| A
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I am in desperate need of some advice here, I'll try and keep it short, thank you in advance.For the past 18 months, I have been dealing with a problem that I thought I had solved. I started off university with a girl I'll call H who became a good friend of mine quite quickly. But pretty soon into the friendship I realised she was becoming scarily clingy, I'm talking verging on stalking here, so I backed off. She would split me from everyone else in the class, sulk when I spoke to anyone else and she would literally run from one side of the room to the other to ensure she could sit between me and whoever else was going to be with me.So, I spoke to the university and they said to chat with her in a nice kind manner and explain that she needed to back off, so I did. Thing is, things got worse from that moment on. I couldn't talk to my other friends without her sulking, forcing tears and storming out of classes, but I refused to back down and I kept going with my other friends. And again things got worse, she would go back to her flat and bitch about me and one other of my friends to her flatmates and make them believe we were bullying her. Now I am a victim of bullying and I would never do it to someone else, but I still questioned myself anyway until my lecturers told me that my actions and behaviour were suitable and justified and that I wasn't bullying her. But with all this going on, I would still wait for her each morning with my other friends and walk to university with her (not aware that she was lying to her flatmates about me).In January, I receive a very nasty message via the internet from one of her flatmates basically threatened me, so I visited the police and he was given a caution and temporarily kicked out of university. All went quiet for a while, I no longer go near her, I don't talk about her, and all was good. But now the lies have started again, she is telling other members of our shared class that I have been bullying her and that I'm doing horrible things and sending her nasty messages. I haven't contacted her in months and don't intend to because I have been advised not to, but this is how it all started last time. I believe that the university will do nothing to stop this or separate us and the police won't do anything either. Any advice about how to deal with her behaviour, ignoring it was good for so long but now it is getting out of hand again. So far no one has said anything to me, they simply ignore me and literally turn their faces away like children when they see me. But it's only a matter of time before she poisons them completely like she did last time and it all blows up in my face. Please help! Any advice would be amazing.
View related questions:
flatmate, stalking, the internet, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 March 2015):
 Anon, I think you may be excessively internalizing this question. Nothing said about the mental health issues of the target has anything to do with your sister.
I for one won't politically correct myself in regards to a woman who is stalking the OP. I didn't call her evil. I called her crazy. I am no psychologist, so I don't waste my time trying to remote control diagnose, which in my opinion would be more of a disservice than calling her behavior crazy. People know when something is off. Something is off here. My advice was how to help the OP deal with this very disturbing behavior, not determine how abused or distressed this other person is.
I have been stalked before in my life. It is a terrifying thing. You feel helpless as an obsessive individual strips you of your feelings of safety and security for their own gain.
There is a time for removing the stigma from mental health conditions, and maybe you could write an article on here regarding your sister and your opinion on the subject, which is definitely a valid and valued opinion and I'd love to read it.
But in this case, what I see is an OP in distress. I don't have issues toward mentally disturbed people, and they aren't evil. But crazy is a valid adjective in this case based on the described behavior.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): Okay, I have been reading these posts and I just want to say that I find the references to mental health issues very objectionable.
I understand that the OP has been very troubled by this person and that her behaviour is not acceptable. Nevertheless, I think the kind of 'euphemisms' used here do nothing to increase awareness of, or understanding of the difficulties faced by people suffering mental health problems.
My sister became mentally ill - and highly anti-social - after being psychologically and physically abused by my Dad. Many people suffering mental illness have faced previous abuse. Granted, some may be deemed 'evil' by society, but describing them in sarcastic or euphemistically negatively loaded terms is just not fair. I understand that it sometimes helps to 'lighten' a problem by referencing the person involved in what seem like humorous terms, but it really does contribute to a wilful ignorance of mental health issues and prevents people from overcoming a dismissive attitude.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): I don't think I misunderstood you, you're misunderstanding me.
I'm suggesting that you ignore the [lies] she's telling; because you have no control over what people chose to say about you. She can openly state her opinions of you, and she can say things you don't like. You are hoping that she be censored by the school or arrested, or expelled for harassing you. I'm trying to get you to understand that you haven't succeeded with getting any action; because she hasn't broken any law. She has only succeeded at annoying you. You've let her get to you. The school has investigated and found no real issue to pursue. Two freshmen having a rift. That's really all it is.
I'm not an idiot. I'm not suggesting you ignore someone who is standing within feet of you like they're invisible.
This kind of behavior is not new to the University, my dear.
People have been doing what this unhealthy young lady is doing to you for centuries. The problem is, you say you are not bothered by what she lies about, but you are. What you call bullying isn't bullying. She spreads lies about you and you don't like it. She mocks and pretends you're the trouble-maker. Unless you're in pre-school; I think other university students are intelligent enough to figure-out she's making things up, and she's a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
You did say she comes to sit by you to keep others away. You did say you've walked to school with her. Even after you were aware of her lying. People don't believe everything some disturbed person says about someone she obviously has a personal issue with. You want to shut her up for good. That just isn't going to happen; unless you have solid evidence that this girl was doing you any real harm. If the school felt she was a true threat to you, the university would protect their reputation and your safety by doing something about it. That's why I've said in my first post, that it's your problem to deal with.
How? Here's how.
Stop being concerned about her false-accusations of bullying; because if you have no evidence on her, she has none on you.
People believe what they want to. If you're sensitive to her lying and can't deal with it, your option is to find another school.
The institution you're attending obviously isn't run like a high school. They feel adults should be able to deal with their petty issues. They will step in when you show evidence of a real threat to your safety; or the safety of others. The police will be right on it. Like they were with the young man. Still, she herself didn't get into any trouble.
