A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I were together for 6 years. We started dating when we were teens I gave birth to our son when I was 20. A few years after that, we broke up because he was not ready to take the responsibility. He was kinda immature that time. Then I met my now current bf and we have been together for 3 years and we are planning to get married a few months from now. He's a really wonderful guy! My ex came back from abroad when he learned about this. He was trying his hardest to convince me to marry him too. What will I do?
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (13 December 2011):
 Well, now you have explained more about the father of your child - then I think you shouldn't be with him. He is gone, so let him be gone. I am just not totally sure about your fiance, because I think that if you were totally committed to him, you wouldn't be asking the question.
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female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (13 December 2011):
 Hello,
If you have some feelings for your ex then whatever you do, don't go ahead with any marriage with your boyfriend. It's not fair on him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): NOPE. He just uses you as an outlet to blame his anger on.Anger is a choice and acting out is also a choice.Just like choosing to NOT let our anger rule us and seeking anger management courses and counselling to combat the WHY he is ABUSIVE.Either way, you just STATED YOU KNOW he is not good for you, to you, enough for you and son.Cut him out of your life as much as you can.http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=47Check out this link on how to Safe Gaurd your Relationship with your BF and keep it strong and loving.WHEN YOU HAVE OVERSTEPPED YOUR BOUNDARIES:If you're wondering whether you've overstepped any boundaries, Dr. Shirley Glass says three signs indicate that a friendship between people of the opposite sex has crossed the line into infidelity: (1) emotional intimacy, (2) sexual tension, and (3) secrecy. Also, ask yourself, "Do I say or do things with this person that I wouldn't want my spouse to see or hear?" If so, it's time to take a step back and re-draw your boundaries. ~ Taken from the above linkAlso PLEASE SEEK COUNSELLING to heal and recover from the abusive EX and get stronger, healthier, Wiser so you are not tempted by An ABUSIVE Man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI may still have feelings for my ex. But I know he's bad for me. He can get pretty violent and impulsive. What I do not understand is that he's always very calm when dealing with other people but I seem to bring out the worst in him.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (6 December 2011):
1. Don't marry your current bf just because you feel it would be mean not to.
2. You have doubts because you know in your heart of hearts that for your son, it would be better if you were together with his father. You haven't tried living with your son and bf, and you yourself said they don't have much of a bond.
Jeez ... I am telling you now ... there is NOTHING worse and more exhausting than trying to keep everyone happy when they don't like each other, or at least don't have much to do with each other. And your son deserves more.
3. My opinion: the current bf sounds 'sensible', but actually I think that if you still love your son's father, then you should go with him. If he is ready to step up, then have him: because you will have a more complete and straightforward life, and a real family, and your son will definitely 100% be better off with his mum and dad together.
It's not as if you split up because of him being a bad guy. You split up because you were both really young and he thought he couldn't cope with settling down so early. But then he realised that settling down is a helluva lot better than fxxxxng around somewhere. He realised how much he loves his son and you.
So I say: HAVE HIM BACK.
THE CURRENT BF WILL COPE, BECAUSE HE IS ONLY LD - WHICH ISN'T THE SAME AS IF HE WERE LIVING WITH YOU.
GIVE YOUR SON HIS DAD.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): IMHO the boyfriend is the better choice.
