A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all!I need a little bit of an explanation as to what I should do here. Any real advice is welcomed, please don't sugar coat or honey glaze anything. I need the truth.This entire ordeal started in September of two years ago, when I was first hired as a teacher at a wonderful school in the US. I had developed many friends in only a few weeks' time, and my life seemed to be going perfectly. Keeping in mind that I had a soon-to-be fiancé, I had become infatuated with one of my fellow colleagues and thought it would simply blow over, as if nothing was even there. But, the exact opposite happened. As months passed, I fell more and more for him, and my relationship with my fiancé weakened drastically. The Friday night outings with fellow faculty only seemed to worsen this problem. John Doe had a girlfriend, of whom I had not been acquainted with. Did that deepen the cut? Just a bit. But he and I moved on from her. We began kissing at school as to hide the relationship from my fiancé. And, as predicted, my two favorite students caught me red handed. They were good and kept it secret, but the guilt of cheating was growing in me. I didn't know which man to choose: the long-term fiancé or the match made in heaven John. For the moment, I kept my vows and went with my fiancée. Something didnt feel right though. I got married so I could get John Doe off my mind and that impoved things for awhile. But, John Doe and I recently started contacting eachother frequently, and I now realize how much I miss him. I miss him kissing me, I miss his arms around my body, I miss his warm embrace. I don't know what to do at all now, and I'm starting to get the feeling that my new husband is cheating on me, but I have no proof to show it. Who should I go with? My heart tells me John Doe, but my gut tells me my new husband...Can you all help me decide or at least help me wrap my head around this mess?
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female
reader, karinjeane  +, writes (4 February 2010):
This is such a difficult decision to make. I found myself i the same situation a year ago. I chose my 'john doe' and left my long term boyfriend. What I experienced is as follows, that the lustful feeling does diminish, but it does still exist, and that I still do get excited about my john doe. I don't think I ever had that feeling with my fiance to begin with, but I liked him very much. This was such a difficult decision to make because I had so much affection for my fiance. I still don't know if I made the right decision, and still miss my fiance very much! Not an easy one at all. I suppose it boils down to what is important to you!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): if you were a man i would tell you to put your dick back in your pants. Your selfish self centred behaviour led you to marry someone who could have moved on to find someone who really loved him, instead you have probably ruined is life as well. And the reasoning that he may be having an affair as well is just an excuse to justify what you are doing. I feel sorry for him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): I think John doe was exciting. You haven't said one bad thing about your fiancé. It sounds like he loves and treats you well.
This new guy is exciting and different. And the secrecy adds to the excitement. But I agree with the previous poster; it's a cycle.
If you leave your fiancé and go with John doe it'll happen with someone knew.
Did John doe leave his gf for you? Or were you just fun on the side and know he's looking for that again?
Whichever you decide it's not fair to either one of them. Decide soon and stick to your decision. Maybe you feel your fiancé is cheating on you because:
1. Guilty feelings of your own.
2. He knows you cheated on him and he's getting even?
But I'm betting on #1
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A
female
reader, girl from bristol  +, writes (3 February 2010):
you have to decide whether you want marriage or just fun and decide between the two guys as they may find find out about each other and then you will lose them both
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 If I were you, I would take some time off thinking about the two guys. You are creating an internal fight. You want to get married to forget John, you want to hook up with the John to avoid marriage. The first thing you have to deal with is why you fell out of love? Or was there love and attraction in the first place? The two guys represent security, familiarity; danger, excitement. Why are you going back and forth between the two? A marriage needs both elements to be alive. Are you refusing to believe that the same man could bring you both security and excitement? Do you have unhealthy concepts on marriage such as marriage is the coffin of love, it's a trap, etc? I am not going to give you an easy answer like choose this one or that one. I am asking you not to put guys into two boxes because you are depriving them chances to show you who they really are inside.
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A
female
reader, squeezeybear +, writes (3 February 2010):
'I miss him kissing me, I miss his arms around my body, I miss his warm embrace.' - Sounds like lust to me! And theres nothing wrong with a bit of lust but Im not sure I would prioritise it over your husband. Im sure when you read this you will try to rationalise your thoughts towards John Doe by telling yourself its not just physical and you miss his conversation and his personality but I really do think that would be just rationalising. Long term relationships get dull, fact, and Mister Doe was exciting, new and passionate, but eventually if you leave your husband for your other man the same thing will only happen with him. Then you'll meet someone else whose new and fresh and the whole cycle starts over. Im sorry if I sound patronising I really don't mean to be, I just found myself in an almost exactly the same situation with my fiance and my best friend and regret the choice to leave my fiance. I could be wrong, maybe John Doe is true love, but I think that if he was THE ONE you wouldn't have to ask an online forum. I really hope my regret doesn't become yours too, and I would love to know who you chose and how everything works out. Good luck in whatever you do ;) x
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