A
male
age
,
*alksalone
writes:Hi, I'm a 49 yr old male and I have just messed my life up beyond anything I could have ever imagined. For 29 years I lived with the woman of my dreams. She was and still is everything any man could ever want and more. During our marriage I was unfaithful to her several times and looking back, I can't for the life of me figure out what was driving me to do this. To be frank with you after each encounter I would feel sick to my stomach and swear to God never to do it again. I felt so horrible because of the things I had done that when I finally gained control of whatever force was driving me, I felt that it would be the best thing to come clean with my wife. Sooooo I sat her down one day and told her everything and begged for her forgiveness. Well she was crushed and at that instant I realized I had just made the second worst mistake of my life. The first was, obviously, ever doing her wrong. Which brings me to this time and place.... now the only woman I have ever loved is gone and with her she took my heart, my soul and the love of life that I once knew.. Death would be a welcome friend. In fact I've asked God to just take me. But sadly he won’t. He's probably as disgusted with me as I am and isn't listening to me anymore. I know that I will spend the remainder of my days alone. Hopefully there wont be too many cause I'm the guy the song speaks about putting the bottle to his head and pulling the trigger. I have always been told you reap what you sow but no one ever said the harvest would be so horrible. But hopefully I can lead someone who reads this away from the path I have chosen. Because trust me the price you wind up paying is too much, too high. Don't do it by all means! And if you have, don't tell him/her, take it to your grave. Because all the ghost stories we heard as children don't compare to being haunted by a scent, a certain place, a sound, a song or a name. Because you see, the memories are everywhere I turn and they haunt me every day. And the worst thing of all is the fact that I truly hate myself and cannot find forgiveness or peace of mind. My sincere hope is that my words will stop someone dead in their tracks that is thinking of cheating. Maybe then, if I can help just one, I will find peace when I leave this earth. But until then I am doomed to reach for her and find only empty arms, look for her in every crowd, cry for her every night, smell her scent in the wind and hear her voice in my head as I walk along cold and alone. May she and God forgive me though I never will. I pray you never know such great pain as I have inflicted upon myself.Who am I? I am Walksalone.
View related questions:
crush Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): My Heart Truly goes out to you! You realize your mistakes and can do nothing to undo them...we all make mistakes. I know I have made plenty!
God is not disgusted with you. He knows how you repent! He loves you and wants you to be happy. He wants you to continue to guide other men onto the right path. You will find happiness and you will cherish it and never make the same mistakes you have made!
Before I wrote this previous paragraph, I prayed for God to speak through me. I am not conning you...I truly believe He speaks through us!
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. God won't take you if he still has plans for you! Move on and dedicate your life to loving and helping others...and happiness will come! I promise!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): I can feel why she left you.She loved you too much.Most of us don't realize that love not only brings joy and happiness but the worst kind of hurt imaginable.
You are already in pain.
I hope the fact that she loved you beyond words,beyond worlds that she couldn't bear to think of you with other women heals you a little.I also feel you were married to a wonderful,strong woman who had enough courage to value herself as a woman and a human being.
Time heals all wounds.If you can help other human beings who are struggling with their lives,the healing become faster.May lord bless you with his peace,joy and happiness this new year.
...............................
A
female
reader, lucy267  +, writes (1 January 2009):
 Why do men do this? My Husband has just done exactly the same.We were together 12yrs and have 2 beautiful sons. The difference is though that where you regreted what you did..he said he loved her.
But things messed up she only wanted him for sex occassionaly,not a committment,so i took him back.we lasted a day because his heart wasnt in it.
he went back to her when she called to say she was sorry.however she was being vindictive and just wanted him hurt she didn't want him but didnt want me to have him either.
We are now getting divorced but i dont really want it...he is trying to rebuild his life close by so he can see our sons and,i hope,find if I am still in his heart.
I love him dearly even though he has hurt me...he sees divorcing me as penance.Only time will tell.
You were honest (eventually) but maybe this was because you couldnt live with the guilt you felt? Your wife has lost trust in you and that is the hardest thing to get back...but it is possible.
Dont give up.
You made a mistake and you have to live with the consequences.However if you want your wife you have to prove it...
time heals most wounds,i do believe that,But you have to stop talking like your life is over.
You are the only one who can sort this mess out..pickk yourself up..get your head screwed on...find what matters most to you and fight for it..if your wife has moved on then i am truly sorry but dont make the next mistake of jumping in with the next offer straight away.You need time.
Trust can sometimes be built back if both parties are willing.
I dont believe in God but I do believe in Good, and in Love.
Take care and i wish you love & hope.
You just live alone,you are not walksalone.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): Wow!! It's not often that you actually get to read a heartfelt and true confession from a man of your age. I can see from your words that you are truly sorry for what you have done and are living in the cold empty light of regret. Your sorrow is palpable and from one human being to another I truly feel for you.
It's true that you cheated but you took a gamble on coming clean and it didn't pay off for you, that must be an incredibly bitter pill but at least you told the truth.
I am 44 and I am also alone. My husband of 18 years was a hardened drinker, gambler and liar and inevitably our marriage hit the rocks. Our two children are grown up and have their own lives. My husband only ever said sorry to me once. For everything he had done to me, it was never enough and when he cried to me, I could only see him crying for himself. I have been on my own now for almost 5 years. I find it impossible to date other men successfully even after all this time as my pain is too great (although I am improving). At work I have colleagues to chat to but when I am home I am always by myself and I cannot see that changing. I just get through each day as best I can...
See the point I am making is that despite your own pain and sorrow, you perhaps do not know the depth of your ex wifes pain. I know you are sorry but you cannot turn back the clock. I am sure your wife doesn't want to see any harm come to you. I do not wish to see my ex come to harm despite what he has done.
Sometimes you just have to close the door and move on. Killing yourself or even having depressive thoughts achieves nothing. Your here, your breathing and even though you hate yourself...you are still a relatively young man who has the possibility of a future. Let the past go and if you can't then only allow yourself a limited amount of time a day to think about it. Thats what I do. I just think about it for a few minutes a day and then I say 'enough'
Life is very hard and we all make mistakes. It's time to FORGIVE yourself, FORGET the past and go FOWARD.
Seriously I wish you the best for the future. I hope you heal and know that someone in the world (in England)cares and is sending you hope and good wishes to help you through.
Angie xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (1 January 2009):
 Thank you.
Please don't finish yourself off. Nothing is worth that. At 49 there is still a huge amount of good that you can do. Change your environment completely and find redemption through helping others. I have an idea for you if you're interested.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): Seek help and move on. You deserved to be left
...............................
|
