A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a bit sexually frustrated. My husband doesn't last a long time in bed these days. When we used to have sex more frequently, it was rarely an occurrence, but now, he might last a minute or two, not enough time for me to climax. He's not into the idea of using anything like Viagra. I also have a difficult time climaxing with oral. How can we get our sex back on track so we're both climaxing?
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (9 November 2012):
 Drugs like Viagra don't fix premature ejaculation -- they just give him the opportunity to have an erection and from the sounds of it, him getting hard isn't a problem.
If he is having problems lasting longer, I would encourage you to try the following things:
1) Have him wear a condom. This will reduce the sensitivity for him and should allow him to last a bit longer.
2) Have him perform Kegel exercises. This will help him control the muscle that controls climaxing. As men get older they can lose control of this muscle.
3) Have him see his urologist. They may be able to give you creams or other tips to help control his problem
4) Have him masturbate earlier in the day when you decide to have sex. This will make him less likely to finish as quickly.
5) Have him perform some oral on you before proceeding to intercourse. This could get you halfway there and therefore allow you to orgasm more quickly. I know you are hesitant on adding toys to the equation, but they too can get you part way there especially if you include him in the process.
Finally, as a relationship ages, often times the sexual desires tend to wane. I do applaud you for the initiative that you've taken. By trying new things and spicing things up; you've definitely done your part. If all else fails, you may want to consider seeing a sex therapist to see if there is something else amiss. Perhaps your husband feels pressured to perform and is shying away from fear of failure. A competent therapist may uncover the source.
Eddie
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Like I said, this isn't a problem of a lack of "spice" it sounds like it is some kind of communication problem. I'm guessing something bigger is wrong in your relationship. Maybe there's something at work he's not telling you about (a stress thing, not a cheating thing), or who knows what. Maybe you both aren't making sure that spark is there. But your sex life going downhill is not just about your sex life, it sounds like something else is going on in the rest of of your relationship that makes him not feel as close to you anymore.It could be a really easy fix, where you just try to bring back the butterflies in the rest of your relationship. It's easier than it seems. You need to have new fun experiences together. When you do new things together, especially things that push your boundaries a little, it releases those bonding chemicals, that spark from the beginning of your relationship. Even just go to a new restaurant. Go on a walking adventure, especially in bad weather or at a weird time of day. Do things you wouldn't normally do. If you normally both just head home at the end of the day and veg out, arrange to meet someplace interesting (like, a new exhibit at a museum). Just add newness into the relationship, not the sex.When people feel bored in their sex lives often they immediately jump to needing more spice in their sex, but usually it's the other way around. Add spice to the rest of the relationship and the sex life will follow. Good sex comes from being close to your partner, not from lingerie or candles.I've only been with my partner for 4 years, but it's long enough that we go through rough patches with our sex life and it's almost never about the sex. Sometimes it's anxiety, sometimes it's because we've been fighting and don't feel very into each other for that month, sometimes one of us is not feeling great at work. You two need to sit down and find out what is bugging him, and definitely try the adding newness to the rest of your relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyone's feedback. When sex started to slow in our relationship, I didn't want it to. I started sexting him, sending dirty pics, being in hot lingerie when he got home from work. He wouldn't be very responsive, and I often got turned down. I suppose I've gotten so discouraged, that I stopped doing all of those things cause I don't want to be rejected. So our sex life turns into him taking me when I first wake up. It's quick, and I have have a difficulty climaxing. I've tried setting up dates or special occasions. One night, I gave him a full body massage, then tried to start things up, but it ended up with just a BJ cause he didn't last long enough. I've talked to him about it, and he tried to rub my clit after he cums, but I have a hard time with clit stimulation - I'm a penetration g-spot girl. I guess the idea of toys bores me. I may as well just masturbate with them when he's not around. I just miss being desired. I feel like he's just not really trying to please me anymore.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (7 November 2012):
OK OP, with the additional information you have given I have a few suggestions. I know that frequency of sex generally slows down as a relationship goes on, but there are ways you can still enjoy sex and have an orgasm without doing it twice a day.
