A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 27, and thank you for your help at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-become-better-at-dating.html.I will try some of your suggestions and thank you for them.The walking (or hiking as you referred to it) is good socially, but poor from a dating point of view since most of the people on it are in their late 50's and have children/grandchildren; good walks, nice company and friends, but from the relationship POV it's poor.Now, though, I'm moving on to another issue within dating spectrum; where to meet particular types of women (in person, that is).The types of women I am attracted to fall into these categories:1) Older women (I find it easier for me to relate to older people, even though I wasn't born in the eras they were, my "special" interest in history has made it easier. However, finding where to meet them is harder). 2) Geekish women who are into my interests - cars/computers (short of taking up a course again, finding an activity is hard as I'm not into Comic-Con / comics etc. - about the only magazines I read are automotive, news or showbiz ones). Geekish, I suppose would refer to women who look sort of like, Kirsten Vangsness (not talking about her size, but her facial features), Elisabeth Harnois or Mayam Bialik etc. - not major celebrities but not widely commented on about their looks, more their personality.3) "Plain Jane". Yes, I know that's an insult but there are some women who have lovely personalities despite other people not considering them conventionally attractive. (I do not really agree with the term per se, but it's become a generic insult, I'm surprised no-one uses Plain John for a man)?In terms of race/ethnicity:British, obviously since I live in the UK but I do work with people of various ethnic backgrounds.1) Tan-skinned/British Afro-Caribbean/British-Indian women who would date white men (aside from cafes/restaurants, where would I meet such women? I can't eat out all the time, it's expensive, and I'm vegetarian anyway. I did try once back in April 2005, but the woman I liked was moving down to the Midlands, so it didn't work out.). How to avoid upsetting their parents of white man/black or Indian woman (even though they are legal adults) is one issue. They are legal adults, but cultural issues still prevail, and racism towards whites is still existent in our society, sadly.2) Central European women (I have worked with a few temporary workers from Central Europe in my job, they speak good English but I have tried to learn basic Polish for those whose English is basic/limited [even though I am weak with languages, I try to learn the basics, just about got through Spanish at GCSE]. I did make one friend (an older woman in her 40's)who was from Central Europe in a chance meeting (at a railway line of all places) and emailed her, but that's only sporadic.3) American / Canadians (I did once in 2008 meet a 25-year-old girl whose family were from Midwest America originally, but she was only a tourist on holiday here, and lived down south in England anyway - she was a UK citizen as such, so no chance sadly!)Keeping in touch with them would not be hard, since I can set up a webmail/Gmail account - it's far preferable to Facebook/Twitter and a bit more control over what comes in.I am not very good with flirting skills or recognizing when people are flirting with me because I have Asperger's Syndrome, so I need to work on that area.If I see a girl who recognizes me and she's attractive-looking, I get embarrassed which makes me feel a bit ashamed. I tend to speak less.However, my main motivation for having a relationship is the relationship itself, not sex; people say about saying No in sexual relationships, however, I'm used to people saying no to me for dating, and as for sex (which is unlikely at this stage) I would expect no.Thank you for all your advice previously, and I would appreciate any further advice.Apologies for the length of this - hope I've got it all down.
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female
reader, queenadelaide +, writes (16 August 2013):
For meeting people have you tried; http://www.meetup.com/It's a fantastic way of meeting new people who share similar interests.Also, look for Ted talks around you / conferences. You're likely to find people who share your interests if you're both attending a talk on the subject!With Aspergers you will have to be direct with women so that they know you like them even if you're not necessarily responding to their flirting because you're not aware of it. If it helps, drop it in conversation jokingly that you have aspergers and would miss flirty behaviour if it was right in front of you. This way, she will know why you seem oblivious to her flirtation. But at the same time, you won't be making a big deal and starting a deep conversation about the topic.'Tan-skinned/British Afro-Caribbean/British-Indian women who would date white men (aside from cafes/restaurants, where would I meet such women?' - In queues (we brits love queuing - strike up a conversation and off you go. - On public transport - networking - your friends are bound to have single friends. Always go to a party if you're invited. - your colleagues from work have friends. Casually mention that you are single and ready to mingle if they know anyone - google variations of 'activities for single women' and go to the ones that interest you. You'll probably have a disproportionately larger number of women to men so it'll work in your favour.'How to avoid upsetting their parents of white man/black or Indian woman (even though they are legal adults) is one issue. They are legal adults, but cultural issues still prevail, and racism towards whites is still existent in our society, sadly.'You're putting the horse before the cart a little bit here. You can't assume that the parent of a potential partner that you have not met yet will be racist against you. Isn't it stereotyping to think like this in the first place? It is also self defeating because you will discourage yourself from pursuing opportunities because of obstacles that might or might not arise. Take it one step at a time. Focus on finding someone first. The rest is out of your control.If you tend to speak less then when you invite her out to dates, focus on dates that require less speaking. But make sure your actions speak a lot. The little things will show her that you care.If someone shows interest, I'd suggest you are honest that you don't really want the sexual aspect of the relationship. a generic 'asexual dating' google search comes up with several leads you can follow up on.Good luck :-)
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 August 2013):
 I swear, your submittal "sounds" like you are a horse breeder who is trying to find just the right mare to carry the foal of your star stallion.....
