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*yonsdown
writes:I'm going to make a will.I'm quite comfortable financially, with a property paid for and money in the bank.I'm only 55, but you never know...Thing is, my only son (from a divorce) is 27 and has basically never worked. He occasionally works as a DJ a few times a year. He lives with his mother, who's 64 and still works.I've lost count of how many times I've told him to get a job of any kind, but he's just bone idle.Now, I have a lovely girlfriend of 5 years standing. Obviously I want to leave her a lot of money. But how much?Do I leave it all to her (which I want to do).Or do I leave some or all to my son, who I don't think deserves it.What proportion would you divide? I have no-one else other than those 2 people to leave it to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2014): It is your money. You do not have a financial responsibility to your son as he is now a grown adult. (no one would have issues if you were broke and left him nothing!) If you don't want to fund his butt on the couch lifestyle you do not have to. That is not immoral at all, and if others fault you for that then let them know they can give your kid some money to sit around all day if they like.
Maybe leave your son something sentimental, like a treasured belonging, instead of cash, so he knows you care (though I expect he already knows this).
If you do decide to leave any money to your son, you could look into putting that money into a trust, then stipulate the conditions of access within that trust. You could put the money you want to leave to your son in there with any stipulation you want, like he only gets X amount per year, or needs to meet certain goals before he gets X amount (like finishing a degree, or having a certain number of gigs/jobs in each month as a DJ).
Good for you to get this planning in order. I say go ahead and leave all or most of the money to your girlfriend, especially if you are living together and if she will be the one handling your affairs if you were to (god forbid) pass away prematurely.
Also there are charities that are always there as well, and it could have some beneficial effects on a very large estate tax-wise if you leave some to charity, check with an estate attorney. Just keep the will & beneficiaries of your accounts updated as your life changes, and the right things will work out for your heirs the way you want.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 November 2014):
 I had a feeling it had to do with your feelings about his mom. Seriously - nothing you've said in your follow-up has anything to do with disinheritance. In fact, I'd ask you how much you have connected with your son in his lifetime? If she had custody, did you keep regular visits? Do you do so even now? Does he get who you are? Have you told him your story in a way that connects you two rather than a one-way lecture?
There is an opportunity you have now that you didn't have before. Since he is an adult, you aren't restricted by his mom, and I do know the games that custodial parents can play to get back at their spouses, and I don't know about the UK, but I know in the US, men get the shaft in custody laws and rights here. Even emotionally, the custodial parent tries to shape a kid to push him away from his non-custodial parent's influence. Things like "Don't be like your dad" or "You sound like your father" said in disgust leave scars. It's not your son's fault.
Don't look at him with the resentment as an extension of his mom. He is as much yours as he is hers, and maybe he is paralyzed in his direction because he needs YOU. There's a part of him that is your DNA, no matter how much his mom pressures him, a part that with purpose could become something that's outside of her control. Funny thing is - your inheritance with him could be the key to unlock his potential.
However, it would be infinitely better for you to step forward and find common ground with him. You've been resentful that your values have been repressed by his mom. She can't repress your connection. How much does your son know about you as a man? About your life story? A human connection? Something outside of your expectations for him? Your life story may be missing crucial pieces of his puzzle, and could have a profound change. Have you had time where he asked questions about you, and you answered?
If you two connect, it'll be so much more important than money ever could be. You sound like you love your girlfriend, and I don't think she would begrudge you a new chapter in the relationship with your son, would she?
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reader, lyonsdown +, writes (12 November 2014):
lyonsdown is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your repsonses.A couple of things to make clear.He's not a bad boy at all.Doesn't drink, smoke or take drugs.It's as much his mother's fault for bringing him up without enough discipline.Unfortuantely she had custody and is the sort of person who thinks she knows best in everything.She won't be told,if you get my drift.I have nagged him everytime I see or speak to him to push himself as a DJ.I see no problem with that.The only other person in his life is him mum, and she clearly isn't pushing him. many ,in fact, have said she should have asked him to move out years ago to teach him the hard way, that independence is key. I have no problem with his career choice. But you don't get gigs by sitting at home on the couch.He never goes out to contact venues, be by email or in person.It may be shyness or nervousness, but that has to be overcome.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 November 2014):
I wouldn't shut out your son out so fast. I get he seems to be a disappointment because 27 is an age where society tells you you should have your shit together. That's easier said than done though.
I'm 26 myself and I struggle to finish my education and hold a job because of the vulnerable economic climate. I was unemployed for quite some time last year because my job got cut and I had to put my education on hold because I simply could not afford it and didn't want to get into a bigger debt than I already am because of student loans. Even when I get my degree there's no guarantee of a job. Classmates of mine who did recently graduate are struggling to find jobs because they lack experience and internships apparently don't count. It's a vicious cycle.
