A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Long story short, girl I was seeing I found out was having sexy liaisons on the Internet with a couple of guys she knows. They didn't have sex or were intimate (I don't think, anyway) but exchanged a bunch of messages like "I miss you" or computer kisses and stuff. A couple sent messages to her that were sexy ("I really wanna make love to you") and her response was a :).Now, the thing is, the way I found this out was by snooping through her email. I knew her password to a shopping account and she used the same one for her personal email. I did it because I suspected something: I noticed she was touching her male friends in a kind of intimate way and talking to them on the phone and laughing, etc. After I did it, when I saw her, I blew up at her calling her untrustworthy. Of course, she came back with, "What the $#*! were you doing checking my email? YOU'RE the untrustworthy one!!!" We haven't talked in about 4 days since this happened, and I doubt our relationship is strong enough to survive this since we have not been dating that long.Of course, she has a point about me being untrustworhty. But to be honest, I don't feel too guilty. I feel like what she did was far worse than what I did.Now I know a lot of people are gonna bash me saying I did an unconscienable thing. But I just do not feel so bad. If I had not checked her email, our relationship would have grown deeper and probably I would have gotten hurt much more, and she would have continued to be dishonest with me.But I don't know for sure. What do you Aunts think? Who did the worse thing here, and who should apologize first if at all?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 I think you're on the right path with your update. As hard as it is, I think it is much better if you leave a relationship based on lack of trust or a suspicion. Because once that trust is gone, and you don't feel confident, no matter if you don't find anything you wont be feeling any better. If you go snooping and don't find anything you've only lowered yourself and done injustice to the relationship by dishonoring it. And you will still feel that she can't be trusted or you will feel suspicious, because whatever made you initially feel that way wont disappear.
And if you do snoop, and find something, what if it is something personal that has nothing to do with cheating or dishonesty from her side at all? But personal private matters that are none of your business?
The dangers involved are just too high. If you find something you will end the relationship. If you find something else she might end the relationship because you broke into her personal things. If you don't find anything the relationship might still end because you haven't addressed the problems in the relationship that caused you to feel suspicious, and instead you've started a habit of snooping. Which, once you've first started, can be hard to stop. You'll feel a constant need to "check up on" her, to make sure she continues to stay on the right path if she was innocent at first glance.
You see how all this just spirals down. Justified or unjustified, you're not doing yourself any favours by sinking low. If you can't trust her, end the relationship. You shouldn't be going looking for proof. Not just the moral aspect of it is wrong, but even if you think practically it doesn't take much effort to hide an affair. Only the stupid get caught. So not finding anything, but having a suspicion, leads you nowhere. It's a matter of choosing to either trust or not trust, and the options are as follows, to either stay or go.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (8 June 2011):
Unfortunately, it is not exactly clear from what you have written that her actions constitute any kind of untrustworthy or inappropriate behaviour, because they are out of context.
She may have flirted with with the guys she knows in that way before you were dating, we don't know the context of those messages, and you may not either. It is not clear how serious her responses are or her level of intent. A smiley face might mean, ok, lets have sex, or it might mean I would love to but you know I am seeing someone so I can't, thanks anyway. Additionally, because this communication takes place in a private space, it could be fantasy to her that she has no intention of acting on. That would not constitute inappropriate or untrustworthy behaviour necessarily, depending on the context. Even flirting online in your private space would not be considered cheating or inappropriate by some people, the same way that watching porn in private may or may not be considered inappropriate by different people. These would be things you would have to clear up by having a conversation. Her actions could be untrustworthy behaviour, but we are not in a position to judge. Also, touching male friends intimately and laughing with them on the phone is not a sign of cheating or untrustworthy behaviour, but you mentioning it may be a sign of you being insecure or sensitive towards her connection with other men, or simply an indication that the relationship is not as secure as you would like it to be.
