A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am needing advice and thoughts on a situation with my partner and I. I am a gay woman in a serious relationship. My partner and I have a wonderful relationship where we are both extremely happy together, have no issues with trust, and are actively planning a future together. After years of being horrendous and abusive relationships, I know she is the one for me. She is kind, caring, warm and driven. Most of all she is supportive. She is my rock through so much and is always there for me. We are each others best friend and soulmate rolled into one and are actively planning a future together. It's true what they say about when you meet the right one, you just know. She is the one for me.About 4 months ago she became unwell and had to start seeing doctors and specialists for a problem in her ankle and foot. She's been in a lot of pain and discomfort and now we appear to have finally gotten to the bottom of it. Long story short she needs to have a serious operation on her foot which will fuse a lot of her joints together. If this doesn't happen she will lose the loss of her foot altogether. With the operation, she won't be able to walk properly for months and due to the extent of the issue, will likely have limited mobility afterwards. It's the lesser of two evils. This is not only distressing as it would be for anyone but also extra upsetting as fitness and exercise is such a big part of our relationship. We both use working out to keep fit - mentally and physically, as a social thing and regularly work out together. The reality of the operation means she will likely never run or play football again. In the immediate aftermath for about a month she will be unable to move and then after that when recovery begins she will have to learn to walk again. I am heartbroken for her. I love her until death do us part and am in no way considering leaving her. I am in this for the long haul and want to stand by her but I'm not sure how to do this. I'm 25 and she's in her 30s. I don't drive and neither of us are particularly wealthy. We don't livetogether but live close and have discussed moving in together in about a year. For various reasons we can't live together right now. What can I do to support her? She has a lot of good friends around her but I feel I should also be doing something to help. Where will I find the strength to go through this? From start to full recovery this whole process could take a year. We had a good cry about it today and she said to me she wants me to make sure I have support around me so that the support she cannot give me when she is ill can come from somewhere else. But I don't know where. I'm not close with my parents. I have a good relationship with my sister though we aren't super close. My best friend lives far away. Where can I find support? My girlfriend has said she wants me to carry on my life as normal - go to the gym, keep pursuing my career (currently making a career change into my dream job) and go on an already planned holiday abroad this year with my sister. I am putting a brave face on as much as I can but how can I carry on as normal? Her life is about to change forever and with it mine. I don't begrudge her this at all but all I want to do is be there for her and I don't know how.How and where do I find the strength and support for her and myself whilst my girlfriend goes through this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): Her road to recovery weighs more on her than it does on you. This is about her, and not you. If your support-system is a limited circle of people, make the best of it. You'll grow closer to your sister. Fate has a way of changing our lives to force us to face realities, phobias, and other unresolved issues; in order that we grow, change, and succeed. Spiritual people like myself attribute it to God's plan, but this is not a sermon; so we will use fate.
You have made no effort to heal issues with your parents; the people who brought you into this world, and can offer a great deal of comfort through the roughest times in our lives. Stubbornness on both sides is keeping you apart.
If they are people with one molecule of humanity in them; perhaps knowing you're willing to meet them halfway, you can work on rebuilding your connection with them. This may be part of the plan to force you to open up and offer them an olive branch. Sometimes all it takes is trying. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Good relationships don't go without challenges and unforeseen crisis. They will come and go, they strengthen the bonds between people, and we reach deep inside to find strength to offer to those who are weak. That's in our survival toolbox for times like these. We're born with it, and we acquire it through life-experience. We are human beings. We have powerful instincts, intellect, foresight, and we are resourceful. Sometimes we don't know what we can do, until we're put to the test.
You will have little time to worry, when it comes time to give her encouragement, inspiration, and support. She is the one going through all this. So prepare now to be strong and to accept life as it comes. The good, the bad, the joy, and the sorrow. You've found someone who will inspire you with her courage and her strength. It will empower YOU.
You will find strength out of love. It is both voluntary and involuntary. It comes out of you without effort; because that's how we as humans are wired. We surprise ourselves with our own strengths. That is, if we don't over-think situations; and become selfish, or cowardly. Only because we are thinking more of our own feelings than the feelings of the one who needs us. There are occasions when our needs are secondary to those we love most. Things may not be the same; but not being a fortune-teller, you still can't limit the outcome of things only by what you see now.
You are undergoing the natural assumptions, doubts, and anticipation people all face in a medical-crisis. We can't see into the future; so we lose optimism and feel helpless.
This is a test. Faith allows hope to take hold.
If you love her as much as you think you do, you will find the strength. You will not fail. You are stronger than you know. I had a relationship for nearly 30 years with my partner. That didn't come without medical scares, financial scares, and disagreements. If you resolve not to fall apart on the first crisis, you will wisely use this time to develop your emotional muscles for more things to come. Convince yourself you can handle whatever comes your way. With all the wonderful things you've said about her; I can tell you've got it in you, and then some. I can feel the love from where I sit, writing this.
It will not be easy; but when you love somebody, nothing seems too hard to show them how much you do. I know from personal experience. It will just come forth. You will need rest at times. Allow yourself time to refresh. Go on the vacation as planned, go about life as usual. That prevents resentment from setting in. You are not expected to be a martyr. She should have no doubts how much you care.
Things will change, you will change, and she will change.
You will adapt to these changes and things will get even better; because neither of you are alone. People come out of nowhere to your rescue. That's how the greater plan works. There are things greater than you at work. You also have each other. I had to answer this post. Maybe I'm also part of that greater plan. So here it is.
I strongly advise you to workout things with your family, gather all the strength you can from her friends, who are also your friends. Coordinate and collaborate. Use every resource available to seek comfort and to recharge your spirit, and hers. Even if it brings you on your knees in a prayer. Don't overlook anything that you can reach-out for, that gives you what you need to keep strong. Come back to us if necessary.
You will learn as you grow older that no situation is hopeless; if you're optimistic, hopeful, and if you persevere. Life has it's seasons, and you will have seasons of growth and blooming, and seasons of loss and dormancy. This is what builds stronger and lasting relationships. I know, because I've been through a lot of things, and I'm still standing to pass on my wisdom to people who need it.
I will pray for you and your girlfriend. It doesn't matter whether you believe or not. My only concern is that two people love each other. They are facing something very scary, but I feel it will work out very well for both of you. She will do fine, because she has you there to inspire her with your love and care. She will inspire you with her courage and determination.
My best to you both.
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