Being a DJ may not seem like much to you, as it's obviously not prestigious like being a doctor or a lawyer is. But booking a few medium profile gigs can pull in money like no regular job can. And even regular jobs the upper class looks down upon are hard to come by these days.
I would be very hurt if father didn't consider me worthy of anything he leaves behind because of my career failures so far. It's pretty sad if a child is only worthy of a parent's love if they're successful. So unless he has some pretty big problems like a criminal history, drug problems, etc. I would not shut your son out. He is your child after all.
It's great your relationship with your gf of 5 years is going strong, but 5 years is nothing compared to 27 years of being your son. When he was 5 you were probably still pretty happy with him too.
Please give it some more thought and ask yourself how it would make you feel if you were in your son's shoes.
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reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (12 November 2014):
 Maybe give them 50/50? If you leave your son nothing, it won't stop him from being lazy. He'll just be lazy and resentful thinking you didn't love him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): You didn't give us much information here about your son. Is his only flaw that he doesn't have a job you want him to have, or he has other things going on: any kind of addict, abusive to you in any way or disrespectfull, keeps no contact with you? I think that to leave all of your money to your girlfriend of only 5 years and not to you son is a terrible idea, unless he is a drug addict, and money can only harm him more. I think it's actually very cruel and loveless act. Of course it's your choice but for me it's very questionable morally. We don't judge our children, we love them. We don't need to be proud of our children, we just need to unconditionally love them. Only a parent can give their child this kindof love.I can't even imagine for a second to disinherit my daughter ony based on a fact that she is not employed the way i want her to. My daughter is very independent and self efficient but I don't love her based on that fact. I love her because she is my child, and alli want is to protect her financially and emotionally. When I was growing up I had a hard time dealing with people. I grew up in a country where people in general treated each other with disrespect. My father ( who by the way was also divorsed from my mother since i was 5) was always very ambitious about me as I was an unusually smart child. He had big hopes for me that I didn't fulfilled at that time. Instead of pursuing a brilliant career I married a good man in my teens, and had a child. I was stayed at home mom for the time my daughter was growing up, and put all my energy and effort to raise a decent human being. My father was on my case for all these years . Do you know how many times I heard from him that I am not using my potential and gave up on myself. It was very hurtful to hear all of this. In a mean time I learned several languages, made good friends and was gratefull to be a stay at home mom and being able to raise my daughter myself. Time passed. My daughter is all grown up now, she has a brilliant career (we didnt spare any money on her education) . My husband and I decided to open our own business together 4 years ago. I got very much involved and now I am running still growing but pretty succesfull small company. Now my father is very proud of me, and his attitude toward me changed. I will never forget though how he treated me all these years like I was a worthless human being. Your son is still very young. You never know what will become of him in a future. If this is his only fault in your eyes reconsider your decision. Of course it's your choice but in my opinion and I hope legally it's a very wrong choice.,
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reader, YouWish +, writes (12 November 2014):
There is something else, since I gave my opinion of the morality of your decision, I feel compelled to bring up some legal issues regarding it, and why it might be much more difficult to disinherit your son than you think.
Being that you're in the UK, I did a quick study on some of the legal obstacles. I'm not a UK solicitor, so you need to have a discussion with your own to verify what I'm saying to you.
According to law, if you disinherit your son by simply saying in your will that you wish to leave everything to your girlfriend or someone else, he will have a very valid challenge to at least 50% because the law treats not mentioning him as an "omission" and will adjust it.
You must put wording in your will actively disinheriting him with the reasons why you are doing so, or he can challenge it as "undue influence" and can use any defense such as your being of sound mind, the reasons you're doing it...example - if you die 10 years from now, putting wording that your son is disinherited for not working and living off of his mom, yet 5 years from now at the time of your death, he's got his life together and has become a TV cameraman or radio technician or Wedding DJ or any such change in his life, he can challenge that your reasons no longer exist and that you would have wanted to change things. He could also challenge that by leaving money to someone not in the family is a result of your girlfriend's undue influence, his status as the state's number one priority could be a successful case he'd make. Even if you marry her, he could lobby for 50% because of undue influence and appeal to the law's guidelines for inheritance.
Your wording cannot be vague, and you can't omit him and not mention him, or he'll have a fantastic challenge. Saying things like "He borrowed $325,000 in the course of his adult life without paying it back, plus he received $50,000 in college tuition and 4 years living expenses from me after his graduation, and I believe that he has already received the value of his inheritance while I was alive." That is a much stronger reason, one that would be 10 times harder to challenge.
