A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I ended up having an affair due to lack of affection from my wife. I know I was wrong and I take full responsibility for my actions. Obviously, I wasn't looking for affection, it just grew from a friendship to an emotional level, which turned physical. I started distancing myself from my wife as my affair got more intense. My wife discovered my affair after in it for almost a year. At that time, I was so clear that I wanted to leave my wife for my lover as I have falling in love with her. My wife was so devastated, she wanted to work on our marriage despite my affair. My lover is hanging on to me and claims she won't give me up without a fight because of the way I feel about her. It has been 3 years now, and I have ended the affair many times; but I keep falling off the ladder back into the affair. My lover wants so badly to have a real life relationship with me. I fear the future with my lover as the only thing that holds us together is the love we have for one another. I love my wife but I am not in love with her. She is the backbone of our family (I have 2 young children). She does everything for us. She keeps us together. I regret this mess I have made. I want to end the affair, but I'm having a very difficult time cutting off the affair. My emotions takes over and I miss my lover. I know that I need to focus on my wife but I can't seem to help the way I feel. I do want to give my marriage a chance BUT I keep thinking aoout being with my lover. HELP!
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female
reader, OzAngel  +, writes (6 September 2010):
Why doesn't anyone realise that you can love more than one person at the same time. I too am a married lady who is currently having an affair with a man who is about to get married to his long time partner. He didn't want to be the one to break up my family. We both love each other deeply and also our partners, who are not providing us with the affection, sex and love that we crave. We are making the best of the lives we have built up and don't wish to hurt anyone in the process and trying to remain happy at the same time. I hope you can understand our situations. I know this answer/comment is too late, but you never know it may help someone else.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): Hi, I have been in a similar situation, but i am the wife, my husband had an affair, i found out, he said he finished things, we even renewed our wedding vows, then a year later i found out he was still seeing her. He moved in with her four months ago. He says he can't get himself where he is happy, he is always torn between what she wants and what myself and my teenage daughers want. He has devastated both my and my daughters lives and they may fogive him one day i will not, i am his friend, i do still love him but i gave him 23 years of my life for him to do this to me. What i am trying to say is be very careful what you do, this is the rest of your life and the life of your wife you are playing with. You can not begin to contempate the hurt and devastation your wife will feel, she deserves you to love her properly, get rid of your lover an give one hundred percent to your family that is my advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): "What I fear the most is things not working out with my lover if I do leave my wife for her." You are actually fearful of not being alone. Low self esteem here.
You also know deep in your heart that your relationship with your lover will not stand the test of time. I think your lover is niave to think that "love/lust" will conquer all. I think you are also being pressurised by the lover. Are you just her pupet, doing as she says.
And yes LUST can last for a long, long time, Even 3 years as in your case. You want your wife to be happy, then I think you need to let go of her. You still are doing your wife a disservice by questioning Wife?/, lover?, wife/, lover?, wife?, lover? You are not pained over your affair.You just want to best situation FOR YOU. Selfish behaviour but i think you and your lover deserve each other. You are very close to losing YOUR WIFE, and your lover. Why? When you leave your wife for your lover, your relationship with the lover will eventually become stale, so boring and monotonous. Just like married life. The life with the lover will quickly end. And then loniless.For you. By then your wife should have a good, decent man in her life. Your lover is pathetic, she wants, wants, wants. And you, you want the best of both worlds.
I truly hope your wife makes a decision regarding her life and her future happiness soon. If she knows what she is facing I am sure the strong individual that she is will quickly get rid of you and take charge of her life. Does she even know that you are planning to leave her/ oR are you waiting for the last minute to spring this on her. Decisions, decisions, decisions.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 March 2009):
 Both your wife and your lover deserve a MAN, I hope they will be able to recognized one if and when they come across one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): I deserve what's coming to me. I have turned these 2 women upside down. My wife does deserve a man who will love her the way a man should. I do love my wife. I do. I won't say that my marriage is loveless. My wife tries her best to rekindle the love. I try the best I can to give her that. I have cut off all contact with the my lover last week. It is to difficult. How can lust last 3 years? My lover wants to prove to me that we can be happy together. She does not understand my position. All that matters to her is the love we have, and that everything else will fall into place. For that, she believes we can make it. I'll admit that I am a coward to start all over. I am ashamed of what I have done to my wife. My wife has once again taken me back. My wife and I discuss this so many times. If for 3 years I've been wallowing in this position. I hate myself for it. I do. What I fear the most is things not working out with my lover if I do leave my wife for her. My head is telling me one thing, my heart is telling me another. I wrestle with this every day. I do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): You are in lust and not in love, your actions say so. As for your lover she has disrespected your wife for so many years and it has to stop. NOW. Both of you need to go your seperate ways. You have not fully invested in your wife and marriage. You have purposefully lied and cheated. You say that you want to stop but you allow your lover to play games with you. You allow your lover to dictate the life you are leading with your wife. Your lover wants a lot of things and you are foolish to give in to them. You made a choaice 3 years ago to try with your wife but you have not lived up to this. Why? Because of your obsession with your love. You cannot see your lover for what she is, a lying manipulative *itch, who would try anything to get you. She is emotionally playing you yet you are too blind to see her for what she truly is. Your lover is used to you being weak, therefore you keep running back to her. Your lover plays you like a musical instrument but you are too blind to realise this. Only you can change this situation. Your lover knows you well enough to know that she can click her fingers and you will keep running back to her. Your lover has played you for so long, she will continue until you put a stop. Be a man and let your lover know that you are now taking action and that you have chosen your wife.If it LUST you crave, then I am sure your wife can provide that. Married men froget that their wives are also sexually beings. They also enjoy sex, the only thing is the husband chooses not to satisfy his wife. But rather the lover. In your