A
female
age
51-59,
*AD WOMAN
writes:Anybody, somebody, please provide your input for my situation. I feel stupid, but I need sincere words from someone to tell me where I did wrong or if I am doing the right thing. I met this guy over a chat room, who I felt deeply emotionally. We've dated for 3 years, wonderful times, great relationship, and unforgettable moments, including making a commitment to each other not to have anyone else; however, I always knew from the beginning and deep inside that he will mess up one day, but I got too attached on him and stayed with him for love. Well, he cheated on me twice based on the most ridiculous excuses. I felt devastated and hopeless, but he kept coming around asking for forgiveness. So, I tried to let it go for the first time, but the second I could not. In addition, I found out that he has a secret email where he keeps former chat room contacts for his pleasure. I thought about it well and then I gathered everything he have gave me as a gift, put in a box, and drop at his house without saying one word. Well, I called later telling him that I could not trash those things, if he wants, he can do it himself. Lately, I am going through family problems and he used to be always with me when there was a problem. All this happened at the same time, my family issues and him, so I am stressed out. He has not contacted me since then; however, in a desperate moment, I did the stupid thing to call him regarding to my family issues and wrote to him about it, as well expecting him to provide some guidance, and I did not mentioned a thing about the break up… and I thought, if he really cares, he would give me some supporting words. Well, needless to say, there was no response, besides he left today to a vacation with his wife. Wait; do not jump into conclusion yet based on “his wife”. He used to tell me that he does not have any relationship with his wife, and he is there because of his son, and even told her that he was in love “with me” due to his wife found out of his affair. We made plans to be together, that he is going to file for divorce. Under his pressure, I file for divorce myself, but I did it based on that I do not deserve my husband (who is a good man and knows everything) and I should let him (my ex-husband) go and the right to be happy; besdes, I did not want to feel guilty dating another man while married.So, here is a little bit about him (the lover) – If I do not do something his way, he constantly call me the worse names in the world you can imagine and one time he included two precious daughters; already put me in trouble, several times, at my work place with my co-workers and boss; wants me to tell everyone that I am “spoken for” to him and did not want me to have contact to no one.I have been reading this site for the past three days, which is a great and realistic site, but somehow there is something blocking to these consoling words comes through my mind and soul, and give some kind of confidence that this will be over (soon or later). So, I need to hear opinions based on my situation. I am willing to really let him and all these feeling go. Where I did wrong? Why do I feel regret for writing to him about my family problems? Thank you.Sad Woman
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female
reader, SAD WOMAN +, writes (27 December 2008):
SAD WOMAN is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDiovanLestat,
Thank you for your input. I means a lot for me. I just need to hear those words that makes me realise that he is notworth it, even if I was planning to recoup that stupid GPC, for that he does not deserve to have and I do not want him to use it, as he did, to go see another woman, and on my expense. That is just not fair!
I will try to take off my mind for this material thing. Let him have it (GPS). One thing I can guarantee to you is that I really do not care to have any contact with him. Sometimes I feel that I took a heavy load off my shoulder, but my anger (you are right) is still inside, but at least, is not that agonizing pain that was/is devouring me, but a feeling of revenge. I confess that I feel better (as you said) that I am the one now in the position of ignoring him, since he wrote to me, and he will see that no replies from me. Silence is what he will have in return.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Still Sad Woman.. surely not, you sound mad and angry to me... I'm a person who likes anger, anger that is right and justified. You need help, advice and support with your daughter. Well that's a relationship problem, it's better to come here and talk to us, on another thread, you can do this anonymously, than bother your time talking to him. We have many mother's on board, some single parents, some married. Your better of asking them, rather than him, they advice is usually unbiased, clear, and doesn't have the baggage of coming from somebody that thinks they "know you"...
Ah, so he wants to insult you. Well he can go and bleep, bleep, bleep. Last time I looked, he was the married jerk and the expert in cheating and sleeping around. I don't see you wearing no wedding ring, your sex life is your business and nothing to do with him. He should go home to his wife, if you want to find a man, you don't need his advice. Sorry but I'm angry, who the hell dose he think he is, coming to you and giving you that crap. Trying to keep you in your place that's what he's trying to do. You have nothing to feel ashamed off, if and when you feel like dating, or having sex again... He can go and soak his head..
Not happy about the next part.. you said blah, blah, blah crap, found an excuse to see him again.... I think I'll ignore that.
