A
female
age
41-50,
*ane7777777
writes:Hello! I have to make the biggest decision of my life and I need some advice! I love two very different guys that have different things to offer and I don’t know who to choose. With Guy # 1 I will be able to stay home with my future kids and be the wife and mother I’ve always dreamed of being. We will go on tons of road trips, vacations, I’ll never have to work again. I get to stay near all my family and friends that I’m really close to. I will basically have the perfect life except something just doesn’t feel right with him because I think I really really love guy #2. With him we will be pretty poor and ill have to get a crappy job making almost nothing. Worse I will have to live in Canada with him until he retires in six to nine years meaning I live in a different country then my friends and family which really makes me sad. So should I take “quality of life” into consideration when choosing who I should be with or only who I love the most?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): Anon. Female: because you are one of the very few people who experience ever lasting passion it doesn't mean it's a constant. MOSTpeople don't experience passion, and if you read some scientific research you will see how habituation effects the romance. You can feel as much sorry for people who went with clear head into marriage, but without crazy passion, but those marriages that survive the most, but those who went into marriage wit passion in mind get divorced so fast, and then already born children suffer consequences. That's why to choose someone obviously not capable of providing for his family but who is great in bed is not wise. Any woman's direct job is to protect her children, and she needs to choose wisely.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): "Quality of life" and "security" are nice clean politically correct terms for "money." Can you look the secure guy in the eyes and tell him you feel more passion for this other guy but you feel more secure with him?
IMO you need to do that if you are being honest and not using him. Knowing that he is your second choice emotionally but you like his income? That might make HIM not want to be with YOU!
I feel you are deceiving a person not to tell them that when you feel that way. Not telling the whole story about your feelings for someone because of their money = whoring.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): Marriage is about commitment not love?? What reason is there to do it then? What is the point or taking on a LIFELONG commitment to someone you don't love and who doesn't love you? Is it just selfish reasons then? So you can have someone to do things for you? Someone to split bills with?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): I feel sorry for people who believe marriages is not about passion but about merely getting through life with the company of someone else. People do get divorced after 30, 40 years of marriage. My husband and I have been married going on 30 years and the passion is just as strong now as the day we married. I truly feel sorry for people who resign themselves to a life without knowing true emotional connection. If all you want is help with raising kids, hire a nanny. If all you want is someone to earn money for you so you don't have to work a job, well unfortunately I don't have a solution to that other than winning the lottery or getting a big inheritance. I also believe that if you have no passion in your marriage, it is going to be a weak marriage. it may last a lifetime due to obligations and finances but I think it will be fragile with adultery likely to rear its head at some point. We as humans are designed to feel passion, sexual and emotional. If you and your spouse don't have passion for each other, one or both of you is likely at some point in your lifetime to meet someone else who does ignite it then the marriage relationship will be in trouble.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): Marriage is not about passion. Marriage is about living a life with a someone who will be with you to support and raise a family. Otherwise , if you want passion just keep on having different partners every 6 months. I disagree with chigirl. If she wants a carrier, that's fine, but not every woman wants a career, not every woman wants to work while raising children. And it doesn't matter in what century you are born, do what feels right for you. You are not obligated to live like majority of women live nowadays, working hard and letting other people to bring up their kids. The only mistake I see here you are making is dating 2 men at the same time. It's not a vet smart thing to do. This is not how you commit. You concentrate on one man, and let the rest of them go. As far as your choice. It's possible to love 2 men at the same time, but differently. If you are head over heals over one guy, it's possible to have a more quieter feeling for the other. Being your age you probably already understood that its not an easy life to live, and before you bring children into this life, it's smart to think about what kind of life you will have. Now being as old as I am I can advice you to marry a man1. Even if there is no incredible passion, but you like him enough, go for it. Based on my life I can tell you if you marry a second guy, your life will be hard and after a short lived passion is gone, you will regret about marrying him. I married very young, hardly turned 20. My husband is 6 years older but stil was very young. Then children came. We were poor, lived with my mother, and for years had no money at all. We struggled with everything: kids education, food, clothes. We never went out, or took vacation for years. Now almost 30 years later, when kids are grown, everyone have good jobs and we have our own business, we look back and can say we did something right, but it was a hard bumpy road. You won't have this struggle if you marry your first guy. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, mathewsjourney  +, writes (10 November 2013):
I am no relationship expert but somewhere in the back of my mind i think you should know who you would want to be with. I am not going to tell you to take one man over another. I can only say that you are fortunate indeed to have a choice. I am single and never had that opportunity in my life to choose between one woman or another. I know i could only love one woman and would of eliminated the other woman by now and be focused on her only. But then i am not you or you me. Let me put it to you this way. why do not let your heart speak to you and maybe let that guide you in your final decision.
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A
female
reader, It'sgoodtotalk  +, writes (9 November 2013):
My observations
Sounds like neither to me.
There will be a third one.
What do you feel you are bringing to the relationships or do you feel the man must provide for you?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 Choose the first one if you want an easy life. Most people would do that and may even think its "wise", wise of course being very subjective. You wont have to work for a living, you'll have the 1930s' life of bringing up the kids while the man goes to work and you stay at home and cook a hot meal. If that's what you want, then go for it, by all means.
Remember, the passion that you talk about will never last very long. When the rose coloured glasses come off and you have to work hard to make and save every penny, the romance will fly out of the window and you will resent everything about the second guy.
So to answer your question, go for guy number 1 because its a safe and easy bet.
Of course the obvious answer to this would be that you should ideally stop being so shallow and selfish but who cares about all that any more, right? Lets be realistic, you need a path with the least resistance and you have that in guy number 1.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 November 2013):
 Can you explain why you have to choose right now?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): I went for passion, that passion led me into an abusive relationship. I don't wish that on anyone.
Passion burns out, security tends to stay, that's why its secure.
My advice, go for security.
Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 November 2013):
 Wait, did I fall down a time-hole and land in 1836? Oh, must be so, because the woman is dependent on a man to make her way, and who she marries is the biggest decision in her life. Surely, it must be 1836. Or maybe even 1923. Let me see the outfits to figure out what year?
Oh wait.. it's 2013! What just happened? The woman is dependent on a man to make her way? She needs to be a stay at home mum, and that is considered the "perfect life"? In 2013? Or she can choose to marry for love, like in some Jane Austen novel, but be poor... Awww..
Seriously, woman, you need to widen your horizon. Neither of these men! Neither are for you! And you don't love them, you think you do, but you don't. If you just loved one of them the choice would be very easy, but when you don't love them it's difficult. Because either is just as bad for you.
There are more men out there in the world, and there is more to life than staying at home changing diapers. Widen your horizon. Get a career for heavens sake, women can work these days you know. You're not forced to some crap job, you're not forced to move to Canada, you're not dependent on some man to tell you where you can live!
You can stay close to your family and friends, and get a great job and work your way up in life, get all the money you need, and then add a man just for love and fun and for him to be a stay at home dad for your future kids... Sounds MUCH better!
Just open your eyes to see that these two guys are NOT your only options in life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 November 2013):
 I have to agree with NEITHER.
You don't love #1 for WHO he is but what he can give you. And #2... You will regret that down the line.
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A
female
reader, Opalescent +, writes (8 November 2013):
I think you should chose neither. You clearly "love" guy #1 for the materialistic assets he can provide for you. If you truly loved guy #2, moving and working wouldn't bother you as much as they seem to.
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