A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is so difficult. How important is compatibility in a relationship? We met online (not dating site). Neither of us were looking for a relationship at the time. We chatted, we clicked. He came to visit me. Being with him in person was the exact same feeling and chemistry and talking to him online and over the phone. We can talk about anything and everything; we have love, chemistry, and passion. We've put each other first and sacrificed for each other and our relationship. We've been together over a year now. He's thousands of miles away and three hours ahead of me. We visit once every 6-8 weeks... over a dozen visits already.Getting to know each other more and on a deeper level, we're realizing that we are not quite compatible. We grew up in different environments; our friends, interests, activities are quite different. He likes to party and hang out with friends until 2-3am. I go straight home after work, cook, eat, and relax. I do go out with my friends during the weekends but am always home by 10pm the latest. He likes to sleep in until 1-2pm in the afternoon. I wake up at 9am to start my day. This proved to be especially challenging when I was spending time with him in person. Amongst his family and friends, they all are in their late 20's, early 30's and still live at home with parents; his siblings drop off their babies at the parents house for them to babysit all day and even overnight while they go out to enjoy their lives. My world and my friends are different. We move out to our own place in our mid 20's. Those who have children take care of the children on their own. We spoke about this and I told him we need to care for ourselves, pay our own bills, do our own chores, and care for our own children. He doesn't think there's a problem with depending on family for help. We view certain boundaries differently.. he says I need to open up and I say he's too open.I wonder what plans and goals he has for his future and work.He's an awesome person and I love him dearly. I just wonder if these problems I see now, our differences... are they things that will go away in time or do I have to realize that we are just two different people who aren't compatible and never will be? Is it time to give up this relationship?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 March 2015):
 You and him will always have these differences. It is important to be compatible, more important than love I would say. But I honestly do not see your differences as incompatibilities.... Can you tell us why these things are a problem? What are your plans/hopes for the relationship? Are you moving closer soon?
People will always be different from one another, and the solution is to compromise. Incompatibility is about deeper differences in the personality (aggressive/calm, spontaneous/planner, high/low sex drive, hard working/lazy, wanting/not wanting children etc)Incompatibility is when you arent able to compromise.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): You can love a person, and be totally incompatible.
You can't share a life with a person; unless you have both love and compatibility to make the relationship binding. They aren't placed on the table to be compared. Both have to be flexible, fluid, and have the ability to expand or fluctuate. They both have to be in good supply to over-compensate when one fails. That's how it works.
Love works best; when compatibility is there to reinforce it. Love will only remain in a relationship; if you're compatible. If you're more compatible than loving; you're only friends with benefits.
It takes both to have balance, in order to set the foundation for a meaningful relationship. Imbalance is why there are so many divorces and five-minute relationships. It's not a question of which is more important. It is whether or not you want something that will grow, and get better. Therefore; they must come as a package.
People insist on "modernizing" something that has worked since the beginning of man. They think you can change how human beings form working and lasting relationships; by taking short-cuts. By trying to cut-corners for immediate gratification. If only life could be so uncomplicated; if only human nature was that simplistic. You can be compatible with your next-door neighbor, and have no love whatsoever.
So many people judge having things in-common as enough foundation to call it a relationship. They are quick to call it "love" without having a clue what that entails.
It's fun being with people who like what we like. It's hard to like them when they disagree. Then you want to believe they don't love you, on the basis you don't see eye to eye.
People confuse having a "good-time" together; with forming a serious romantic-commitment. Commitment requires a lot from a couple. It demands us to love, trust, be faithful, and support each other through thick and thin. True
commitment demands far more than getting along great together,i.e. being compatible. It is not even remotely the same. It's apples and oranges. One requires you to stick around, even when the fun runs out. When "getting-along" is more difficult.
I don't care how you cut it, you can't maintain a thriving relationship without all the proper elements. That being: love, trust, communication, compatibility, patience, and compromise. You have to have all of the above. Subtract any of them, and you're fast-tracking yourself to a breakup or divorce. You can substitute the ingredients, and you'll have something fake. A contrived-relationship built of artificial components, that fall apart; because there is no easy way to do it.
Dating only requires you to have a good-time together. Taking it to the next level requires more.
