A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I seem to have given up hope on life for a while now, as in goals. Ambition and actually thinking I have a future. But I don't want to feel like this any more. I know little changes can make a difference ie going the gym, eating healthy and other things. But no matter what I always feel it's too late and I have left my good years behind. If I do go the gym I feel good for a bit and then thoughts kick into my head like ' what's the point you won't ever look amazing or if you would of carried this on years ago you could be happy now. And well they knock me back badly. I know I could think ooh in 3 years I could be healthy and maybe a better career but my always tell myself it's too late now you will be 31 then all good years gone. I just seem to have lost hope in having a decent life and it never comes back. What can I think to make me act positive?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): I can sympathise as I am in a similar situation.
My motto has become to live in the moment. Live each moment the best I can doing what makes me happy. I don't compare it to yesterday or to tomorrow or to what it could have been.
I simply live in it.
It means sometimes I manage to go to the gym. Other times I don't, I do something else. But I've also decided to be kinder to myself. I beat myself up because of not living up to expectations (set by who/ based on what?). But that in itself is a waste - beating myself up over something that didn't turn out the way it could have.
Take it one day at a time and do keep in touch with the people who love you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): You sound depressed for sure.I was very similar at your age - full of regrets for what I had failed to achieve, so much so that it stopped me from fully engaging with life. I completely lacked confidence and had zero self esteem.Now I'm 46 and I still feel like I regret what I failed to achieve when I was younger! I still think "if only I'd realised what I had to offer" - others somehow seemed to be able to 'play the game' of life, whereas I was perpetually baffled by it.However, counselling has really helped me. It helped me to understand the family background reasons for my depression and very straightforward things like never having any family support but instead criticising myself for not magically being an amazing version of myself. It helped me to see that I had achieved loads of things that I was just not valuing at all. Most people with depression feel overwhelmed - I sometimes wonder if depression should be re-named as 'overwhelm' because it seems that this is what it is - and it is the trying to deal with the daily overwhelm that can trap us - we have to take time to figure out how to 'do' life. My (amateur) understanding of this is that, if you didn't get the right parenting where your shown the basic stuff you need then you have difficulty 'connecting up' to the world as an adult - to people, to employment, to your own desires and ambitions. People will say "oh you have to grow up at some stage" and yes, we do, but the thing is there's no point denying that you don't know how. Most parents are very far from perfect (I am one ) and so we inevitably get some things wrong and it really will show up in the way that our own kids handle the world and how they feel about it. But when we're younger we don't know this. Instead you end up constantly berating yourself for not being able to do this, to grow up and face life properly - you berate yourself because you know it's not the state that you want to be in but you also don't know how to get out of that state. It get's terribly confusing. But dealing with the overwhelm is the first task, I think, to coming out of the childlike state in which we haven't 'connected up' properly to the world. I think this is a mixture of learning how to do practical stuff in a way that suits you and also really learning how to tune into and express (even to yourself) what your feelings are as you go along. The two start to eventually work together and you learn to make increasingly good choices for you. To begin with, it can mean things like making a list of everything that you feel you have to do, when you feel confused about what to do next, and deciding which to prioritise - and/or keeping a journal to log how you feel when things just get way too complicated. It can mean venturing into trying some new activities, even if you don't enjoy them as much as stuff that you do alone - the connectivity gets better over time when you find the best, though maybe not 'perfect' activities to do with others. Most of all it can mean learning - really like learning homework - to become sensitive to when you are putting yourself down and to switch your mind over to a positive version. So I might think "I am getting old and unattractive", so quickly that it flits through my mind at lightening speed. But I've learned to sense when I do this, to halt it and to deliberately force myself to give a positive account of what I look like. At first this feels ridiculous and like a superficial practice...but then you realise what you've been saying and doing to yourself for years and gradually all the negative stuff starts to feel false and full of hatred. More than anything I'd advise you to get counselling to learn stuff like the above in your own way. Everyone's different so you'' find your own ways of dealing with the overwhelm. I've never taken anti-depressants but some do - for me I always felt like this would just mask the problem and make it harder for me to resolve it. You may feel differently though and that's your choice.
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (12 November 2014):
Hi, I have read this with interest as I have these thoughts a lot and I seem to be getting them more and more in the past year or 2. I am not much younger than you, my situation is slightly different. I have had depression for a few years now, something it is so bad that I can hardly do the basics. It is a vicious circle as you feel worse for not having done something before, which puts you off making better choices.
My advice is to set yourself little goals, you might be doing that already but perhaps decide in advance which days you will have off from the gym, etc. In this way perhaps you may motivate yourself by deciding for example, if I go to the gym today then I can take tomorrow off.
Sorry if my advice doesnt help, its all I could think of :) best of luck
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 November 2014):
 Think positive thoughts. "Yesterday I went to the gym and today I'm going to the gym. I'm taking care of myself today. I choose to make positive choices today. Tomorrow I will also make positive choices."
If you're having this much trouble with negative thoughts and unhealthy choices then please invest your time and energy in CBT. Google it.
You haven't found the impetus to get you to the gym or to find your physical fitness inner self....You sound less like a joiner and more like an individual athlete. Check out things like running, swimming, sports that do not require you to show up and join a team.
And not for nothing, I would be extremely happy to be 29 again, knowing what I know now.
You are a spring chicken and the only thing holding you back is your negative thoughts, which can be treated and dealt with. Go get that help ASAP and next year you can come back here and let us know that you are now 30 and feeling amazing.
This year could be your best year. The 20s are over-rated, to me. To me the best years are the 30s and 40s and the 50s have some very bright spots.
Go be brave.
Ask your doctor for some help and seek some therapy to get your negative thought processes under control.
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A
male
reader, tunk  +, writes (12 November 2014):
find the book "take it easy" by walter pitkin, it's nearly a 100 years old and not many know of it. it will help you
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): Better to start now than get to 40 and still think the same thing!
I'm the same in terms of saving for a house... guess in hindsight I could have started earlier but I didn't but thats that. Have started now, and will get there eventually - but better now than wait another 5 years.
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