A
female
age
41-50,
*isa1ohio
writes:I just need advice. I am so confused. I have fallen DEEPLY for a man. We are friends, but we are both married. YES I know it's wrong to get involved with a married man and I would NEVER cheat on my husband. I have been thinking of leaving my husband for years, but because of the fear of the unknown have yet to do so. He also would like to leave his wife, but has she would not be able to support herself alone. I need to know if we are just so messed up in our own relationships that is why we have become so close or are we really meant to be. Like I said we would both END OUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIPS before pursuing anything so that we can keep our trust intact. But at times he seems to want so much more and at times I can't get him to open up at all. Neither of us have ever admitted to our feelings. He opens up to me about his marriage troubles and I tell him mine. Unlike with our spouses (whom we both married before we really knew them -- young love) we share the fundamentals. Not just which movies/ music we like. We have the same religious beliefs, the same financial goals/ beliefs and can talk for hours about anything and everything. Then just when it seems like we are getting close to admitting our feelings he pulls away and we doesn't really talk or see each other. Yet when I look into his eyes they speak 1000 words. I know I need to get my crap together and get out of my relationship first, but I really want to know where I stand with this guy. I have know his wife for years and known him for years as well, but we have only gotten close in the past 18 months. What are the signs he's just wanting someone to vent to and what are the signs that there is some deep down connection? It's not lust, I have no sexual desires towards him whatsoever, I just look forward to the next time I can talk to him. If you have any other questions just ask.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 None of us can really tell you whether you are meant to be with this man or not. We can't tell the future. I think, however, that we can give you some opinions, so you can analyze your own situation and make a decision that's good for yourself.
You say that you would have left your husband years ago were it not for the fear of the unknown. In my opinion, this pretty much means that the marriage is already over. It's been over for years. You're just two people who still live together. I wonder how you and your husband manage to do it.
I don't think you should divorce your husband because someone else is there. I believe you should divorce if that is the least imperfect solution to family problems. If you want to divorce, you should do it for yourself, because that's the right thing to do, for you, for your husband, or both.
You don't mention any children. Maybe you don't have any. If so, I think you would do the right thing in divorcing. You don't love your husband anymore, and so both you and him should have an option to rebuild your lives.
This part of your life shouldn't depend on whether someone else loves you or not, or would leave his wife or not. This has to do with you and your husband.
If you get that settled, then you can start to think about the other guy.
I can't tell the future, but it seems like he doesn't really want to divorce his wife. When someone is sure of divorcing, he or she does it no matter what.
I do notice that you mention that you don't feel any sexual desire for the second guy. That's quite interesting. It suggests that you want him as a friend only.
I would recommend you to decide on your marriage first, and only then worry about whether this guy will leave his wife or not. If he doesn't and you divorce, you will be in the right position to live the real life you need to live.
Take care.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Hi,
you really are in a jam here arent you?
You should be commended for not having sex with each other, but by the same token you are engaging in an emotional relationship . Which is making the possibility of finding something to save your own marriage harder.
The first thing to accept is that this man will never leave his wife for you. Once you accept this then you can try and sort your life out.
One, is your marriage repairable? If not then by all means tell your husband you want to seperate. But do this without the baggage of having your heart in someone else's affections. The only way you can rebuild your life is to start afresh on your own.
Forget about this man, all he will do is further complicate your life, and while you may be soul mates he will never leave his wife and therefore nothing but sadness awaits a match up with him.
Start afresh on your own. Good luck.
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