A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My very first real relationship, as the previous one was mostly long distance...Its been over one year of me and my boyfriend being together, yet I still feel like I dont know him. We find ourselves in similar fights, but dont seem to really learn from previous fights. We struggle with communication mostly from his end, it fails because he doesnt open up. It concerns me how he frequently drinks and manages to communicate only when he has alcohol in his system. Also he tends to forget things especially what we talked about (especially discussing about fights and coming to terms and agreement), and some days I wonder if these are suppressed thoughts just so he can get away with things and keep doing the same, or maybe he really does have bad memory because of his drinking habits. I would want him to stop because of health reasons, but he is so stubborn and dont want to be told what to do.I love this man dearly, but the roller coaster of emotions in this relationship is draining me. I try my best to understand him, but I dont see him doing the same. I understand we both are different individuals with different attitudes and needs, and I am by no means perfect. I just dont feel like he puts as much effort as I do to make the relationship work. He's a loving, caring guy, takes care of me and even goes great lengths to make sure my needs are met (laundry scrubs, cooks even when he hates cooking to name a few), but when conflicts arises they are difficult to resolve because of his refusal to talk and apologize despite him knowing he has hurt me with his actions. Resolution of fights always entails me doing the first move. I even find myself swallowing my pride, something I have not seen him do. In a few months, he will be moving and an impending long distance relationship will happen. We have no definite plans because he needs to get a new job as part of his transition from military to civilian, just wherever he gets a job then I will move to be with him. We both have our fears, I fear it wont work because long distance requires extra work especially with communication; he fears that an ex will show up and want me back, or that I will go on befriend and start a relationship with other men, and I somehow fear the same towards him because he is an admittedly natural flirt. Despite it all, I would really want this relationship to work because I love him and have grown so used to him just everything about him, but I am reaching the point where I feel tired because of the fights.I am drained just trying to understand him, and learning how to deal with him. I sometimes feel, he doesnt really want to change. I understand I cannot make him change, but how will I make him see his refusal to do so is affecting our relationship? Whats the measure of a good relationship? How will i know if its with fighting for and worth staying? How does a man treat the woman he loves? Is it me? Am I asking too much, do I just fail to look at myself too and clearly see what needs to be changed about me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2015):
 What needs to be changed in you is your willingness to stay in a relationship with a man who can only communicate when he has alcohol in his system, ( ! ) does not want to change or even meet you half way, keeps you on a draining, exhausting roller coaster of emotions , has the nerve of being jealous when HE's the one who flirts all the time, and responds to your needs only for what concerns scrubbed floors. Hire a cleaning lady if floors are a big deal, learn to be more selective and stop fighting for something that's NOT worth it.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 March 2015):
 The monitor wrote this: "How do I know if its worth fighting for?"
From what your wrote, I would opine that it's NOT (worth fighting for)......
Get a better girlfriend....
Good luck...
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