A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've always been a shy introvert and I struggle to talk to people I don't know well. In big groups (aka 6+ people not counting me) I am helpless when it comes to communication. I seem to be the only introvert at school. I'd be fine if I could be in a smaller group, but they don't exist here, or if they do it's temporary or because they're discussing a secret and want nobody to join them.When I am in a group I arrive after the weekend to find them all talking about some activity they did together that weekend. Seems I am always the one not invited to go to the beach, or to a restaurant, etc. I've never been to a high school party.A while back at school a guy who I have liked for a really long time (years), but never dared to talk to, noticed I was between groups again, on my own, and invited me to sit with his all-guy group. Most breaks they played games instead of talking, so the pressure was less, and I found I actually had a lot in common with the guy I like (hobbies, interests, lifestyle, etc.)I know he's the decent type (or at least more decent than most other guys in my school), he keeps his hands to himself, never talks "into a girl's skirt", and he shields his eyes if there's a movie scene with a naked woman (it was a Shakespeare movie in English class). I feel safer around him than around other guys. I'd had several close calls with guy friends (and even some female friends) trying to sexually harass me (no, not flirting. I mean trying to put their hands places they shouldn't) and I was glad he didn't fall into the same category.The only downside was that during second recess/break/lunch they merged with a large-ish girl group. Okay, I know I am a tomboy and I find most girly stuff unappealing, but these girls were blatant. They would wait until one of the guys stands behind them before getting out their phone and flipping through selfies they took while bra-shopping, and would ask around if it looks cute on them. They would talk about nothing but high heels and sex and when they first got their periods. And the moment they find out you like someone, they will try everything to make him their boyfriend first. They're like a bunch of male lions trying to display their dominance by possessing everyone. The guys think they are decent. I have the manners of a Disney Princess in comparison to them!The guys started telling me that it would be best if I spent more time with girls. They said those girls want to be my friends, and if I joined them I could still talk to the guys at second break.I tried. But within a few minutes I left. Because those girls told me I needed to undergo initiation. First they would style my hair right there, then I have to go to the bathroom, put on the biggest girl's bra, and take a selfie wearing nothing but it. ("Oh but don't worry!" they said. "We'll delete it straight afterwards!" Yeah. Riiiiight.) Then they would take me to a spa and let me get a bikini wax, and they would hold my hand and watch that the spa workers were doing it right.It was an offer I had to refuse. It all went entirely against my moral beliefs. I returned to the guy group and told them everything. They took the girls' side. Everyone who I told about it said that it was normal, or that they meant it as a joke, and that I was too serious. Some joke.One day I went to school and the guy I like was no longer there. He'd left school to follow his dreams. He'd told me about his dreams before and I want them to come true, so he can be happy, but I didn't think it meant I had to be kicked out of his life.I finally managed to find his number and I (a strict critic of social media) got Whatsapp so we could still talk. But if I messaged more than once a week he cut the conversation short. Eventually he blocked me.The other day I talked to one of the girls from that dodgy group and she still had him on whatsapp. So did the rest of my class. It was just me that was the problem. Which was weird because I'd gotten hints that he liked me, too. (Once at school he had made a Freudian slip, which is when you say something in your subconscious that sounds a bit like what you meant to say, and accidentally told me he loved me. He didn't even notice. It wasn't the only sign, though.)I became such a misfit at school because I lived by the manners my parents had taught me. Eventually my parents had to take me out of school before I could have a total breakdown, and now I do homeschooling. Anyone whose number I got before I left ended up being a terrible friend. One called me a cowardly runaway with nothing to show for my life. Another just lashes out at everyone half the time. Another became a model, and her social media usage has become so disturbing that I'd rather not be associated with her. None of them message me unless I message first. They don't even notice if I don't say anything for a month.When I do make conversation with people my age, by the time they say goodbye they say something in the line of, "oh we have soooo much in common, I'll give you my number next time so we can chat and I can let you know if we are doing anything!" If