What we can say is that your actions do constitute a breach of trust. It isn't clear if she has anything to apologise for, but you certainly do. If she has been acting inappropriately, that is something you can have a conversation about, at the very least, you can say to her how it feels not to trust her or that you feel let down, and go from there, but you won't really be able to do anything until you acknowledge what you did wrong. She may come forward to acknowledge that she has done something she shouldn't have if she has, but we aren't even sure that she has, and she won't come forward if she doesn't feel like she has anything to apologise for. She might even understand that you might be upset by something but still feel that she hasn't done anything to undermine your relationship, and that everything she has said in private was ok in that context. You may disagree, and have a conversation about it if you get to that point, but you won't get there unless you acknowledge what you have done.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everybody for taking the time to answer, and to give such thoughtful and different responses. I admit I feel momentary justification when I read some of the responses that said I was ok in what I did, because I prevented myself from getting further and further into a deceitful relationship. But I also am beginning to feel more and more guilt over what I did.When I felt angry about things she did and when I felt she was being insensitive, I tried to get back at her by checking the email. In the end, though, I sunk to her level. Now instead of getting out of the mud, I'm as dirty as she is. If I were to do it again, I would say, if I feel suspicion, and communication doesn't make it go away, I have to leave the relationship. This would be better instead of looking for proof.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Cheating trumps snooping. She is much further in the wrong than you are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): To my mind, it depends a lot on where you were at in the relationship. You said she's a "girl I was seeing". How long? Did you discuss whether or not it was an exclusive relationship? Did she tell you she was not seeing or talking to anyone else? It can be easy to assume that once you've had sex with someone a few times that it's an exclusive relationship, but the other person might not see it that way at all.But, how much difference does it make which is "worse"? This is subjective. Different people will have different answers based on the same set of facts. Let's say you conduct a scientific poll and discover that 57 per cent of the adults in Canada think that what she did is "worse". What does that get you other than some consolation to your ego that you're not a bad guy in the view of other people?To your mind, what she did was worse. Even if other people view it differently, they are not the ones who have to decide what to do about your situation. Without knowing more, it's hard to say what makes sense. My best guess is that she doesn't want a committed, exclusive relationship with you. If that's true, you won't be happy with her unless you're OK with both of you seeing other people. To my mind, you have to talk to her and figure out what she wants, and then decide if you're OK with it. If she actively misled you about your relationship, then she's obviously dishonest, and you might as well break up now. She might change, but the odds are against it and you're better off finding soemne who's a better prospect.But, that's just my opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Exact same thing happened to me.Dating a guy it was new. He was strangly close with this girl although thry were "best friends"It got to a point where they would text ALL the time. I got suspicious. I checked his msgs. The last one from him said "i hope i get to sleep with you one day". Don't think i really needed to see anymore.Cut a long story short, he blew up at me, saying i wasn't trustworthy for looking through his phone. I said i wouldn't have needed to, he hasbeen honest.1 year later. It's all good now. Although in the nicest possible way i forbid him from talking to her. I believe he was worse than me. But i don't believe it has to be the end if she learns from the mistake.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 June 2011):
Does it matter what's worse? NO. It doesn't matter. What would happen if she says that what she did was worse? You raise a flag in triumph? You throw a parade? The relationship is saved and can go back to normal because you won?
What happens if what you did wad worse? She throws a parade? Then you owe her a round in the bar or something and the relationship can carry on until next time you both screw up?
What you're saying is, it doesn't matter WHAT either of you did, all that matters is who made the worst error?
Get over it, you both failed. Doesn't matter who failed more.
If you're sticking to games of tit for tat, your relationship will never succeed. Because guess what, it doesn't matter who says sorry first either. If you did something bad, and you KNOW you did, then say sorry. If you don't have the ethics and moral to feel bad about what you did, then too bad for you. However, you are adult enough to know what you did was wrong. I won't bash on your girlfriend in this post, because she's not the one who came on here asking if what she did was bad. If she does, I'll tell her how I judge it. For now, I'm telling YOU how I judge it.
You justify a low act like snooping. No, snooping will not save you any heartache, or help your relationships in the future. You only turn yourself into a person with no morals and no respect for privacy. Who wants to be with someone like that? Be a good person yourself before you go knocking others down. Clean your own plate first.
Is this relationship worth the effort? I think you can pull through, if you love and care enough for each other. But it will require you do some drastic changes in the way you approach things, both in how you trust people, and how you deal with conflicts. Games of tit for tat won't get you anywhere, a good solid down to earth talk is all that will work. So knock off the attitude and desire to burn someone on a stake, and enter this conflict level headed and calm.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Not sure what to answer to this.
I had a similar situation with my ex. She became distant and cold, wouldn't open up to me and denied that anything was wrong. In the end I started checking her phone. I found out that she was still flirting with her last two exes and from what I could see may even have met up with one of them for sex.
We had a couple of big rows about it and she told me that she would cut off contact with these men, in return I promised not to snoop on her phone. Needless to say neither of us kept our word.
If there's no trust there isn't a relationship. I'm glad I found out before things went too far between us (we were due to move in together and had discussed having kids). To my mind if she's cheating and you suspect something is going on, your first step is to try to talk to her, if that fails you have to protect yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Without question your actions were to defend yourself against a liar and a potential humiliation.
She is 100% in the wrong and your actions are fine. If you have a suspicion and want to find out if she is cheating then you will do everything you can. What if you didnt check her emails and then bought a wedding ring to propose. Or what if you booked a suprise holiday. you could have invested in a cheat.
