A
female
age
41-50,
*rancine81
writes:I made a big decision after fighting my head with my heart for some time. I chose to go with what my head was telling me after months of questioning what I should do. The actual day of my decision I had felt the strongest, that what I chose was the right choice. Now, that I made my irreversible decision, I'm having my doubts..regrets maybe, about if I made the right decision. typically, when chosing your head or your heart which is usually the right answer? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): Hi I am female anon who answered before. Thanks for your latest update. Coming down with a cold it not surprising and it is probably because you are stressed out from all these recent events and so a bit run down. Let everything work its way out of your system. 'What doesn't kill us makes us stronger' - I think there's certainly some truth in that. Brilliant that you have the counselling help - I have found that counsellors can be quite adept at getting you to tease out what's really upsetting you and what really matters to do. Give yourself the space and time you need to get over all this. You deserve much better than that guy, much much better. Be nice to yourself, pamper yourself. You will get through this, Men like that make me SO angry they don't have the emotional intelligence to understand that a woman has feelings. Take care and God bless xx
A
female
reader, francine81 +, writes (27 February 2008):
francine81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you soo much for sharing your story..it has been recent i suppose and my body is still going through changes plus at the moment im even coming down with a cold to top it all off..but i appreciate your response..i know what you are saying is right..i just have to give myself time..im going for counseling tomorrow..it was the therapist i was seeing when i was pregnant..i had insurance b/c i was pregnant..so ill see what she tells me tomorrow..i need help more than ever
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): Hello thanks for your update. I'm sorry to hear that you have been going through what sounds like a rough time. One of my daughters experienced similar and she also had a termination and does not regret it because she is now focusing on her qualifications and future. It sounds as though you used your head very well in a difficult situation. If your partner was behaving irresponsibly and you couldn't rely on him then nobody would expect you to go through with a pregnancy and to bear the responsibility on your own. It sounds as though you were thinking of the practical implications for yourself and how all this would affect a child if you were to have one. Your body has gone through a lot of hormonal changes so it is natural to feel emotional and upset and so on. Also, you had to contend with a pregnancy and the physical and emotional effects of that alongside him behaving badly. Sometimes people find counselling quite beneficial after a termination and it is usually routinely offered. There is no point looking back in regret. You made the decision based on what was happening at the time ie you had an unsupportive boyfriend. It is a big decision deciding whether to go ahead alone with a pregnancy. He sounds immature and unable to accept responsibility. You are probably going through a natural grieving process regarding the pregnancy AND the behaviour of this guy. You are vulnerable right now having had a difficult decision to make alone and then going through with it alone. u were with him because you liked him and there were probably some good times so it;'s natural to feel sad. Any loss can make us feel sad, even if we know it was the right thing to do. It actually sounds to me as though your heart and head were working together quite well here. Your heart may have wanted to not terminate the pregnancy but equally your heart may also have told you that it could all get very painful and your head endorsed what you felt because what you FELT was sensible. You sound as though your heart strings were being tugged and you felt quite torn?? Regarding your boyfriend, you are maybe feeling let down and disappointed and sad. This is all natural. You have suffered stress, loss and physical change. Don't give yourself a hard time over this. Give yourself space and a chance to recover properly. See if you could get some counselling..........it really can help for some people?? Try to pamper yourself a bit and do nice things and surround yourself by caring people. Look after YOU. This guy sounds irresponsible and you can do so much better and you will do. You made a rational decision. I myself had a termination in similar circumstances and I don't regret it - it was years ago and I hardly ever think of it. I didn't want to bring a baby into the world (I already had two daughters) with a feckless father and I knew I would have to struggle to bring that baby up alone. It is sad at the time but you have set yourself free from a lifetime of misery and struggling with a man who is unsupportive and now you are free to live your life. I feel for you as I know it can't be easy. Take good care of yourself. x
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A
female
reader, francine81 +, writes (26 February 2008):
francine81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your wonderful, thought out responses.
