A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex insisted to see me recently and won't stop bugging me until I said yes, I will talk to him.On the phone he sounded like he was going to cry. When I saw him, he said he prayed so hard I would agree to see him which i did. He looked shy and was smiling. Then he began his litany. He said he missed me so much, asked to hug me. When he did, he won't let me go. Evrytime we park his car, he throws himself at me and hugs me and smells me. And says he had a terrible time after we broke up (break-up was 2 months ago).I had recently informed him I was thinking of entering into a new relationship and that's when he reacted. From someone who seemed to have moved-on and doesn't care about me, he became this weak person who confesses how he feels. He keeps looking at me, holding my hand.Then he asked me about this new guy and I refused to give any information. But he went on to ask me if I think I will be happy and I said yes. He was quiet after that. Later he asked me if I wanted to spend the night with him and I refused.The next day we texted late at night and his response was not as warm as I expected. So instead I told him to have a good week ahead and he replied by saying sorry, he feels he might have hurt me again. So i asked him directly if he wants me back or not. I don't have time blah blah blah. He said he cannot decide right now. He needs to think first but if I can't wait then I have to go on with my life.Now my question is, so why did he have to see me afterall if he is not sure he wants me back? Did i discourage him by mentioning a new guy? Or his actions were all fake and it was just the classic booty call? I was right to refuse to spend the night with him, do you agree with me?Please, I need opinions so i will know what to do in case this happens again. Thanks in advance.
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booty call, broke up, shy, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): wow that is quite a story... do you know if he has someone, it could be that he is actually pressured by this other girl not to talk to you even when he really wants to right?
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (29 July 2009):
 Once again....this is not rocket science. every time you have contact with him it will continue. It does not take four paragraphs of beating this dead horse to figure this out.
Do not contact him, delete him from your life, or this low drama will continue. For all the time you are spoending dragging this out, it will get worse and you will overanalyze every aspect and be back here asking the same question over
and over
and over.
NO CONTACT
NO CONTACT
NO CONTACT
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 July 2009):
 He dumped you by text? Yikes, that's an immature or cowardly act there.
Okay, I've read your question and follow up several times and I think I have a handle on this and a possible explanation and solution for you. I think. I could be wrong, this is just my speculations put together for your perusal.
First off, did he get his stuff? Or was that task forgotten in the midst of this emotional upheaval?
You have to get that stuff out of there, that's just negative emotional energy sitting there. Can you box it all up, grab a friend or three and drive it over to his place and drop it? Or if you're feeling stern and intolerant enough, let him know that his things will be on the curb at 1800 hrs tomorrow evening whether he is or not. Then post the curb drop on craigslist. Freecycle.org is also a good way to give away things that someone else could use. The point is you need to get that stuff out of your life. And no feeling guilty about doing it if he doesn’t come through for the pick up. It’s been two months already. Get it out of there!
Okay, so why is he acting this way? You may have completely startled him and he was happy in some fantasy that you were pining for him and would be there if need be. You telling him that you were about to date someone and could actually be happy with this guy freaked him out because it didn't mesh with this fantasy. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but what it didn't do was give him time to process this new knowledge. He had to get in there and react, without having thought through whether he really wanted you back or not. He just did a gut, visceral thing--"she's MINE! and he can't have her without me okaying this or without me making sure she's not still hung up on me."
I have to say, I applaud you for being so sensible and level-headed about this, and for not letting sex cloud things for you again.
I don't know if it was just a booty call. I rather think it was a desperate attempt to keep himself from being rejected by you, as you would be rejecting him in the most fundamental way if you got together with another guy. I answered a question from a woman a couple of days ago who was very upset to learn that her ex was getting married. They were long broken up and she didn't want him back, but there it was, this feeling that was very upsetting. I know I was pretty wacko when my college ex announced he was getting married too. I didn't want him back, not in the slightest, but it was this feeling that I was being left behind and being left out. Left out of life, I mean, not HIS life, just that I was falling behind or something.
So maybe before he had a chance to really think about this, maybe he's tired and stressed and just decided to see you and see that he still held a special place in your heart. And because sex is how some men express and experience love, he asked to spend the night. It could have been a final hurrah, too, the last chance he would have to see you as a single woman and once you were involved with someone else, you wouldn't be sexually or emotionally available to him any more. Maybe because you'd been an item, he felt he had right of first refusal? That you had to run this by him before you got together with another guy? I don't know.
Or maybe it was a booty call. You know him better than us, once you get yourself calmed down from all this emotion, you'll be able to see it more clearly.
