afloat, and help out the way a partner should. Which is not financially. If she loses her home, invite her to stay with you for a while, until she gets back on her feet. Help her find a doctor she can afford. Help her find health care, a psychologist, that can help her. Help her help herself, do not become a crutch that babies her and leaves her helpless. See where that sort of "help" got her, right into her current situation.
Be there for her, but be firm. Read up on depression, how to help her. Look into what offers she may have through the social services. Offer to help her with the budget. IF you are going to give her money like a bank, you also need to treat it like a bank would. Ask for interests. Ask for some form of reassurance, such as an item, jewelery etc. And write a letter that states the loan, how it will be paid back etc.
You're not a personal investor in her little company called "me". You're a partner, a girlfriend. You're there for love and support, not her sugarmommy.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-avoid-being-used-financially.html
And stay afloat. Prioritize yourself first, at all times. If you go down, then you can not help her. But if you're doing well, only then can you help her. So put yourself first, because that's the only way you can help her. It'll do her no good if you are dragged down with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Your girlfriend needs professional help. Counseling. Clinical depression is a very serious mental disorder and she needs treatment.
She needs to learn how to survive on her own, her parents disabled her in that area of knowing how to take care of herself. I know it's hard to not take care of your partner, but she needs to prioritize and pay her debts. They are her debts and she needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet. People can't keep bailing her out all of the time. If she can get her hair cut twice a week (I get mine maybe twice a year) then she can definitely afford to be paying her own debts off.
She has attempted suicide, did she express any remorse? Say she wants help? Anything like that?
Get her the help she needs, she really needs help as soon as possible. Does she have any family?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Hi there, HER debt is Hers, not yours. Dont bail her out anymore. She is burying her head in the sand and hopes it will go away, but it wont. She needs to get rid of some of her luxuries in order to deal with her debt.I know you want to be there for her, but getting yourself into debt is not the answer and it wont buy her love.If she moans and crys about her situation, offer her pratical advice, like get rid of the tv package, internet, biweekly hair, she could do her hair herself if its just for styling and not cutting. Depression is awful but you cannot take it away by loving her, she needs to start getting help either with prescribe medication or therepy. You are not her therapist and never should be. Donot take her problems on or you could end up needing help yourself.I know you love her, but you are not married. Dont give up your hopes and dreams. At the end of the day you have only been together 12 weekr and have lost 900. Dont lose yourself aswell. Remember who you are and where you want to be. Believe me when I say no relationship is wophth its salt if there is no equality between the two and one is giving and the other always taking. Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Hi there, While I undertsand depression is a complicated illness usually resulting from many factors, finincial worries are often an extremely significant factor. Judging by the amount of debt she's in, she probably feels like she's in a pit that she just can't dig herself out of, with numbers and worries about getting by till next week etc. just whirring around in her head. While it's understandable you have loaned her money, by giving her more your will simply be contributing to this fantasy she has that money always materializes from somewhere, without having to confront the reality. The trouble with financial woes is that it often feels like the person has completely lost control, therefore the bets thing you could do would be to show her how to put herself in the driving seat. Be kind but firm, sit down with her and make a very clear budget, discuss what luxuries need to be cut down on or go altogether, how much to pay off to who,when, how much to sepnd of groceries etc. By giving her the tools to control her financial life I think she will ultimately feel a lot better and you guys can get back on track, if not the situation will never truly get better.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Well, I suppose you could give her your last $5, but she doesn't really sound like she knows what to do with it besides buy a fancy coffee.
She's not smart, she's not healthy, she needs legal and psychological counseling.
Your top priority should be yourself.
Sometimes the best love is tough love. She's not healthy, she's not happy, she's got issues.
You aren't married, you've been with her for 3 months.
End your financial support. Encourage her to find help but don't make her problems into yours.
I would encourage you to put some healthy boundaries in place. If you don't know what those would be, ask your best friends and family. If you can't ask them, I would really suggest you find a counselor for yourself.
Best wishes.
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