I feel that what i decided was right but now that time has settled in (a little over a week) Im getting mixed emotions about the what if's because my heart is becoming weak.
when i say this decision was irreversible..i meant that..I was unhappy in my relationship and pregnant. he was very absent and unsupportive..he even lives in a different state(we lived together for 2years)..we were supposed to get married but, he had plenty of opportunities to prove his love for me even being in different states so i cancelled the wedding before i booked anything.
this was the first clue that things werent going to work out because i realized i didnt want to marry him..he was inconsiderate and a liar! after i told him this, he got worse instead of better. he said"i dumped him" why should he kiss my butt?..( i was pregnant with his child)..i was in his state visiting friends, etc and i asked him to return my car..he did and he still owes me a lot of money but when he returned the car he didnt even try to see me!
the irreversible decision was that i had an abortion that week. i felt that for 4 months he hurt me time after time..some days i was stronger than others and i just had it. i was emotional from the pregnancy..he sometimes called me once a month..i began to hate him..and be mad that the baby was his! i know it wasnt the babys fault but i was so angry and upset and i didnt want to have to deal with him for the next 18years.
he doesnt know that i terminated the pregnancy..ive been going through some major changes in my body and my emotions..so why does my heart still care for him? i debated this decision for almost the whole 4months and then i finally made the decision and cried some more..so this is why i questioned if my decision was right to terminate the pregnancy. head vs heart
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 Everytime I use my heart I make the wrong decision as I get just too emotional. Write things down like the pros and cons etc and then follow your head. Unless you are in love and the person is in love with you the heart always gives you a false reading. Whenever I have been cold and logical things have worked out for the best.
Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): I believe that sometimes using one's head is far more better than using the heart.Reason being, well your heart posseses an amasing amount of sympathy disabling one to think rationally and sometimes thinking bails one out of the miserable experience of feeling. So don't feel bad about your decision rather focus on making sure that the same thing won't happen again!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): It really depends on the circumstances what sort of person you are, what drives you/what you want out of life/what your priorities are. I agree with the poster who said it is ideal for both head and heart to be in sync. You usually can't really apply logic to matters of the heart. I guess we should follow our heart, dreams, instincts, so long as we trust them and I guess if they are right, our heads will tell us that 'yes this is ok'. I think we have to use the head to prevent damaging ourselves but if we are using it to balance say, material considerations over love/emotional issues, then we can sometimes over-use it. It's too hard to say without knowing more detail but as a rule of thumb, both head and heart should be at least reasonably well engaged. Sometimes using your head IS following your heart, if you see what I mean and other times, using your head means you will not follow your heart. Also, if you are confused/mixed up about something, whether to use heart or head can end up being a moot point cos we're not thinking clearly. If you have a strong 'head based' feeling about something, which is at odds with what your heart is saying, it's as well to take at least some notice of it. It's a fascinating question with no black & white/right or wrong answer. Perhaps the head and the heart can compromise.
No-one gets it 100% right all the time but there are some situations which carry great big flashing red warning signs so I do think the head must be engaged in a lot of our life decisions. I'm sticking with my gut instinct theory (!) though and my gut instinct tells me that if the heart is making the right decision, the head will allow it and if my heart is suggesting something that is glaringly wrong the head will intervene, unless the head is muddled of course (i think it's called 'lead with the heart and if it is right the head will follow' or it might be the other way around!! i'm going to google it now cos you've got my brain juices going!!). If you talking about the head in terms of 'money v love' however, or that sort of scenario, that can be a whole different discussion cos it depends on all the factors involved.
God I've almost confused myself here. Hope this is not too unhelpful - just some food for thought. Your question interested me and I felt compelled to write and answer. Some decisions are reversible and sometimes only time will tell. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, scythe  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 Usually your head makes the smartest choices, which are not always pleasant. But when you choose with your heart it always hurts more, wether at the time or later on.
To love and loose or not love at all?
Sometimes there isn't a right answer. Optimally you should use your head and your heart but they rarely ever line up.
All the best for whatever is troubling you.
xox
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A
female
reader, bc2283 +, writes (26 February 2008):
I think if you are fighting, you need to take a step back and be objective. If you are expressing how you feel , use your heart
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 February 2008):
 I'd say the strongest feeling. Most decisions we'll think about what if we chose different. That doens't make the coice we made wrong, it's just our way of viewing their are different possabilities and different outcomes to each choice we make.
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