Another example would be, "My son while under the influence of drugs stole approximately $50,000 in jewelry and valuables from me. I also had to pay prison expenses including bail, restitution, legal fees, damages, etc, for which I consider his just inheritance". Another would be "He has been verbally (or physically) abusive to me (or his mother), to an extent that his actions show that he has disowned his family. As such, he is disinherited from my will." Or, you could mention that you earned your money in this world, and believe that for him to inherit your money would be detrimental to him, and that you have decided that for his own good, you will disinherit him in order for him to make his own way.
It has to be specific. It can't be vague, and a lawyer should word it so as to protect your wishes. Otherwise, it can get challenged.
Of course, you could always avoid all of this by making peace with your son if possible. You can't reconcile from the grave, and irresponsible people can change and grow up.
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reader, deirdre  +, writes (12 November 2014):
You can always leave some to a charity, there are so many good causes out there. The people or animals who benefit from it would certainly be grateful. And it is amazing to be able to help lives/abused animals from beyond the grave. Please consider giving something to charity.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 November 2014):
If your girlfriend is in any way someone you want to take care of when you die, then why haven't you already married her? In my opinion, giving your major inheritance to a girlfriend who isn't your wife, and who has 5 years to your son's 27 is outrageous and nothing short of a non-love to your child.
You do not disinherit someone to teach them a lesson. You disinherit a child because they cause great harm to you, or his mom, or has cut you off with no hope of reconciliation.
An inheritance is an inheritance. Yes, it's your choice and you can give the money to your dog or to charity if you feel like it, but in my opinion, disowning your kid should be for more than just frustration at his not working, and and deep-seeded resentment toward his mother.
You've been with your girlfriend for 5 years. It feels permanent, but how many people have written a will based on emotional shortsightedness and forgotten to update it if things change? What if your girlfriend were to cheat on you, you break up, think "I need to call my lawyer" and then something happens to you?
Also, if you're frustrated at what seems to be your slacker son, do you think disinheriting or snubbing him in favor of a girlfriend will motivate him to get his act together? Not at all. An inheritance is your legacy, not your lesson. Your legacy to your son would be that you are spiteful, give to your penis instead of your offspring (sorry to be so blunt), and never really loved him in the first place.
When was the last time you spent time with your son? Have you ever gone to see him DJ?? DJ's are pretty awesome, and the best make 7 figures with others becoming sound engineers, film and TV composers, and sometimes musicians in their own right. He's going after his dream, and you want to penalize him for it because it's not a profession you approve of? Why not invest in him to go to music tech school? At the least, how would you know the next sports commercial or broadcast on TV doesn't have HIS music and his innovation in it?
Your son is your legacy, unless you have more children. Your girlfriend is not your wife. If she were, I'd say 50/50 easily. But she is not, and if you're so eager to take care of her, then marry her and stop delaying. Your son is not his mother, so don't project any ill feelings on him.
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reader, Abella +, writes (11 November 2014):
 You are 55 and with people living longer you are likely to be here for another 30 or 40 or more years yet. Right now a Will is important but in the immediate future have you put in place the following:1. A Power of Attorney where you appoint a person to manage your financial affairs if you ever lose capacity to manage your own affairs. Choose wisely or else you may not have any money to distribute to anyone via a Will after you pass away. Choose wisely to ensure that the person you choose will not embezzle your money while you are alive, drown your assets in fees allegedly for the privilege of managing your affairs where you can no longer do so.Did you know that more than 50% of all reported financial abuse under power of attorney is abuse carried out by a child of the person whose affairs they are allegedly managing on behalf of a person who has lost capacity? And remember that the last 5 to 10 years of your life will cost you more to live if you lose the capacity to clean your own teeth, cut your own toenails etc and pay your own bills. Talk to your attorney about how to make this an enduring decision that will protect your assets for your benefit and not allow your assets to be plundered against your wishes in your lifetime. 2. And advance directive that makes your wishes clear and gives clear direction regarding your decisions on life support in the event that you suffer a medical emergency where you are unlikely to survive. Because medical authorities need that in place to allow them to make decisions about life support or no life support in some medical emergencies where you are unlikely survive without medical support. Would you want to live the last ten years of your life hooked up to a machine 24/7? Talk to your Doctor about why this document is neded.3. Have you taken the holidays you want to take? Done the things you want to do? Put aside funds and income streams to allow you to do the things you want to do? Talk to your financial adviser on whether the existing structure best supports you or would a Trust set up for your benefit be more beneficial and allow you to protect your assets and give your estate some protection from