siuation your wife has sustained your relationship for such a long time. You have an obligation to your wife while geing married to her. You owe her fidelity and loyalty. If you cannot then go and live with your lover. By then it will be too late, you will be in your lovers clutches and your wife will not want you then. And who will blame her. You have everything going for you with your wife, but you are only focusing on the sexual side of your lover. What else is there. Can your lover sustain your life, is she the Backbone in your life or is your lover only good for lieing on her back?????You have to choose and you have to choose now. BUT STICK WITH THIS DECSION AND DO NOT BE WEAK AGAIN. If it is the lover, then so be it. If you choose your wife, then CUT ALL TIES AND COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR LOVER. Be man enough to stick to your decision. What a mess you have made, you can still rectify it.I implore you to read Jace's post on the 17/03/2009 “ What on earth can I do now to get my wife to forgive me?” This man has really redeemed himself. Yes he cheated but he is trying so desperately to make right all his wrongs. I think you can learn something from him. Perhaps you can email him directly for guidance. If you want o stop the affair DO SO NOW.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): you are only using your wife, the "backbone" of your family. you act like a love sick teenager when you talk about your lover, instead of being a grown man. you have no morals and dignity, you have lied and cheated, humiliated your wife for 3 yrs now, do not continue to do so. you are still OBSESSED, in an unhealthy manner with your lover. and your lover still wants you although you are married. perhaps you both deserve each other, go to your lover and then see whether this paradise is what life is about. you will find that the "love" that you speak about is only carnal lust, your wife has sustained you and your world thus far. you have no backbone, you have no feelings for betraying your wife. for 3 yrs, even after finding out about your affair, she has unselfishly tried t salvage your marriage.. what do you do? still sneak around to be with your lover. so just leave. allow your loyal and faithful wife to meet another man who will have the courage and stamina t be a MAN, who will love her unconditionally and who will be her soul mate. you are obviously all of that. so please release your wife so that she can find happiness. what man will not want a wife like yours: ask the millions of men whose wives have cheated on them. your wife deserves better, why shouldn't she meet a man who fulfills her sexually and emotionally? she is wasting her precious years with you, it's time to let her go and you move to your lover. i assure you the grass is not greener on the other side. why?
if you were so much in lov with your lover you would have left ages ago. you are just a weak, cowardly man who doesn't deserve his wife. you obviously do not value your wife, and you do not value your children, you only want your lover so please have her. is she worth it? you are behaving like an alcoholic that is unable to control your actions. but you are not. you are just making excuses. for yourself and your lover.
your wife is in the prime of her life, release her to enjoy the company of a real man, let her enjoy the warmth of another man as you are doing with your lover. you are SO SELFISH, yet you make excuses. your wife is young enough, she has enough years left to find happiness elsewhere. are you going to be man enough to let her go. for all this while it has been about you, now dot he right thing for once and release her because you are not worth it. you have not shoen ny remorse for your wrongdoing. you continue to do wrong, knowingly. oh, what a weak, morally unjust man you have turned out to be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): You've already decided to be with your lover. "Falling off the ladder" means that you have not reconciled with your wife and moved on. Be a man, and stop messing with the emotions of your wife and children, and lover; gets harder as the kids get older. This is emotional abuse for your wife (which will affect your kids more 'n more). It's one thing to stay with your wife and kids, and excuse the expression, suck it up; but cheating on your wife regularly because you don't have the balls to make a commitment to either your wife or your lover is lame. You need to resolve this problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Who is the one you love? Follow your heart. Why stay in a loveless marriage and keep wanting to be with your lover.Straighten things out with your wife. If you love her, you must tell her the truth about the other woman and work out things with your wife, rekindling your love again.If you do not love your wife, start with a separation first while you consider divorce with her.Whether she is your wife or your lover, both are with emotions. The marriage legal paper do not hold anything!Choose the one you truly loves. Best Wishes
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A
female
reader, jodaii  +, writes (28 March 2009):
Hey, Im a 15 year old girl and 12 years ago my dad was in the same place as you are.In the end he left my mum, and me and my brother (i was 3, he was 5) and now lives with his lover.I see my dad 3 times a week, and im perfctly fine with my parents divorced. In a way I have 3 loving parents and I know i am really really lucky. My only resentment is that I cant have all my family (mum and dads sides) in the same room, and I know that in the future, family events will be governed by the split in my family, but Im ok with that.However I do feel jelous occasionly of my freinds who moan about both their parents living together, because they dont realise how lucky they are.But, just do what you think is right. If you devorce, stay in contact with your children, DO NOT let them grow up fatherless. Also, dont let your wife take the children from you. This happened to my cousin and its taken him 6 years of court and soliciters for him to finally be able to see her every other week. But yea, your choice, i hope I helped :)Kat xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): If your wife is willing to work out the marriage, I would give it a shot. If she is willing to build a healthy relationship and make changes that you need, then work on the marriage. The other woman should have more respect for your marriage. She's being run by emotions right now, but if she can't understand that this is hard for you, I would go with the one trying to put in the effort. Cut off connections with the other woman. Change your number if need be. Give your marriage an honest shot.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Follow your heart... but you should realize you have a strong woman as a partner in life, as many people would leave but she has accepted the situation and is willing to try and let things work out. If you should leave your wife you will never truly realize what you had until it too late. Think about the beautiful kids you both produced and since your wife is still willing to stick around let her know that you are lacking affection and see how you can rekindle the relationship
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): You should do what you want for YOU. It doesn't matter which you choose, because someone's gonna get hurt either way (including you). You mentioned that you wanted to end the affair, but you kept going back. It seems to me that you're confusing love with lust.
Get with it and choose who you want to be with! It's only a matter of time before you end up with nothing because you're taking to long to make up your mind! Make a decision before it's made for you.
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