1. Change up the time of day. Why is it you and your husband tend to have sex in the mornings? Do you go to bed at the same time? Is he or are you too tired? This is something you should discuss and attempt to work out with your husband. Maybe sneak off into a bathroom in the middle of the day over the weekend, or turn in for the night a little earlier. There's got to be opportunities at times other than firs thing in the morning.
2. Try scheduling sex. I know that sounds unappealing, but it really does work. The two of you can make it an event, part of a "date night" (that need not involve going anyway, it could just be takeout and a movie). Work to build up the anticipation by sending dirty texts to each other, and when the time comes that you're finally alone and naked with him both of you should be really worked up. That can lead to some great sex!
3. Try to incorporate some toys into the mix, or experiment more with oral sex. Why is it more difficult for you to climax? Is it a matter of technique? Have you tried using a vibrator? It is a bit ironic that you are able to orgasm from penetrative sex, as many women cannot, or at least they cannot easily do it, whereas you struggle more to climax from oral. Some experimentation is in order to see if there is something you and your husband can easily adopt that will allow you to orgasm without interfering with how well things are working for him.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (7 November 2012):
Hi - viagra is a drug which targets the blood vessels in the penis helping them to dilate and increase blood flow, so the penis becomes filled with blood. It allows the man to have an erection easier and for longer... but it does not man lasts any longer... if he ejaculates the penis will start to deflat naturally. However the effects of the pill last for upto a day, so if he were to get horny again he would have a second erection and probably also be able to last longer.
I dont think your husbands problem is lack of erections, its a desire to work with you to achieve your pleasure. He's being selfish.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): My hubby has the same problem sometimes. Says I make him so hot he can't help it. Does he touch himself alot before putting it in you? Sometimes he's about to burst before I've even gotten warmed up. If you ask him maybe he will get you ready with his mouth and/or hands. If all else fails get him to use a toy on you and the cock ring the other person suggested is a good idea too. I don't think sny of those over the counter libido things work so I wouldn't recommend anything like that. Patience and hopefully it will get better soon.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 November 2012):
This sounds like a problem with communication then. It sounds like you've fallen into a rut where your husband just wants to get it over with rather than have fun and enjoy it and obviously you don't want to be used as just an alternative to his hand.
You two need to sit down and figure out why he has stopped wanting sex to be special and how you can fix it. You should be straightforward with what you want. If you don't want morning sex, then ask for sex later in the day. If you want more foreplay, ask for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI used to always orgasm from sex, often multiple orgasms, but it takes me a few minutes to get there, and he finishes before I get there. Sometimes he only lasts 30 seconds. He's tried slowing down or stopping, but it seems to just happen anyway. We used to have sex a couple times a day, and he was able to last longer then (5-20 minutes), but now we have sex a couple times a week, and he cums right away. I don't want him to take Viagra or anything like that either. Otherwise, he's a healthy guy. He's not as keen on foreplay like he used to either. Most of our sex happens right after we wake up, so another issue I have is being half-wake when we have sex. I just can't cum when I'm sleepy. I also miss having sex more. He's just not as keen on the quality and quantity anymore. I don't know what happened.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 November 2012):
Did you used to orgasm from sex?
Several things, one even if you can't finish from other methods, get very close before having sex. That will definitely help. You can even warm yourself up with your own fingers and then call him in.
What he should do is work on how to back himself off from finishing. A lot of people have the idea that lasting a long time means continuously going at it and just not finishing, but the guys who know how to last forever know to stop moving when they get close. Sometimes that's just sitting still for 30 seconds, sometimes it's pulling out and pleasuring you for awhile. But lasting is not really about desensitization. A lot of men talk about kegels, those seem to really help too.
Lastly, you may want to consider getting some toys, like cock rings that either have a raised bit that helps you get more friction or that vibrate.
Viagra can be dangerous for men with heart issues, so I definitely wouldn't be jumping to that.
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