.... or a wheat farmer who is ruminating about using one of Monsanto's genetically-engineered wheat seeds to get a bumper crop of winter wheat, to be harvested next spring....
I can't believe that looking for a woman-friend/gal-pal can be even partially as scientific as you've outlined... AND, I don't think that Mother Nature ever expected us to approach love/relationship(s) in such a manner....
RELAX!!!!! Stop studying this as if it was a chemistry lab and let nature take a far-less-exacting trail....
Good luck....
P.S. I like to find girls who have extremely large bank balances.... and very little in the way of morals. Have you tried that?????
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 August 2013):
 People in their late 50's have children your age. Get invited home and you're guaranteed to meet some. Some women also love to play matchmaker for their kids, even though their kids hate it. So keep an open mind, I would if I were in your shoes. Every woman around your age is a potential date, remember.
You find different types of women at all places. What I'm more curious about is how you know what "type" you like when you're not an experienced dater.
"aside from cafes/restaurants, where would I meet such women? I can't eat out all the time" Picking people up while they are at work is generally a BAD idea. They're busy, and don't like to be disturbed, plus every line in the book has been used before and it tends to just get awkward and uncomfortable for them. Avoid it!
Btw, these "types" you are attracted to are so general you might as well say you like all kinds of women. Central European, African-Carribean and Asian? You basically like over half the female population on the planet. Good. You're not picky. But these women are found all around the globe in every corner of every place. Add in the fact that you like "Plain Janes", which just means your average woman, and I'd say your chances are sky high of finding someone you're attracted to.
With such a broad scope you're better off just avoiding the types you don't like, rather than try to "hunt down" the ones you do like. Because the ones you like are literally everywhere.
"I am not very good with flirting skills or recognizing when people are flirting with me because I have Asperger's Syndrome, so I need to work on that area."
This is your challenge. Forget about other challenges, they don't exist. Finding your type of women is a breeze, what you must work out is the flirting part and learning how to read other people. I know someone with Aspergers will find this extra challenging, but depending on how your Aspergers is it won't necessarily have to be a major challenge. People who don't have Aspergers also sometimes struggle learning the signs, so I wouldn't say it's something you know naturally. It is definitely something learned, something to be studies, something you can recognize the pattern of.
I also recommend that you be direct, seeing as you have Aspergers. It wont help if you recognize a woman flirting with you unless you know how to approach her. In most cases anyway, you can charm a woman even if she didn't flirt with you to begin with. And the ONLY way to learn this is to do it. Practice practice practice. Yes, you will be turned down a lot. But then you'll also have someone accept your offer, which is the entire point.
I'm socially awkward too. My best advice is to just be honest about liking someone and go after them. If they say no, so what? There are other women you can ask. Don't get emotionally invested in someone until you're getting serious. Everything up until an official relationship should be light and fun, and not something you raise your hopes on or throw your heart into. The point of dating is to get to know someone, and in more cases than not you will find that they aren't the right ones for you. So you need to let some down, and you need to be prepared to be let down too. Do not take offense. Just head out to the next person in line.
When I'm single and looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend I see everyone as a potential partner. Everyone. I try to be as charming as I can to everyone I meet, I flirt with everyone, and I try to meet as many new people as possible. That brings me a lot of dates, and most dates I am the one who asks a person out.
Ask them to have coffee with you, something light and casual that doesn't have to take more than 30 minutes. People rarely say no to that. Better yet, ask if you can buy them coffee. People rarely say no to free coffee.
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