But IMHO if you aren't sure already then you probably still want your ex back. (Unless you can really say that you ONLY want your ex back because he is the father and that's all.) If your ex still has his hooks in your heart then it's not really fair to your BF.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI DON'T HAVE have TWO LDR BFs! My current bf has to move out of state last year because of work but but we would see each other once a month and we have a regular communication. Just to make it clear, my ex was not gone for 6 years, we dated for 6 years. We started dating when we were 17 and we broke up when we were 23. Our son was 3 years old when we decided to end the relationship. A year after that, I met my current bf. I was not emotionally cheating with my current bf, he knew I wanted my son to have a relationship with his father, and he was aware that my ex and I had a communication for the past 1 and a half year because of this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): "My boyfriend and I have separate residences. That's because we have a long-distance relationship. Although he is nice to my son, they never had that father-and-son bond."Glad to hear it. I may have come across as harsh or judgemental because I've known too many situations where live-in bf suddenly becomes "daddy" and that's never good for kids especially when they witness parades of men come and go through their mothers' lives. Both you and your boyfriend appear to be able to make the distinction that your current romantic relationship does not automatically make him a de-facto father figure. Many single parents can't separate the two. My point is your son was born into a less-than-ideal situation (from a kid's POV, no moral judgement intended) and as he grows up both you and his father will have to work harder to compensate so you may find yourselves in positions where what is best for your son him may not be comfortable for the two of you and/or spouses/SOs.I try to see these situations through a kid's eyes because they have no voice and no choice. Just want to be sure all parties (you, son's father, boyfriend) are on the same page and are putting the kid's interests above all else. Many parents rush into new relationships without stopping to consider the effects on their children. I wanted to make clear any discussions about romance, cohabitating, and marriage should take into account both the child and the other parent because they're part of the package until he turns eighteen. As a very good friend who is the child of divorce once said, "My mother never tried to turn me against my father. She knew he was perfectly capable of doing it himself." And that's really what I'm trying to say, don't let your past grudges make your son hate his father, give your son the chance to hate his father for the person he is now (if that's the case, hopefully he will be able to understand that his role as your son's father does not depend on you being a couple).Good luck and continued good sense too all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): So you are online, and have TWO LDR BFs on the go? *arches eyebrow*
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy boyfriend and I have separate residences. That's because we have a long-distance relationship. Although he is nice to my son, they never had that father-and-son bond.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): Anonamous Male Poster. Your self projected anger over your own situation is tainting your post just a tad. ;)What is a part of the problem is your emotional cheating on your current BF with the EX.Had it been you discovered your current BF was emotionally cheating with another woman; you would be devastated.Not living honestly means you have a crap load of mess now, confusion.Your Son knows the current BF as his Father and it would be hurtful and harmful to take that away from Son. Regardless of DNA. DNA just says the Ex was the sperm donor.I am going to say I absolutely think your current BF is such a loving, amazing young man. He stood in place of a Father those years, put in his time, his love, his heart, his soul. There is a loving, trusting Bond between Son and current BF whereas there is none other than dna with the EX.Do not discount those parental acts of love towards your Son. Actions demonstrate the merits of a Man and his Worth and face it- the EX RAN. How are you confused?Oh because you were dishonest and cheating on your BF.To me, the clear, obvious choice is cut emotional ties with Mr DNA, rededicate your love to your current BF and your Son. To Son, that is ALL He knows to be his Family, Stability, Loving, Safe Home. Keep it that way.Mr DNA can have his rights access.Get some counselling ASAP.If you were USING the BF all these years while you hoped for DNA to come back- shame on you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): You will act like a responsible parent and do what is best for your son, which means giving his back-in-the-picture father every possible opportunity to be involved in his son's life.
Remember your son didn't pick his father, you did, so it's not his fault you chose someone "not ready to take the responsibility" and "kinda immature at the time." Every kid has equal rights to a mother and a father, and every mother and father have equal parental rights. Dad's back, give him the chance to be responsible and mature. If not, he's still the father.
In the meantime you will tell current bf marriage plans are on hold while your son reestablishes a relationship with his father and you establish a co-parenting relationship.
You will also inform bf that the two of you will be maintaining separate residences for the time being; since you're not married bf has no legal relationship with your son and if I was your son's father I would be concerned about my kid living with a total stranger. Absent a marriage certificate, your son is under no obligation to like or get along with whomever you may be shacking up at any given moment.
If your son is calling bf "Dad" or similar, stop it immediately. Your son has one father and one father only, no do-overs allowed.
