A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 11 months and I broke up around Halloween of last year. We were having issues, I liked her more than she liked me, and I felt I was the only one putting forth effort in the relationship. We were both obviously upset by the situation.During several months apart, we were still talking and hooking up occasionally. Eventually we talked and made the choice that we wanted to try and date again.So while spending some time together again, I ended up telling her that while we were hooking up and about 3 weeks after we broke up, I ended up hooking up with another girl. No sex, but I ended up getting several blowjobs from her that night. I did it because I was sad and lonely and obviously wanted to feel good again. Anyways, I don't regret it or think I did anything wrong. And my gf was not mad about it either.In response to this she wanted to be honest too and told me that she hooked up with another guy as well. A week after we broke up, she was visiting with friends in NYC. She made out with a friend of a friend, and they both went down on each other that night. It was a drunken mess, wasn't very good, and her friends kept pushing the situation on her. And she did it for the very same reasons I did. She was sad and lonely, and wanted to feel wanted again. There was no further contact with this guy nor an exchange of numbers. It meant nothing to her. She hooked up with me the next day, but while we were hooking up again, she only was with me.So, I do not think she did anything wrong and I don't fault her for those actions. We were broken up, and I did something very similar. But for some reason I am bothered by what she did. I do not want to think of my girl pleasuring some other dude. I just keep picturing the situation happening in my head. Now that for the first time my gf wants to put in the same amount of effort as I do, I really don't want my own insecurities to ruin this second chance at happiness. I wasn't bothered very much by her past before me, but the fact that this guy was in the picture at the same time as me hurts. Why am I bothered so much by what she did even though I did something very similar? How do I get myself over these feelings?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): This is back to the old double standards thing. You are annoyed and cannot get passed what she did... even though she was single, but yet you had your pleasure AND stated that you don't regret it! Well she shouldn't either by the way.
Both of you were single, right?! You did the same thing she did, you don't know the guy, and I take it she does not know the girl, so forget about it. It never has to happen again and to move forward keep telling yourself she chose me! and that these feelings of jealousy you're having are unfair, and out of proportion. She loves YOU because she chose to be with YOU.
You two are starting over again, at least you both want to, then you need to look on it like it was just a guy she was with before you got together...FORGET THE PAST. You're starting on a clean sheet. Do not ruin it with your insecurity.
Good luck.x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012):
1. Double standard. You did the same as she did.
2. Realize she may have lied to you. She may not have hooked up with anyone at all or else maybe she had sex with quite a few guys. Her story seems calculated to put the two of you on par.
3. Were you both virgins when you met? If not, what's the difference? If so, see point #1.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): YOu were both human and really, not often that two couples can relate so well together and apart.What I like about this- dont' laugh people- is that it shows that two people can make mistakes, can be humble and apologize, have learnt their lesson, commit to forsake others, and rededicate to one another once more.I'm thinking GF will struggle from time to time with the forgiveness and with trusting you as well.I think what the root cause of it is your insecurity. YOu think you love more, you do more, you trust more, you invest more. That is still a ME mentality and it is still cousin to being selfish. It is this that will ruin the relationship.So I'm going to suggest couples counselling so you both can get this matter resolved.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (26 January 2012):
 it hurts because you care for her, love her, value her. Does she regret that night with the other guy, that can be a starting place. you both made mistakes, you are both together now. your story sounds a lot like mine. while dating my wife years ago. we was broke up over a year, and got back together. she had sex with other guys, and yes it hurt, and still hurts almost 30 years later. why does it hurt because i love her, i value her, i treasure her. she is the only woman i wanted to be with, to spend my life with. you have a choice to pick up the piece's and go forward with her or leave her, and let someone else come into her life. if you stay with her you need to talk this over between you two, heart to heart . most of all don't hurt her with her past. if she regrets what happened that's all you can ask for if you are willing to stay with her. yes its going to hurt, that's because you care for her. i know were your at, i have been there and am there now. i hope this helps.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 " I do not want to think of my girl pleasuring some other dude".
What about the fact that some other girl pleased YOU? I'm sorry I cant be nice about this...I mean, its ok for you, but its not ok for her to do it? And like you are perfect?!! In any case, you dont regret it or think you've done anything wrong, then why do you think that your girlfriend's done something wrong? If it applies to you, it applies to her too!
You know what, appreciate the fact that she honestly told you about the drunken fumble, because she could have very well hidden it from you and made YOU feel bad about YOUR little blow job encounter. If you cant think of her with any other guy, then she too cant think of you with any other girl...its only natural. But she's ready to give it all despite this setback, and if you let this silly insecurity come between you now, then its doomed.
Look ahead, try to leave the past behind. No one is perfect, all of us have certain things which we wish we hadnt done in the past. Can we undo them? No. But we can look beyond them and make a good life, despite them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): In regards to picturing it in your head, I know it's hard not to, but when those thoughts and pictures start to come into your head keep trying to push them out, try and force yourself to think of something else, I found that when thoughts like that came into my head I would focus on the great times my Man and I have spent together, eventually those thoughts about him being with someone else went away, and it was easier to push them out. Try to shift your focus onto you and your girlfriend. Also thinking that this experience will only make you stronger as a couple because she chose you in the end, very few people get second chances. I wish you both the best of luck.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 All I can say is that you just have to push through it. Ignore whatever thoughts you might have of that night and eventually you will just forget and let go. It isn't impossible and if you really want to give this real chance, I see no other way. Just don't let it get to you.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (26 January 2012):
You are bothered so much because you care about her. Honestly this has happened to me before. i didnt get over it and started to date my x again. it didnt work. i couldnt get over it. If you two start to date again and arnt over what she did when she was single its just going to hurt you inside. going to ruin your relationship. Make sure you are over it before you start to date again if thats what ends up happening. Just realize her past stuff she did means nothing. Because if it did she could be with them. But she doesnt want to be with them or anyone. She wants you. SHE WANTS YOU! Dont think about the past think about the future. its hard to do trust me i know. but its really good to write about how your felling and get advice. Just get it out of your system and this website is great for that!! Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): From what it seems of ur situation,
U are certainly being paronoid, you should see this an an opportunity to start over, I am pretty sure that the fact that u both have hooked up with others and stil want to give eachother a second chance, means that u's like eachother a lot.
My advice to u Would be to let go of the past and start over, ur human to feel slightly jelous, bt at the end of the day she chose to be with U, nt anyone else.
Enjoy xx
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