Have a wonderful time on your holiday. Now that's just the kind of fun I was talking about. You don't mess around do you. I suggested making yourself feel good and you go and book some tickets... I like that... Please have fun, and stay away from the board unless your really need to talk to someone. I want you to forget about him, your problems and anything else that makes you angry, frustrated or sad. Your going on holiday, going to somewhere different, taking a break and leaving your problems at home. Don't worry some of those things will still be there when you come back, but I'm hoping a little break away, and little me time will help you change your perspective to some things in your life...
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, HAVE TONS AND TONS OF FUN... YIPPIE
PS: You did good, you didn't respond, you didn't answer back. You ignored him this time, and now your too busy to bother with him because you've got other things to do. Congratulations, I know that it was hard to stop yourself from answering back... Blessings
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A
female
reader, SAD WOMAN +, writes (27 December 2008):
SAD WOMAN is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATES !!!
I am still here and it is so good to know that I have been missed. I am here everyday when time permits. Thank you for your thoughts and I have been thinking of you all with all my heart. I am so glad that I found this site.
Let me provide you with some latest information. Remember as I mentioned on my original posting that I regret to email my xMM expecting for some guidance from him regarding my family issues? To be precise, regarding my youngest daughter. Oh well, surprise, surprise! Today he wrote back, basically, he sent me two emails; one regarding to my request, and he was totally stupid and wrongly provide his recommendation (as he titled in the subject line) and he referred a friendly recommendation - he said for me to quit my job and devote 100% to my daughters. I know that would be nice, if I could, but in today's life, who can afford to be without a job, a paycheck? I am not rich, and I need my job to guarantee my retirement, my elderly times when it comes, and also to be able to provide my daughters when they ever need something from me. I do not want to depend on nobody, especially on my daughters, to support me. Besides, his words were totally out of the subject. Moreover, he said that I am dedicated to my job, to my disrespect/easy life as a woman, and if I stop to f?ing around nothing this would happen (this is what he thinks); that I should not leave my youngster alone and be with her all the time. Yeah? he might be right, I should not have devoted those three years with him and I would have dedicated to my daughter --- I regret that. To him, I already f..k a guy if I look at. He emphasize that the advice were from a friend (him)? yeah! Right!
Well, the second email was based on a propaganda email from a casino/hotel, where we stayed one time, and he just forwarded to me with a little note/introduction saying, - This email is for you, so you can take your f****ing buddies with you. His action was so more than stupid and immature. Seems that he will never change as he still tries to hurt me verbally and likes threw me to others men. He knows and I already told him in the past? the fact that he f**ks around does not mean that I do the same, because I was happy with and was him that all that I need. (Silly me!)
Therefore, the good thing from these emails is that he is expecting a reply from me, which I DID NOT! And I am NOT GOING TO! Moreover, and without giving myself too much hope, is that upon his return, he may have the attempt to contact me, and I will let him to... what to know why? OK... I want to have a chance to let him think that I am here for him, and when he physically comes to see me, I will remove from him the GPS that he use it to see another woman and I will just say a rounded GOODBYE, and I will still call the MPs on him, so he knows that I am not joking and I will not allow him to play with my feelings anymore, as he did.
GOOD NEWS: Today, I brought my airline ticket to go overseas and I will be leaving one week or so after his return. I do not know if am I looking forward to travel, but I will try to take the best out of it.
Your word, thought, and suggestions are welcome.
Still SAD WOMAN.
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A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (25 December 2008):
 You wanted him to prove he loved you and he couldn't. He is a broken person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): Thanks Bugs, can't stay sad on this board for long, there's always a nice kind aunt with hugs to go around... Stuff having a bad day, it's Christmas, let's get started on the celebrations, we can cry and feel sad on Boxing day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): Cuddles coming up for Diovan to make the bad day into a good day and the gift is in the mailbox.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): lol... I'm laughing, and I'm laughing because you are human just like me and everybody else. Today is a bad day, and it's hard.. Yes, I know the feeling, that's why I'm laughing. There is nothing we can do about these feelings, everybody has them. You feel like crying, well go on and cry. You loved someone, it's gone wrong, well those things hurt and are sad, and when we are sad we cry. I call it "ice cream day". You are hurting, get some ice-cream, watch a funny movie, read a sexy book, put on your comfort clothes. Cuddle up with yourself and give yourself as much love as you would a baby. Your feeling sad, please learn how to give yourself cuddles, nice things, and things that make you smile. You deserve it babes, go and take a bath or paint your nails, and if the tears come, that's because your a kind hearted person, you have real emotions and when things hurt then you feel sad.