death duties in your country. Your financial adviser and your attorney will know what is the best for your situation.4. Have you considered a signed and dated letter that is placed in a sealed envelope with your Will to be opened in the event that anyone challenges your Will. Such letters are common and are opened by the Judge presiding over a challenge to a Will by a disgruntled person who thinks the deceased owes them more. Be factual. If you have signed evidence then attach it to the letter. Such a letter can say, "I leave nothing to Marmaduke as since Marmaduke turned 21 I have loaned Marmaduke over $500,000 in cash and Maramduke has refused to repay a cent, despite a written signed agreement to repay me that money. Marmaduke has demonstrated a cavalier distain towards anything to do with my welfare and support and has been lazy and indolent and refused to find paid employment. Maraduke is often verbally abusive to me. As such I believe that Marmaduke has had more than adequate financial support from me and Marmaduke continues to refuse to get a job and constantly tries to borrow more money from me. I also provided Marmaduke with a home to live in and put that home into Marmaduke's name but he has since sold that home to pay for his gambling debts. As such I choose to leave Marmaduke no funds in my Will" 5. Do you have a safe and secure place to store your Will? Often a Will is destroyed by a person who finds the Will but also finds that they are not left enough, in their opinion, in the Will. Store your Will somewhere safe where it cannot be tampered with or destroyed by a disgruntled person. Do not leave a spare copy where it can be easily found. Advise your Executor and your Attorney where they can find your Will. 6. You are 55. You may remarry. Did you know that remarriage will often, under legislation in some countries, invalidate your will? So if you remarry you should need to consider making a new will.7. As a divorced person, if you leave no Will and die intestate and have no remarried, and have fathered no further children, then if your son is your only child then your son, if you only have one child, will inherit all of your estate under intestacy. Your son is probably comfortable with you having no will as that is to his advantage.8. Finally I always believe that if a person does not demonstrate any support for you while you are alive, if they fail to support you on key occasions and are missing in action when you could do with a hand then why should they receive a cent?If they do not contact you regularly, visit you regularly if they live close by; Nor phone you nor write to you if they live far away; if they are not there for you on key dates in the year - your birthday, at celebratory times, when you are ill; if they are dismissive and unkind and disinterested in you or worse if they are ever verbally abusive or worse - then I think they are hardly worthy of a cent.Before you take this drastic step you may even want to speak to a counsellor so that you are not overwhelmed with guilt about taking a very well reasoned step based on what is the best option for your peace of mind. You do not need to explain, in your lifetime, to the person you exclude, why you are leaving out any person from your will.Perhaps you could start researching some charities. Find out which ones contribute most of the funds donated to the cause they claim to support and which ones spend an insane amount on "overheads" leaving very little for the cause they claim to support.And make sure you correctly name the charity and include the address of that charity otherwise your Will could be challenged. Your Attorney can advise you on this aspect.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 November 2014):
 Like you.... I would struggle with leaving my $$$ to a layabout son who doesn't know how to work.....
I suggest that you make sure to leave him EXACTLY $1000.... and the balance to your G/F. What the H???? HE hasn't done a done thing to better himself.. and make you proud of him.... whilest that G/F of your's has, at least, been a darn good friend......
Sorry.... (to any who object).... but I'm not much of a sentimentalist when it comes to a son (or, daughter) who won't make their own way in this world....
Have fun... and happy funeral....
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (11 November 2014):
 At the end of the day it is totally YOUR choice who you leave your money to. You could leave it to your pet cat or a charity if you wanted to.
What I would say though, is make sure that whatever you do choose in the end, is wrapped up legally so that any potentially offended party cannot cause trouble in the future.
I have a family friend who also went through a divorce, with a very money grabbing woman. Over the years he has paid her a small fortune (1/2 million+) in divorce costs and child care costs (to a son who is potentially not his). He does not wish to leave any more money to his son, as he feels that the HUGE amount of money he has paid over the years is enough, and if the ex-wife has misused the money for her own ends, that is not his problem. So he has left a *v.small* token amount to the son in his will, but stipulated his wishes in detail that neither of them is to receive another penny. This way, no one can say that he son did not receive anything, but they also cannot try and claim what is not rightfully theirs.
As you and your girlfriend are not married, then potentially this could cause some issues if not tied up legally. A disgruntled and entitled child (like your son) could challenge a will. If as you say he doesn't like to work, you can bet he would be egged on by his mother.
Whatever you do, you need to go and see a solicitor who can advise you of your rights and help you "word" a legal document in the best way to make it watertight. There are many ways of saying the same thing, but some ways are better than others.
Just remember, it is always YOUR choice.
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