You can "avoid" anyone you want simply by not even acknowledging their presence. She invades your space, get up and move. I think the professor has control over the classroom. Not that young lady. You'd both be asked to leave; if it was as out of control as you imply, one would think.
She knows you can't deal with her talking about you. So the bullying, as you call it, continues. She knows how to push your buttons. When you decide not to offer any emotional reaction to her actions; she will stop. The harassment escalated not because you stood up to her, but because she got an emotional-reaction. She knows she's getting to you.
If she is as outrageous as you're claiming her to be, it's just a matter of time before she goes after someone else. Then it will be known to all that she is a menace.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 March 2015):
Honeypie is right. You need to get ahead of this so you con concentrate on your grades, because high school is over.
Talk to your dean, guidance counselor, professors, and explain the situation. If this other person gets intrusive, get a restraining order.
If she confronts you, it's not the time to ignore. Tell her very directly and loudly in front of everyone that you do not want to talk to her, associate with her, and that she leave you alone.
Now remove all guilt from yourself. Don't worry about what she thinks or how she reacts. Close your eyes and center yourself upon the reason why you're in college in the first place. Put yourself mentally beyond college and the dreams you have with your life.
She is not a bully. She is crazy. If you can see what a nut she is, no doubt that everyone else will do, either right away or eventually like you did. Do not get distracted by wondering what other people think of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 March 2015):
 If the Uni can't help you I'm not really sure where else you can get help.
I think she has some serious mental issues. I think that is what you SAW in her once you became her friend. OTHERS will see this too. I think she can easily MAKE friends, but she can't KEEP them.
You could look into changing Uni - yeah I know it sounds like a lot of hassle but personally, I wouldn't want to let some creepy cow ruin my Uni days because she is a nutter.
I would finish the year though, unless it's not possible.
That fact that you had to involve the Police should make the school stand up and take note. My guess is they see it as a bunch of immature girls not knowing how to socialize and I don't think THEY want to get involved.
Do you have any teachers/professors you feel you can talk to? IF so, I'd talk to them. Tell them EVERYthing that has been going on.
The thing with Uni is people are NOT grown up. Most of the students are out of their "normal" habitat. Some revert back to a more "childish" state, such as your "frenemy" - my guess is SHE was bullied in past, and when she finally made a friend (you) and then subsequently you saw her for who she is, not quite healthy mentally - and you walked away from the friendship. So her past experiences of being bullies or "not included" rose to the surface and she decided to punish you in whatever ways she could, most passive-aggressive ways and by manipulating others to DO her dirty work.
You can keep ignoring her and if anyone steps up to you and tell you off for being "mean", STAND up for yourself.
Sorry I don't know what else to say.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer WiseOwlE, I think a few things I said didn't come across clearly in my previous message.
I don't walk with her anywhere anymore, I don't speak to her and I don't sit anywhere near her - the problem seems to occur when I do nothing, that's my point here. The less I do, the worse she gets because she can say things about me to people and I am doing nothing to change what people think of me. I am fighting a losing battle because I have friends so immediately people believe we are 'ganging up on her' because she plays the part of innocent and shy very well.
I have stood up to her on countless occasions, I am not scared of her, she is nothing to me but I want this to end. The frustrating thing about all of this is that she's clever enough not to write anything, she says it all but will never say it to my face and denies everything I previously attempted to deal with before finally bursting into tears and admitting everything to me when no one was there to hear her.
Her lies are good, the people she has chosen to turn against me are people as childish as her, I don't care what people think about me, only that this doesn't turn into death threats like it did before.
All I am asking for is a little guidance as to how to deal with clever lies that get worse no matter what I do, clever lies that are well hidden.
It may sound childish to you WiseOwlE, it may sound like I am playing the victim, but all I want to do is get away from the childish mind games of people too immature to be at university. You may feel that I am not mature enough and that is your opinion, but having dealt with bullies like this before and having been forced to deal with far worse, I don't take well to someone trying to do it again and simply ask for advice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): Stop playing a victim to her lying. People who know and respect you know that she's lying. Only those who may not like you anyway are choosing sides. Sometimes people on the sidelines goat things on; or instigate trouble, just to be spectators and watch what trouble follows. They enjoy watching you squirm.
You are offering her narcissistic-supply. She uses passive-aggressive tactics to get to you. She uses social media; because cyber-bullying is the popular choice of today, and most people have little immunity to it.
Stop running from her and showing her your fear. You should firmly ask her to leave you alone; then walk away. If she sits by you, get-up and find another seat. Say nothing. If you are worried about crap she's posting about you, that's your problem. If she doesn't identify you by name, or make a direct reference to you that you can prove that she is defaming you; you're overreacting, and there is nothing anyone else can do about it. What makes you think everyone cares about what she says about you? Isn't that just to bit conceited?
Like any other victim of bullying; there comes a time you stand-up to the bully, and take away their power over you. Unless she does you physical-harm or makes true threats, you are just being over-sensitive and timid. That's why the university and the police can't do anything. She's smart enough to keep it purely psychological; and hasn't really crossed any legal lines. However; keep your phone handy to record what she says to you, if cornered alone. Keep printed record of threats made on social media. If no one has done anything up to now, it's only because it's your word against hers; or she hasn't really broken the law.
Stop worrying about the lies. Ignore her and what she says, and you'll take a lot of wind out of her sails. For goodness sake, don't walk to class with her!!! That's encouraging her to mess with you. Have a backbone and stand strong. She's just a female like you are. You know she has issues, and so does everyone else. When she realizes she can cause you no more annoyance, she'll give-up. Ignoring her will be your most powerful weapon.
...............................
|