You want a good relationship? It has to be built on something to nurture it. It will never be perfect, it will be full of challenges, it may not last forever; but the quality of it depends on the materials it's made of.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): You can absolutely have both ;-)
And you need both.
I agree with the other aunt who said go with the flow until you aren't happy any more. Just don't leave your life to go and settle with him because it won't work from the sounds of it.
My best advice is one of you should take a long vacation to visit the other.Say 2 or 3 months and see if you can hack that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2015):
 I agree on compatibility + attraction.
I think when you have passion and chemistry it pretty good when it'd good and pretty bad when it goes bad. It's like an old care where when ONE thing goes wrong others will follow in rapid succession.
Does hat mean you have to DECIDE right now? No. You two can go with a flow a while as long as you are both happy with how it goes.
I just wouldn't pack up my tent, leave family and friends behind, and move to his end of the world.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 March 2015):
 Ulrimately , compatibility.
Not that just compatibility without ANY chemistry is any good- it makes perhaps beautiful friendships , but not a love relationship.
But the opposite, cemistry and passion without compatibility, make for a doomed relationship that generally goes bust after a long, painful agony.
Also because passion, chemistry, etc. provide you with rose tinted glasses that make you see as delightful quirks and instriguing, stimulating differences... things which simply you won't be able to stand once the first heat is over and passion has a bit faded away ( as it is normal to happen after , scientist say, 18 to 36 months ).
Like, suppose you are a very active, adrenalinic , always on the go type and your SO is the untimate couch potato who's happiest chilling at home with a beer at his elbow and his feet up.
NOW you'd see him like your sweeT, tender, cuddly sleepyhead- but let a few years together go by, and most probabaly you'd wonder why this big fat useless log of a man is always there. crowding your living room.
In your case, the subtext in your post is : I am in love with a charming fascinating Peter Pan. But, something tells me pretty soon you'd get sick and tired to play his Wendy....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice, Janniepeg!
We have talked about his goals and career many times. He's currently in a situation where he needs a very flexible work schedule so I understand that the part time job he has now is only temporary. Based on our conversations, he is more of a entrepreneur type. He'll probably own an online or store front sales business. That's the vibe I get from talking to him. Unlike me, he will not enjoy sitting in the office in front of a computer 8 hours per day. I understand and don't have a problem with that.
Maybe because we are from different parts of the USA (East & West Coast). But seems the majority of his friends, who are in their late 20's early 30's are still trying to find their goals and careers. Whereas my friends all have stable careers and goals. Jobs here are mainly office work vs there it's restaurant, drivers, retail, etc Maybe the culture's just different.
We talked about moving together, marriage, kids... seems the more we talk about them the more our views are different. I understand that even couples who agree 100% on things pre-marriage and kids will have change of minds and differences post-marriage and kids. So how much of it really matters that we agree 100% on things now?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 March 2015):
 In your case compatibility. You've been with him over a year and you have yet to ask him what his goals are? I see you are a fork road and you are deciding whether to move in together or part ways. At your age I think it's a safer bet to end it and find a guy local who has a more balanced lifestyle. You don't want to try it out with him, spend a few years with him and risk not working out then waste your chances to have a family. When you are thinking of marriage always find a guy slightly older and has outgrown partying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): Those are pretty huge differences that are going to catch up to you and really affect your relationship. Especially since you both have these clashing mentalities ingrained in you.
I know firsthand because I dated a guy, we were both in our 30's, and he lived at his mom's house and had no sense of responsibility or independence. He too would sleep till the afternoon, party all weekend with his buddies till the wee hours of the morning. All the while living under his mom's roof. A grown man doing this... He had no sense of urgency to get his own life up and going as an independent person. Meanwhile I worked, paid my own bills, had my own place. Seeing how he lived and the lifestyle he accepted seemed infantile to me and was a major turn off. It created a lot of problems between us. I grew to dislike him, I barely even respected him.
I always felt like I had to explain to him that his lifestyle was totally inappropriate at his age. As a girlfriend that was not my job as it is not your's.
You are better off finding a guy who is mature enough, responsible enough and respects himself enough to be independent. The way you are.
I can say with certainty that you are indeed better off without this guy. You can do much better.
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