A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I will make this short as I can since I'm to upset and had to keep starting over. My mom died when I was 6 and I was always told she was real sad and sometimes people get too sad to live any more so they live with Jesus. I don't know why but I always thought I wasn't supposed to ask. It just hit me when I was 12 that she did it herself. I asked my brother "J" and he told me and I asked how and he said he came home from college and she was in the closet. I was in first grade and I don't remember. I only remember her a little but I remember her taking me fishing and she wore a bright blue bikini. She had red hair. There's only 2 pictures of her. I have one in my room of my head start graduation. My dad has their wedding picture from 1982.Nobody will tell me anything about her. My grandparents are in Idaho and my dad just says she's in heaven. My brother "J" says there's no heaven or hell but he won't talk about her. He's 28 and lives with his boyfriend so I'm not allowed to visit but I do anyway when my dad is at work.I took the key to the attic off my dad's keys and got a ladder when he was at work so I could get in the attic. I thought my mom's stuff would be there. It was but in one of the boxes there was a tiny green box made of stone and it had a name and a date on it.I took it. I think I know what's in it but what can I do? I'm too scared to go up there anymore but I still have my dad's key to the attic. I put the box in my camping backpack under my bed but I keep having nightmares that there's a baby crying.How do I ask what happened? How do I give my dad back the key? What do I do? Please help
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 July 2016):
 First of all, I'm so very sorry you are going through this. My heart reaches out to you now.
You have been learning a painful secret that even you instinctively know that your family resists talking about. You were old enough to know some things, but some things you're being drawn to on a subconscious level.
Listen, I know that people are telling you to go to your Dad and others, and that's right, BUT, before you do that, you need a guide.
You should go to your school counselor. He or she is trained to help guide people like you through things that no kid should have to go through. You need to tell him or her about what you've been told, what you found, what you dream, and what you think. They can help guide you to what to do next.
You may even need an ally to help deal with your feelings about this, because it has you in a huge state of distress, leaving you emotionally vulnerable.
I never had a death in my family, but I also had a huge secret uncovered in mine which rocked my world, and going to a counselor myself helped get me though why my parents withheld the information, why I was told lies, and helped get me through my changing opinion of my parents without doing something destructive or self-destructive.
You shouldn't be alone with this, sweetheart. The counselor can help you, AND maybe be there when you and your Dad talk if you're afraid of getting into trouble or having something bad happen to you.
I'll pray for you to have the courage and help to discover what you need to, and get your answers - the true ones.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2016): This is an odd story altogether. He should give you answers. She was your mother, after all. Maybe he is trying to protect you from the hurt they all felt of loss. Maybe try googling her name and maybe the city and state y'all lived in when she passed away? You may find an obituary. It is difficult to explain to a child the death of a parent, especially considering how young you were when it occurred. Maybe he doesn't know how to explain it to you. He may feel you aren't ready. He may not be ready either. It doesn't seem to me like he had any real closure about it, for him to just hide everything away.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (12 July 2016):
I am so sorry about what happened your Mom. People who commit suicide are feeling so desperate and hopeless about life that they can see no other solution. I cant imagine how hard it must be to lose your Mom at such a young age.
I like the previous posters idea about finding relatives on facebook if you are not in contact with them now. If your Dad will be mad at you for looking, then quietly put the key back before asking about your Mom. If you cant talk to your Dad for whatever reason, try a counsellor in school or even search on google for a charity/organization that helps young people. What you are feeling is normal and it must be very hard.
I am not sure of the reason why your Dad doesnt want you visiting your brother and his boyfriend, but if it is just because they are gay then that is wrong. If it is for no other reason (eg drugs) then there is nothing wrong with maintaining contact with him. I hope you get the answers you need and feel free to come back for advice any time. X.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Be honest with your dad, I am sure he knows that someday you are going to want to know more. Tell him how much this is upsetting you, ask him can you talk to your grandparents if he is not wanting to tell you himself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2016): Wow. First, I would put the box and the key back ASAP. But I agree with the poster who said your dad will know you were up there. I also agree that its an urn for your sibling's ashes. How sad that there's hardly any pictures of your mother and that your sibling's ashes aren't on display and are instead hidden in the attic. I do believe in spirits and I don't know if you do. I'd also be afraid of what I'd find up there too! Your dad didn't want you to explore up there because he was afraid of what you'd find. But it's not fair to you. You at least deserve some memories.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2016): First of all I am so, so, so sorry your family had to go through that. I know your dad doesn't want you visiting your brother and his boyfriend, but you will have to respect that. If it's about his sexual orientation, I'm sorry to hear that too, how awful! Is your brother allowed to come over? Is your dad OK with him taking you out to dinner? Your brother may open up some more. It had to be traumatic to him too. If you feel guilty for not remembering much, DON'T! Your brother probably feels bad BECAUSE of what he remembers. Your dad may too.It sounds like your dad may want to "stuff" things he doesn't like. Hardly any pictures? All her stuff in the attic? Not wanting you to visit a gay brother? Unless something about their lifestyle is dangerous to visitors (I'm thinking drugs, not sexually), your dad is avoiding things. The green box? I have no idea what could be in it but you mentioned a name not your mom's name? I wouldn't jump to conclusions.However, you NEED to talk to your dad. TELL him that you want to know more, that as a kid, coming up with an answer is hard so you understand why you were told she was sad and went to heaven. They might not KNOW why your mother was so depressed or why she did that. They SHOULD tell you where she's buried at least and let you visit if it's in town. Does anyone call HER family? You can start reaching out to them, local library might be able to look up first and last names and find an address. Ask the HISTORY section to help you find census information. It's a stretch but you could narrow it down. Try Facebook too. Do you have names of cousins on that side?Your father needs to know you have the key. What if he tries to go up there today and sees its missing? What if he gets in anyway and sees the boxes have been moved around? You will have a better time explaining yourself if YOU come to HIM."Dad, I really want to know about Mom but no one will tell me. I want to know so badly that I went in the attic and checked her boxes. Here's your key back. What's going on?" If you feel more comfortable, maybe have your brother or another adult sit with you when you do. He might not get as mad and they might be a voice of reason for him.Good luck sweetie
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (10 July 2016):
 Put the key back where you found it. It's possible that there's not many positives to say about your mum's life, so they don't want to give you more details. Losing someone to suicide is often taboo and, whilst it shouldn't be, it often means there aren't many happy things to say.
I think you may be best leaving it until you're much older, if at all. I'm sorry you lost your mum at such a young age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2016): You could ask your dad if your mum ever had any babies other than you and your brother.
He'll probably say "Why do you ask that?"
You could tell him you miss your mum and you need someone you can talk to without anger or judgement!
Or you could say "Dad i was exploring the loft the other day and i found this!"
I dont know how he'll react but he is going to notice that you are growing up and seeking answers for yourself!
You could also try saying "Look Dad I found this casket up in the loft and i want you to tell me about the child mum lost before she passed away!"
That might seem like asking mount everst to move to china and you might feel like you need help with the first steps so you could say :
"Dad i need someone to talk to about mum!"
Or you could say "Dad , if you had something that seemed like the biggest problem on earth and some one near who was wise enough to know the answer should the person ask the wiser person for help?"
The little casket maybe should go back in the loft so you could ask dad to help you return it!
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