Good on you for checking and well done for finding out her true colours
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A
female
reader, ClearSorted  +, writes (7 June 2011):
Hey, If you want her back, go and apologize. Though the way you discovered was wrong. But it was the destined way you would discover the things. If I was in your place I would have left such a person for being a cheat. When you are there why she needs someone else? Let me tell you under the name of ethical hacking people open up entire information of others. If you ask yourself would I again open up her account if she was clean and answer would be no, You need not feel guilty. All the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): You know what? If you had snooped but she had been completely innocent, you should probably feel guilty. As it happens, she had quite a lot to hide, and she would have had good reasons to be furious, hadn't she been hiding things from you.
Snooping is not right,ok. Cheating is much much worse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011):
I don't know what you mean by worse, but I would not leave my girlfriend if she checked my e-mail without me knowing (in fact, I tend to leave it logged in) and I would certainly consider leaving her if I found what you found. As someone else pointed out, the law would have a different opinion.
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female
reader, alcraw  +, writes (7 June 2011):
Her cheating iz well worse
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A
male
reader, zedd  +, writes (7 June 2011):
I think she was the one who made a mistake. Well, not even one, cause she was doing this habitually.
If my gf checked my email account and confronted me because of such a thing, I would certainly be a bit angry, but I would at least try to explain these messages after that.
I think she behaved this way because she actually had something to hide from you and thought that with a counterattack (which would make you feel guilty) she could avoid a fight and have the last word. Which she had. So for the same reason, I don't think she would apologize for it.
I won't say that what you did was perfectly alright, but sometimes these act reveal serious problems, so in a Machiavellian way, you were right, too.
I also checked my ex gf's text messages once and found out that her ex bf is still sending him messages, trying to pursuade her to have sex and actually, to get back together. I then asked her to tell him to stop this. She was angry too and told me she has no intentions to do such a thing ever again, but guess what? After we broke up, they got back together again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Well yes you snooped because you were suspicious, thats understandable, but you two are not in a relationship, right? So really she can talk to as many guys as she likes and you as many girls as you like.
If the two of you are not in a committed relationship, then you can not really say what she did was bad. However it would be a very different story if you guys were in a committed relationship.
I think you need to talk to this girl honestly and tell her how hurt you were because maybe she does not realise because the two of you are just "seeing eachother". Which suggests its not serious, so really you are both still single?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 June 2011):
 you both cheated.
anything you can't won't or don't tell your partner is cheating.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 June 2011):
 People snoop because they don't trust. They don't trust because they don't communcate and they aren't being honest. With their partner and themselves.
She is mad because you invaded her privacy, but also becauseshe is now "caught" writing "happy faces" to a I want to have sex with you comments... I'm honestly not sure I would deem is cheating. Inaprropriate? Hell yes. No need for smexy talk to other guys.
Which is worse? Hard to say. It's illegal to "snoop" in other people's email, it's not illegal to cheat.
Morally, I think both things are equally wrong. But in the end, now you know what kind of girl she is, and she knows wat kind of guy you are. And the relationship is over. If you walk away having learned anything from this, that is a good thing.
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A
male
reader, jkirk +, writes (7 June 2011):
I won't bash you, if you didn't have a reason to check up on her you wouldn't have snooped. I had the exact same thing, that's how I found out my wife of 21 years was cheating on me. Of course I'm the Ahole because I snooped on her. Dump her because I guarantee there is more than just a few emails going on.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 June 2011):
 I am guilty of checking my now ex-hubs email, only to find out he was cheating on me.He used the same "reasoning" that I invaded his privacy. We both had access to each others email accounts, so there was no cracking the case here. There were OTHER behaviors that led me to suspicion that something was not right.Was it wrong if she did not specifically give you permission to access her account any time you wanted. Yep.Did you have a good reason for looking. Yep. You found out why you were suspicious.Sure, go ahead and apologize for your misdeed. You owe her that. Is it really important to put a value to who committed the bigger crime. You both were wrong and showed that your relationship is not one based on trust.People who have nothing to hide..hide nothing. If you trust someone, you arent going to snoop.She had something to hide.You had something to snoop.Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (7 June 2011):
For me, cheating is worse than snooping. But that's only because you found out about it. You could have snooped and found nothing wrong, and then you'd be in the wrong.
That's the tricky thing about snooping. When you decide to snoop and are doing it, you're doing something wrong. But it's only if afterwards you find something that is possibly worse than the snooping, that it might become justified. But you can never know that in advance. So pretty much, both are bad.
As for apologizing, you can apologize for snooping on her and not having trust, but make it clear that what she did was wrong too. Either way, even if you do apologize, from what you said, it sounds like the relationship will be over.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): I think what you did was wrong, as snooping always is. I also think anyone else would have done exactly the same thing. You suspected something. You were right.
How many wives/girlfriends have found out about their partners porn addiction/sexy liasons with online people in a similar fashion?
The internet has created a world of deceit, and the only way its uncovered is through more deceit. I say, break up with her, and the next time you suspect your future girlfriend of something, ask her straight out.
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