A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'd like some advice on how to go about tackling a few issues in relation to my sex drive. My partner and I have been together 2 years and I do love him very much, there's a 10 year age gap (he's 36 and I'm 26). We are very similar people and get on very well, moving in together quite quickly, we have been in a very committed relationship from the start.My first issue that I think effects my sex drive is that I have a genetic illness that can lead to pain in my joints and general fatique. In the first few months of our relationship the sex was every couple of days and I loved it, I think the excitement of a new relationship meant I felt less pain but as time has gone on general life stresses have got me run down again. Further to this I have a low immune system and my partner has the HPV virus, he has never had any symptoms and didn't know he had it but as I can't fight off viruses I now have genital warts. I have had treatment for going on 2 years now on and off so obviously I don't feel great about myself and sometimes it isn't possible to have sex as the treatment can be a little invasive and it would be very painful. Whilst I know my partner won't get them as he hasn't ever had symptoms, it is something that keeps popping into my head during sex.Secondly my partner due to mental health issues has premature ejaculation, sometimes it can only last as long as he enters me and that would be it. However prior to this my partner will ensure we've had foreplay so it's longer for me and honestly I have no issues with this as we carry on for 5 minutes and I too will get there quite quickly. I do feel awful for him though as he must feel he's missing out and not fulfilling me. On average now we have sex once a month.Whilst those things I've mentioned above have been making it difficult to get myself in the mood, I don't know whether I'm not interested in sex because of medical issues or I no longer want sex with him due to emotional reasons. Now and again I have a dream about a man from my past, we never had full sex in real life (very close to though) but I don't know if I'll ever feel like I'm over him completely, like we have unfinished business because we didn't get to sleep together. The timing was never right and we didn't get together officially. I moved on and met my current partner and I didn't really think of him in a loving way for some time. He now has a new girlfriend and it bothers me, I haven't seen him for over a year, I'm not even sure I want to. I just miss the excitement and sexual attraction we shared for a long time and as I can't find this with my current partner I feel a bit lost.Sorry this is so long, I just need some advice on which part to tackle first and if anyone has any tips.
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ejaculation, foreplay, genital warts, in the mood, not interested in sex, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Daisy1911  +, writes (15 April 2016):
 I am first of all very sorry that you have pain with sex. That would be difficult I believe in a relationship. As for your question, I believe that it you contracting the symptoms of HPV, has created a possible unconscious resentment to your current partner. You stated that he has premature ejaculator, that stated seems to me to mean that you, your self are not satisfied. That doesn't mean that you can't be or that you couldn't be completely satisfied though. I believe, you thinking of the previous intimacy that you had or attraction with another man doesn't mean that you are not happy in your current relationship. This could be that you are questioning if you would've been with that person you wouldn't have pain with sexual intercourse or maybe it's just you romanticizing the idea of what could've been. You obviously know more about how you feel intimately than anyone else is going to. But is there anything that you could tell your current partner that would help you to achieve more satisfaction during intimacy? My favorite saying that helps me when I think of relationships is "if the grass is greener on the other side then water your lawn." That doesn't mean that you won't find other people intimately attractive or desire someone else in your mind.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 March 2016):
 Have you both considered maybe going to see a sex therapist? I know this can be scary and embarrassing but they could really help you both open up to each other about how you feel and try and get to the bottom of both of your issues.
I think from reading your post, even though you have had a lot to deal with in your intimate life, I feel that you still think you do want sex its just not with him any more. That can happen in a relationship, therefore it is important to work on it if you both want the relationship to work.
As for the feelings for the other guy, being jealous is common when you find out that someone you liked has a girlfriend, however it should not bother you if you where in a stable loving relationship. I don't think that this relationship will work unless you both work on it and get your problems solved. At least then if nothing changes you know that you tried to save the relationship.
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