I tell them I know my number and have a piece of paper and a pen, I could give mine right then, they get awkward and shifty-eyed and say, "N-no, it's okay, I'll give you mine next time." Whether I offer my number or not, they never give me theirs "next time."I don't swear, I don't flirt, I don't take selfies, never take dirty photographs, I don't wear tight or neon clothing, don't expose my shoulders, cleveage, stomach or upper legs, don't wear tights, don't wear makeup, I take good care of myself, I don't drink or do drugs or go clubbing or strip, I try to be nice to everybody, I pay special attention when people talk to me and remember their birthdays and favourites...What is wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to talk to me? Is this really how kids my age behave? Why are there no exceptions but me? Or is everyone in my town insane, or am I insane?I still think about that guy I like every day. I haven't seen him since he blocked me. I keep feeling like there's a misunderstanding and that if I talked to him we could at least be friends again. I don't understand why he would just throw me away.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): There is a little expression insome cultures and it goes "the stone that the builder refuse shall be the headcornerstone!"You have the distinction of being different and mercifully you dont engage in slack behaviour and thankfully you have kept your self esteem and integrity.This makes the sheep of the groupo feel nervous.It makes the leader of the group feel nervous and it makes you feel as uncomfortable as if you had just stepped into a nest of rattlesnakes.Personally i think you sound outstanding and i think you did the correct thing in rejecting their sleazy offers.This also means that you are smart which is a quality not to be sniffed at.You have the right to feel comfortable in yourself.Did you know that our most famous Diva Beyonnce was once bullied by her classmates and look whos laughing now.Beyonnce!She left their small town mentalities to persue her dreams, she stayed close to her family and she dropped those who dropped her.Ha! And she thought a few things too ..some of which she made public.Im here cheering you on because you sound like gold in mud.The mud tends to be less important as time goes on.You can make your future what you want it to be.Do you have any play writing skills.I would love a play about these silly girls with their silly initiation (yeah, i know exactly what you mean.)Never give up hope and persue your dreams.Do not look for close friendship with strangers on the net.They also lie and connive and contrive and frequently they calculate what they can take from you.I know, i lost a daughter that way.Someone so very dear to me that i have been in limbo since, so never underestimate your own worth and stick to your sense of self worth because you are more than worth it!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 June 2016):
 Okay I am going to be honest with you here, being at school can be very difficult when you don't fit in to a crowd, but when you get older and look back you will be glad that you stayed true to yourself and didn't turn in to someone that you are not.
You struggle with communication in groups, therefore people probably look at you as the quiet one, someone they also struggle to have a conversation with, so a lot of the time they are not sure how to talk to you so they try and avoid you. In their heads they don't understand why you cannot make an effort to join the group, they might see it as ignorance while you see it as being shy, you need to try and work more on your confidence, get therapy if it is possible.
This guy that you like felt sorry for you and asked you to join his group, and it seemed to be going okay until the girls arrived. My guess is that you made no effort with them and just spoke to the boys, this would have made the girls wonder why you didn't want to talk to them, and it would have made the boys uncomfortable in the group. My guess is your guy friend wanted you to make girl friends so that you didn't need to hang out with them all the time. I think he was gently suggesting that you spend some time with others and not just them. I think he was trying to help you, but you didn't want to be friends with them girls. Okay so they are different to you, but that's not a bad thing, plenty of girls your age talk about the things you described above.
I think your crush left school to follow his dreams and now he just doesn't want to hear from you, he tried to help you but you wouldn't let those girls in. Am afraid he has blocked you because he does not want you as a friend anymore. I am sure he will have his reasons. But you need to accept that and move on from this friendship. It is not that their is anything wrong with you, its just that he tried to get you to make friends with others but you wouldn't. You seemed to think they where siding with the girls, but Sweetie, there didn't need to be sides as am sure you know yourself you could have tried a little harder to get to know them girls.
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