Why don't you cry, well your probably still in shock. Change hurts, and in your mind you probably are still hoping that things can work out. Your choice babes, you can choose to stay away, cry, feel sad, and deal with your broken heart. But broken hearts don't stay broken, they get stronger, and day by day they heal, even if you don't notice it. I use sad songs by Janis Joplin, they help me to cry and release the emotions inside, but other people put on happy songs instead and start dancing to them. Whatever works. Cry, scream, or don't, it's your life, your choice. Anything that helps you get through this is the most happiest and healthy way.
I like your idea of taking your holiday and avoiding him for a little while.. Stuff and bother it's soon Christmas, please try not to be alone right now. Go stay with friends or family, do something to make sure your not alone, or at least try and make online friends. It's important that you are not alone over Christmas. Call people or visit them, I want you to realise that next year is your year and it will get better and happier over time... We just got to get through the terrible pain of loss and heartbreak first. We've all been there, we know exactly what your feeling. So your never alone, there are always people out their who are wishing you well... Try and have a happy Christmas, pretend and fake it if you can't make it. Blessing babes, I'm hoping that you get pure happiness and the love you deserve in the coming year... Merry Christmas.....
PS: We women are not allowed to hit men, even if boxing is our favourite sport... these things happen sometimes... lol (blush)
PPS: Forget about the pictures, I don't want you to use them as an excuse to contact him. Wait a year and then call him and ask for them back... Revenge, well we are going to have our revenge. Your gonna become happy, sexy, confident again, your gonna make the best of yourself and demand the very best out of life. Your gonna get your revenge by showing him your single, your beautiful, kind and considerate and plenty of people long to get close to you, but he's the one person who will never get another chance. Live well, that's the best revenge. Get yourself together, move on with your life, and then ignore him forever, that will drive him up the wall.......
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A
female
reader, SAD WOMAN +, writes (23 December 2008):
SAD WOMAN is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the responses. I have been trying to capture every word and sinking them in my head, so I can be strong enough to get over this terrible phase. Today, I feet weak, but for some reason I have not cried since he left me/I left him. Do not ask me why? I do not know. But, if you do, please let me know.He is now outside the country on vacation with his wife and son. I am affraid about what would I do, upon his return, if he attempt to contact me or show his face at my work place. Sometimes I think to take my vacation to avoid this type of confrontation by going outside the country, days after his return, and stay out of the sight for a few days and not allow him a chance to contact me.I regret so many things/not all things that I have done lately for him prior we broke up. I really regret emailed him after we broke up searching for support. Stop! Was I really looking for support or trying to tell him that "hey, I am here! let me see/have you one more time?" I believed not. I do not desire him, because I am angry and I want to punch his face, as I did on our last encounter. I hitted him so strongly in his face, as a boxer hit, that he dropped on the ground. I did it and even gave im a chance to hit me back, if he desires (he did not!). At that time I felt all my anger coming out, and I told him that he deserved it for cheating on me and make me feel like stupid again. Moreover, I told him that, the pain he is having will go away in hours, but the pain he caused on me nobody knows how long will take to go away. Believe it or not, we still spent the rest of the weekend together, but on the last night, we just stayed together, no sex, and next morning I got up and left - no word. He kept calling me afterwards, until I decide to apologize to him for hitting on his face, which I regret. From that point on, no more sex, encounters, nor mail exchange. He wrote a few emails to me, but I did not responded none of them. He came over my work by surprise and took me to dinner, I went, and I listened all his smooth talks, giving him his pleasure to be in control. Next day, I was the first to change my cell number, due to horrible things he was texting me. To me, there was the end of "us", now is just "me". I know I am/will suffer, but why am I not crying? I do not want to see him, but I am in the eager to show him that I am alive, carrying on with my life, and be please to ignore him if he comes around. I still wanted to show him that he is a crap, a scam, a monster. I have the desire to make him suffer, as well as I am suffering. How can I get this revenge away?There is one more thing, he keeps in his secret email compromising photos of me, and I am affraid that he can use them somehow and there's nothing I can do.
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A
female
reader, SAD WOMAN +, writes (23 December 2008):
SAD WOMAN is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the responses. I have been trying to capture every word and sinking them in my head, so I can be strong enough to get over this terrible phase.
Today, I feet weak, but for some reason I have not cried since he left me/I left him. Do not ask me why? I do not know. But, if you do, please let me know.