One thing I'd do if I were in your shoes and you and he decided to try again, I'd leave sex out of it for at least 3 months. Just get back together and BE with each other without sexual intercourse, oral sex, hand jobs or fingering (why do I hate that word? I digress). Make out if you'd like, but no sex. Why would I prescribe this? Because you aren't certain if you are a booty call or not. If he's serious about trying again, he'd be willing to wait until you felt you could trust him again. It's a test, yes, dammit, it is a test, but I think it's only fair to impose this on a guy who broke up with you via text and then left all his sh*t for you to deal with.
So I hope this helps you process some of this. And remember, you don't have to get back to him tonight. You are allowed thinking time. Don't feel pressured into any decisions with this state of emotional upheaval, okay?
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother thing, I actually asked him 2 nights after why he had done it to me, crying and begging then next night dumping me on text. He really messed up my head when I was getting okay.
He said he had done it because he was stupid.
What kind of stupid answer is that? I have never known him to be like this in our whole 2 years. He was always bright and rational and he always understood his feelings and would tell me if he is confused or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for the response.Yeah, my story is quite confusing. Actually, the reason why we were in contact was because I pressured him to get his personal belongings from my house. He always finds an excuse not to get it. His attitude is giving me hope. And I had started to date a suitor of mine but I thought I cannot fully date him if I still have my exs clothes, appliances etc at home. I feel guilty for this new guy although I have to admit he is a rebound guy.Now my ex asked me why I was so in a hurry, i was a bit insulted and got angry so I told him, he can send anyone around if it suits him but I am not doing it as an excuse to see him.."as a matter of fact, I am thinking of entering into a new relationship". And that's when he became crazy.When I agreed to see him after his persuasions, at first our talk was cordial and we even joked. Then he asked me about this new guy to which I refused to disclose anything. Until he asked me if i think I will be happy. When I demanded for him to drop me home, he said he was not through talking and begged me to give him another hour to talk. And that's when he poured out his feelings. And he asked me if he could hug me and so on and so forth. So my feelings turned 180 degrees too. I really fell for it. I still love him and seeing him like that, my heart melted. He even said he prayed that I will still accept him.Yeah, I still want him back, i realized. But I need to figure out if he just took that chance to take advantage of me or his feelings were genuine. From there I will know what to do.He texted me today but i did not reply yet. Help me!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): I agree that you were right not to spend the night with him.
He may have wanted to give things another try with you, but then felt uncomfortable when you mentioned another guy. That may be why he is unsure of his feelings now.
The thing that strikes me about this though is, where are you in all of this? You met your ex because he kept bugging you to. He told you his feelings, and now he says he isn't sure whether he wants you back or not.
But what do YOU want? What about your feelings in all of this? He may want you back...but do you want that too? You mentioned another guy who you think you could be happy with. Maybe you are happy with him?
I think you should try and be strong with your ex, and not get drawn into the confusion of how he feels about you, and what he wants/doesn't want. Do what YOU want. If you would like to give things with him another try, then that's fine, but make sure all of this is what you want. Don't let your own feelings get swept aside. Good luck. x
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (28 July 2009):
I think you need to check yourself here. If you are thinking about entering into a new relationship, why are you giving this guy whom you've been broken up with mixed signals?
You agreed to see him, (surely you are intelligent enough to know that when you agreed to see him that he was going to get his hopes up). You told him about the new guy, so hell yes he is discouraged! Telling him that gave him every indication that its over between you two. He wanted to sleep with you because he is desperate to win your love again, and telling him that you've moved on to another guy in that short of a time(it seems short to you, but to desperate people in this situation two months is an agonizing eternity, evidenced by his throwing himself at you).
Yes you were right not to sleep with him, but to give him this false hope by staying in contact is serving no purpose other than to him being tortured by your memory and not being able to let it go, and the only thing it has achieved for you has been to write here asking the question.
Why are you texting him if its over between you two? Think about it!
You wonder in case it happens again? IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU GIVE HIM FALSE HOPE, WHICH YOU ARE GIVING HIM BY REMAINING IN CONTACT OR SEEING HIM!
This is one case where if both of you want to move forward, then you cant be in contact...simple as that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): sounds like he doesnt want you and doesnt want anyone else to have you either. Tht and the extent of what you should do with an ex is talk when you meet in public. Maybe in time ye can be friends but not straight away.
My advice, a clean break and I mean clean, no calls no text no hugs no hair smelling, and definitely no sex.
You move on with your life and he should do the same.
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