Finally, you will absolutely NOT get pregnant by current bf, that will only bring more confusion and resentment to your son's life. He has enough issues, adding a half-sib who lives in one house with two parents will only make a bad situation worse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): Let's see, who should you choose:
the responsible and trustworthy guy who's been there for you, and is a true father and provider to your child... or
the guy who abandoned you and your child and his responsibilities, and now wants to play catch-up and pretend that his abandonment was no big deal. what does he have to offer and why should he be trusted?
?
look, your ex only wants to marry you because you are set to marry someone else. This is just for his ego's sake. If he really wanted you, he would have been the first one to propose marriage, not the last one.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 November 2011):
 then marry neither and go off and be alone and figure out what you want.
if my ex that left me came back now after years of being GONE (especially if I had a CHILD with him) it would NOT make me question wanting to be with my current partner.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): If someone returns after all these years and you are put of balance, then it puts a question mark over your real feelings for the man you are with.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 November 2011):
NOT the ex. he's just reacting to someone else wanting you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): i know its very hard to deny any time you spent with the father of your child.just remember he made the desicion to leave and not grow up the first time, he may be feeling guilty for his mistakes now but also remember that your current b/f was there for you when you needed him but if you are having doubts about tying the knot then hold off.. if the really great guy is still there for you then he is the best choice.it is possible that your ex is still that same immature person and just cant stand for you to be happy with someone else.if you are happy with things right now dont make any rash decisions just ride it out for a bit and if you decide you dont want to be married yet then simply tell the man you are with your not ready yet and if he truely loves you he will understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBtw, Thanks for all your responses. I got kinda confused when I saw him again which I know is not fair to my current boyfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy ex and I kept in touch for the past 1 and a half year and he has been trying to get back with me ever since.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): The choice would be simple if I were in your shoes. I do not know the full details such as how you feel about your ex, or whether or not you two have kept in touch, but given the information you provide I do not see a choice at all.
You are currently in a 3 year relationship with someone you describe as "a really wonderful guy". You are set to marry this person, who is there for you now, and takes care of you and the child you had with your ex.
Your ex, on the other hand, abandoned you when you needed help because he could not deal with the responsibility. Then at some point he went abroad, and came back only when he heard you were getting married. He has come back to try and convince you to marry him. Does he realize you are in a relationship? The two of you were a couple at one point, yes. But that was over 3 years ago, you have moved on and have no obligations to him.
The way I see it, your ex had his chance, and decided he did not want it. Now you have someone new who is committed enouh to marry you and raise your child. Why would you even consider breaking it off for the sake of someone who abandoned you once? How do you know he wont back out again? Then you lose both.
I say, marry your new guy. You will be far happier. Now you and your child have a man who will be there, who HAS been there for the last 3 years and has made you happy.
I do not want to sound harsh, but in my eyes if your ex wanted to marry you, he should have put in more effort 3 years ago.
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female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (30 November 2011):
Hello,
Your present boyfriend is by far the best choice.
However....having doubts about things like this is no basis to plan a marriage. So, you need to be clear in your mind what you want and love before going into a marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): So you haven't seen or really heard from the EX for 6 years and there was no 'I miss yous, loves yous'- and then he just shows up and says 'chose me' and you are actually TEMPTED? Easily swayed?
What does the current BF of 3 years, the one that loves you and was there for you for 3 years and your child- have to offer over a memory or possible what if?
BF of 3 years demonstrated by WORD and ACTIONS the kind of man he is.
Verses a Man that was gone for 6 years and his 'empty words'??
Am I getting that right?
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female
reader, confusedfemale92 +, writes (30 November 2011):
If I were you I would def stay with the current boyfriend! Your ex took off before when times were hard and he can just as well do it again. Marriage is for better or for worse, and he is obviously the type of guy to flee when the going gets tough. If he didnt hear that you and your current boyfriend were getting married do you really think hed still be coming back trying to marry you? I would imagine there would be alot of issues with the two of you. If your current boyfriend is really as wonderful as you say then I think you should stick with him!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): If you dont know what to do, you shouldnt be with either of them. If you loved someone, no one in the world would be able to distract you.
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