A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What is the best thing to do after a bad argument with your long term boyfriend in terms of who makes the peace gestures. My bf walked out on me after a big argument which he started due to being in a bad mood. He said it was all over and he was not coming back and he was really really rude and insulting to me. I am angry and don't want to get back him right now (not sure about further down the line as I do love him and have been with him for a long time) but I do want to speak to him and make the peace. This happened just over a week ago and we have not spoken at all. I'm not sure whether to wait for him to apologise or just send some sort of a short conciliatory text to put us on good terms or whether to just leave it etc .. I am unwell at the moment and the stress of the argument made me feel worse but also the stress of things being unresolved with him is not helping either. I am angry that he has not at least apologised for his behaviour, even a short email would have been ok just to say sorry for the insults, swearing and shouting and hope you are ok etc .. Do i just leave it for now. I feel like I should not speak to him until he apologises for the abusive behaviour but equally i don't want to leave it forever so if I do eventually phone or text him, what do i say? and how long do I leave it? This is causing me a lot of distress as we have been very close and although we have had problems I do love him a lot and really he is the first person I have loved properly in my whole life and I am nearly 40. We normally speak every day and I do feel bereft. I do believe it would be best to have a break from him because we have had problems but I don't want it on bad terms and don't want to lose all contact with him. I will want to make the peace at some point without losing face or looking as though I am weak and giving in to him (he has done this before by the way). what message am I giving him by not contacting him at all at the moment? Any suggestions? Sorry if this sounds a bit muddled but I am all stressed out and upset about it all and just need some guidance. Thanks.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Thanks Anon,just some common sense only.LOL!
Behind a hard facade lies a soft heart.
What you see is not what you get.
You need to look deeper into their souls.
A small boy inside of him crying for help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): wow that's a hell of an answer from 'laura1318' it's quite inspired
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (12 February 2008):
Who should say sorry first?
The one that is rational or level headed should do the apologizing to clear up the obstacle in their relationship.
This person should not care whether whose fault it is but to get the relationship back on the highway. That is the most important thing to do.
If you start saying that you are not at fault and it is the other party that is and should apologize first, you will let the problem fester and grow out of proportions. This kind of thinking is immature and childish.
Mature people learn to solve problems quickly and it does not matter how you do it . It is the results that counts.
Even if we are not wrong, we can say sorry to bring our mates back to normal and move on with our life.
If you are being stubborn and have pride, you will not solve your problems. It will be a long drawn out war and both will suffer.
Whats the point? That's why Christians are told to settle their differences at the end of the day before it becomes a gigantic problem.
When you argue and get heated up, all kinds of hurtful words are hurled at you. You need to remember that when a person is angry , he will lashed out because he is in pain.
Don't take those words seriously . Words said in anger should only be taken with a grain of salt.
If you want a quick solution, go meet him and tell him to let's forgive each other and hug him. It does not matter who says sorry first. If you do it , it will quickly solve the impasse in your relationship.
To forgive is divine...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): I am going through the exact thing at the moment, my bloke has a week where he starts belittling me and then makes an argument over nothing at all, I have been with him 3 years and this seems to happens roughly every 6 months, the last time it was 2 weeks before he contacted me and only then it was because i saw him in the pub and blanked him, he called me and said that me doing that had hurt him and he realised he was happier with me than without but he still waited until he had been in the pub 4 hours before he called, Alarm beels should have run then! but here we are 6 months on and the same has happened again. My self esteem is at an all time low but i have more self respect that to let this continue any more. I am scared of being on my own again as i have very few friend but i know i will get there and you will too!Take Care
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): thank you for your answers he has said to me in the past that games 'do work' and he was was once told on a train by a complete stranger who overheard him shouting at me over the mobile phone that he was 'the most arrogant man' she 'had ever met' i think he might be trying to punish me but then that is not very loving - he said he used to dump his ex girlfriend but that they 'always came running back after' him etc etc .. he refuses counselling
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): If he initiated the argument, he owes you an apology. Plain and simple. He'san adult,he knows how to take responsibility for his bad behavior. Leave this until you get that apology and don't let your love hormones get the better of you. Let him feel what it is like to miss you for a change. If it's been over a week, then he's still likely waiting for you to make the move. And if this drags on another week, then I would make solid efforts to move on and not worry about ending all this on bad terms. Why do women do that? They get a guy in their life who treats them like badly, they fight, he leaves and she feels remorse, guilt and angst? And then if the relationship ends, she wants it not to end badly?? Who cares?? Show him you have strength. There is a kind of Men out there who has no problems with feeling badly or guilty no matter how terribly they teated their ladylove. He might be one of them...he has no problems ignoring a woman they are annoyed with...so why shouldn't you. He did something wrong, and now he won't apologize. Although to me, that is a huge red flag into the character of this man, I am more frustrated with you. Yes, you are acting needy here all because you 'love him' causing you to be weak and lose sight of 'who he really is'. If he had done this to you before, use some of your rationale here and start building your self-respect up, enough to at least wait this out. But have a plan. If he doesn't call, in a couple more weeks, then he doesn't care to nor does he respect you. That's when you say, I am going to heal and recover. There is no other way, but going up, hun. Why waste your time in life, trying to fix a lemon...trade him in for a better one.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (11 February 2008):
 Hi,Oh no you shouldnt be the one to apologise at all after he said it is all over. I wouldnt even bother thinking about him if i were you. Go out and enjoy yourself and meet someone nice.If at all you even want to consider him back at all (dont know why?) he should have really begged and aplogised for everything. Dont let anyone treat you like that and get away with you unless it is going to be a continued pattern. you dont want to be taken for granted or not to be respected by a guy, do you? no matter how you feel. Be strong and move on. Lots of hugs. KellyKelly
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A
female
reader, Lucinda. +, writes (11 February 2008):
 Hiya,
I know im only young but i still know what its like to be on the spot that you are now...
everyone has bad arguments with there loved ones...and its always hard to make the first move. I hate being the first to apologise but sometimes it just needs to be done.
Maybe your boyfriend realises what he's done wrong and is affraid to apologise to you as he doesnt know what your reaction will be like? He's proberly thinking the same thing as you and wondering weather it would be wise to contact you, he is proberly waiting for you as much as you are waiting for him.
what i suggest is that you send him a text asking what hes thinking and feelings and maybe that you should meet up in a crowded area...like in a town or something to discuss the problems and sort things out.
You have nothing to lose and im sure it would help matters :)
Lucinda x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): If he's done it before, who made the first move the other times? I have been on the receiving end of that sort of treatment and it seems like a way of making sure he stays in control of the relationship and of you. I think he will try to ensure that you make all the running. It's up to you whether you think he's worth it but you do need to resolve things for your own peace of mind. Can you "accidentally" meet him and see how he reacts? If you pick up the relationship again perhaps you could get him to go for relationship counselling. He should know that it's a nasty way to treat someone who loves you and if he persists I think you're better off without him.
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