He is now outside the country on vacation with his wife and son. I am affraid about what would I do, upon his return, if he attempt to contact me or show his face at my work place. Sometimes I think to take my vacation to avoid this type of confrontation by going outside the country, days after his return, and stay out of the sight for a few days and not allow him a chance to contact me.
I regret so many things/not all things that I have done lately for him prior we broke up. I really regret emailed him after we broke up searching for support. Stop! Was I really looking for support or trying to tell him that "hey, I am here! let me see/have you one more time?" I believed not. I do not desire him, because I am angry and I want to punch his face, as I did on our last encounter. I hitted him so strongly in his face, as a boxer hit, that he dropped on the ground. I did it and even gave im a chance to hit me back, if he desires (he did not!). At that time I felt all my anger coming out, and I told him that he deserved it for cheating on me and make me feel like stupid again. Moreover, I told him that, the pain he is having will go away in hours, but the pain he caused on me nobody knows how long will take to go away.
Believe it or not, we still spent the rest of the weekend together, but on the last night, we just stayed together, no sex, and next morning I got up and left - no word. He kept calling me afterwards, until I decide to apologize to him for hitting on his face, which I regret. From that point on, no more sex, encounters, nor mail exchange. He wrote a few emails to me, but I did not responded none of them. He came over my work by surprise and took me to dinner, I went, and I listened all his smooth talks, giving him his pleasure to be in control.
Next day, I was the first to change my cell number, due to horrible things he was texting me. To me, there was the end of "us", now is just "me". I know I am/will suffer, but why am I not crying? I do not want to see him, but I am in the eager to show him that I am alive, carrying on with my life, and be please to ignore him if he comes around. I still wanted to show him that he is a crap, a scam, a monster. I have the desire to make him suffer, as well as I am suffering. How can I get this revenge away?
There is one more thing, he keeps in his secret email compromising photos of me, and I am affraid that he can use them somehow and there's nothing I can do.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2008):
 Wow, you're going through a very difficult time. I know you already feel awful about what's happened and I don't want to pile any more hurt onto you.
So I'll try to sum up. You got involved with a man who was still married and who had other women on the side as well. He tried to control your life and when you needed support, he let you down in the worst way. He's gone on vacation with his wife.
Okay, he's a major league, first class, control freak a***ole cheating lying louse. So thank your lucky stars that you are rid of him. Take that box of his things and pitch them. No, better yet, donate them to charity. At least he can help someone indirectly.
Then get yourself into some counseling to find out why you allowed yourself to believe a lying louse scumbag. Tell your close friends that you need support right now, ask them to call you and try to cheer you up, keep you busy and occupied.
You feel regret because you knew deep down that he wasn't to be trusted, but you overlooked your intuition, your common sense, and allowed yourself to be swept up into an affair. He's wasted three years of your life, three years where you could have been working on your marriage or better still, yourself. Don't give him one more day. Cut contact, give away or sell or pitch the things associated with him.
Then start healing yourself. Consider seeing a counselor for some immediate emotional support. Eat well, get your exercise. Mend any rifts this affair has created for you with other people. Don't drink too much right now, it is a depressant. You don't need that. See your doctor if you are having major symptoms like panic attacks or loss of sleep or weight loss or symptoms of depression.
And learn to forgive yourself.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): The anonymous lady is very right.. Relationships with married men don't work and it you, the woman that ends up getting hurt.. As long as you are with him you will be unhappy. I know it's very hard to leave because you love him. If you can stay away from him for a year, your attitude will change, your life will be happier and you will find that you can very easily live without somebody who already has a wife. You deserve more than hanging around waiting for a married man to call... and this one is verbally abusive and already looks for other women online. He's a liar and a cheat, and as long as you stay you'll always be unhappy and sad, no matter about the good times, what happens when you have bad times like this? Married men lie, you are now divorced, how come after 3years this guy is still married?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): I have recently gone through a similar situation. I met this guy fell in love with him, left my troubled marriage to be with him and long story short he left me for someone much younger. This was after a two year relationship. So this hurt me really badly. He promised me everything too. There really are no comforting words I'm sorry, I know this hurts like hell. You should not feel ashamed for any thing you have done because grief makes us do things or be people we are normally not. Believe me I know, I felt desperate, went to his house crying like a fool and that made it worse because he was cruel to me. Please just know that you are not alone. I am not gonna promise you that time heals it because I'm not there yet, but it's been three months since our split and I am better than I was and I have hope that as time goes by thing will get even better. I wish you well.
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