A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a hard time getting rid of the past. My wife and I split for almost two month quite a few years ago. During this time she had a fling with another man. This man was a disgusting excuse for a man. He's a drunk and almost 15 years older than her. I'm not sure what happened but all of the sudden all this popped into my head like it was yesterday. We were eachothers firsts and my only, and I can't get her being intimate with her out of my head. It also bothers me that she found someone to be with and jumped in his bed so quickly. I have nightmares about her leaving me again, or not being satisfied by me and cheating on me. It doesn't help that I find sex to be sacred and wouldn't want to be intimate with anyone but my wife, so her having someone else is killing me. I can't figure out how to let this go.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): Maybe you shouldn't be letting it go. Sex means more to you than it does to her so you have lost moral compatibility with her. You have lost respect for her because of the guy she chose and the way she handled herself with him. You have lost your sexual confidence with her because of the whole thing. You have lost trust in her words about it. You have lost assurance that she really loves you and is not just comfortable with you. All this is a lot to lose. Are you really in love with the person she is today? Or are you just in love with who she used to be, who you want her to be? The person she was before all this happened is gone and never coming back. You can never have that woman again, you can only have the one she is now. Is she still who YOU want?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): This is troubling me as I'm trying to tell what story is true, the one from when we got back together or the one now. I'm scared of her leaving or cheating even though she stays home and expresses her love for me. Sometimes I wonder if she really loves me or if she's just comfortable.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): This man was a friend of her family and a shoulder to cry on. It made me feel like she left me for him, even though she told me she didn't have sex with him until a couple weeks before we began talking again. I really hate myself for letting her go, and not chasing her. We had our problems then, but we were working on them and I thought we were getting better. Her leaving took me completely by surprise, and it hurt. I can't get the thought of them having sex out of my head. How she could just give herself to another man, especially having very low standards with her choice, worries me if it could happen again. We waited until we were married, but she gave herself to him after a couple weeks. She also told me after the first time, she was sick, but she was afraid to tell him no. Knowing that he had her whenever he wanted makes me feel bad rejection and jealousy when she says no to me. Part of me wonders how I measure up in bed and makes me insecure about our sex life especially knowing he is much larger than me and I'm below average. When we started talking again she mentioned that the sex was great, but she loves me. Now she tells me that the sex was painful, and she didn't want to do it and made her sick. I really want this to be burried in the past, I don't know how to let it go. I love my wife more than life, she's my everything. We are happy now.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 It sounds really unpleasant.
Something must have triggered this to hit you just recently how it has. Something has caused you to feel insecure and the firewall in your mind built against this has been breached. That insecurity could be in your relationship, but may well not be.
Understand that this isn't about her or what happened. Rather one of YOUR worst fears is being triggered (she leaves you). Something inside you is creating your anxiety, and this previous event is acting as fuel on the flames.
I suggest trying a few things:
- Work on your own sense of confidence. Think about what's changed that could have triggered this and face it. Exercise, being social, doing things you enjoy, meditation, these all help.
- Share your feelings with your wife. But do so carefully. Don't blame her or make it her fault. Rather tell her you're having a period of insecurity about the relationship and could do with some reassurance. A good way to do this is just to spend quality time together. Enjoying each others company will build confidence that you are good together and she's not going to go anywhere.
- Try not to think about what happened. Yes you find the fling horrible, but i'm certain it wasn't a positive thing for her either. She'd just split with her husband, she no doubt felt terrible and very very lonely. In those situations people seek solace in the wrong places. That he's a 'disgusting excuse for a man' say more about how much you mean to her and how difficult the split was than anything else. Try to let go of the event: what matters is the here and now: maintaining a positive connection with your wife whilst you work on your own anxiety and security.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 November 2012):
 You say that this happened "quite a few years ago..." and that it has, just recently, resurfaced as something that is "getting to you." From your submittal header, I'm guessing that your age is about 35. THAT is a "passage" year/time. Get Gail Sheehy's book, "Passages" and read it. It will give you some insight on what might be going on in your head as you are at another of life's "passages."
It wouldn't hurt, as well, to take a session or two with a trusted advisor/counsellor to talk about your feelings... what is triggering them.... and how you can address them (your discussion in this submittal is not really very different from the thoughts and feelings that ANY man might experience, under the circumstances.)...
I suspect that you will emerge - sometime in the near future - with a clear mind and a fresh new approach to life and your marriage.... and will begin anew as if you and "the Missus" are newlyweds... and enjoying one-another with renewed enthusiasm...
Good luck......
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