A
male
age
36-40,
*llithid
writes:Ok, this is probably not the best place to ask this, but since my question is where I should ask this question, here goes.Back story: I'm a geek and have always been one. I managed to get through middle school single (not for lack of trying), high school single (with a little less effort and more quiet resignation), but got a girlfriend in college. After seven months, I found out that she had four other concurrent boyfriends, some drug users, and I dumped her. Three years later, I finally got a second girlfriend. Now I dated this girl for three years, got engaged to her, and truly loved her right up to the point that she dumped me for a man almost twice her age and was too cowardly to even tell me why she left me and would never talk to me ever again. That was two months ago.In all this time, I've been a sexual person in my mind but not really been sexually fulfilled physically. I refuse to have full sex until I'm married, but the first girlfriend tempted me with oral and I liked it (not that she ever gave me ANY, but I liked giving it to her). The second girl told me initially that she was bisexual, but later changed her story to say that she's 70% lesbian. Without getting into messy details, I gave her oral too and got virtually nothing in return (not even gratitude). So I mentally bottled up my sexuality, convinced myself that I was wrong to even think men mattered in bed, and eventually came to realize that men don't matter in general. (Can you tell there were other problems in the relationship?)Anyway, after she dumped me, I found that my libido came back in force. I never stopped wanting her give back, and I never stopped wanting to experience SOMETHING for my pleasure for once (beyond the half-hearted pity crap I got from that one girl), but all of a sudden I'm going crazy over here now that she's gone. I am thinking about it all the time, obsessing over how much I hope the third time's the charm and my next girl is actually interested in some mutuality, and now I'm looking at porn like I haven't done in a long, long time. It's like all the urges and desires that I've felt guilty about even having are all making up for lost time.But the thing is, I'm still single. I have gone on three dates with a nice enough girl over the last month, but she's kindly explained to me this week that she considers herself asexual (which is just as well, because there was no real chemistry between us anyway). Given that I'm 25 and have kissed only two girls so far, the odds aren't great that I'm going to be intimate with anyone in the near future, but I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't at least discuss sex with someone.I could talk to a couple of friends I have about it, but since one is recently separated from her husband (partially over his utter lack of concern for her needs in bed) and the other is married to an extremely jealous man that checks her messages (and isn't terribly kind to her either), it feels a bit awkward to talk to them about my little frustrations. It would be ok if they could talk to me too, exchange griefs, but they're both too reserved to share much so it would just be me whining to people that have it worse. And yet, I still and going nuts.So what do I do? Do I look for some random sex chat room and try to talk to the 90% male population there (with maturity of junior high kids)? Are there forums to talk frankly about sex? Is there some way to connect with people and just talk about sex worries and desires and complaints? Heck, should I just go to a bar and throw my promises to myself to the wind and screw someone I don't care about just to get it out of my system for a few minutes?I feel like I need to at least TALK about my feelings in an open, uncensored way that even my ex-fiancée was never inviting enough to hear. What do I do, before I start researching chemical castration just to stop thinking about it?
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chat room, engaged, jealous, lesbian, libido, my ex, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): Even at your age, it's not too often that someone throws away their virginity with a one nighter and doesn't regret it. At best they feel mixed feelings and they're never happy with either waiting so long not are they thrilled with how they got rid of it. I'm trying not to just say "Wait for the real thing." Because I realize that attitude seems to be what got you where you are right now. But maybe somewhere in the middle is better. I hear ya, you've spent too much time shopping and you just wanna make the purchase. But don't throw away all that choosiness and grab the first thing in front of you just because you're starting to feel like the store is closing in 5 minutes. It isn't.
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (30 October 2009):
Illithid is verified as being by the original poster of the question Sorry, in my group, "geek" is considered a good thing. I have started martial arts classes, working out, and dieting. I am getting out more, am hitting a party this saturday, and already loved going to the beach (yes, a geek that likes some sun). I'm just not going to pretend to be a jock just to better fit some vague majority so I can get girls that have nothing in common with me. And I am GLAD to be rid of my ex, I just don't want to be alone.
Thanks guys for the offers to private message. I think I'll do just that. I thought this wasn't the best place to talk frankly about sex (barring some quick and non-explicit questions). But you guys are great. I love this site!
I'm not looking to cyber, or eRP or anything like that... just talk about some things on my mind. Cybering feels more intimate to me. It's not something I can do with a stranger.
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A
female
reader, sammy3  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 well if you dont want to have sex before ur married go to a sex shop and get a pocket pussy, lube and such, expensive but worth it i would say. watch porn get excited pour some lube down there start masterbating then take that fake but real pussy and f*** it, i know im a girl but i have lots of guyfriends and they open up a lot sometimes and that is my best advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I find the best place to speak openly about sex is with our church's minister. Yeah, right!
Seriously though, this is the place to be open with your problems and hang ups. You'll find that people are pretty basic when you strip off all of the pretentiousness.
Maybe its time for a personal make over. If you can afford it, go buy some new clothes or join a gym. Take another person with you when you shop or you'll buy the same ol' crap you are wearing now. Re-invent yourself and get some confidence. It will pick up your spirits and that will come through to girls.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Reality time
Do you want to be the guy whos "just good friends" or do you wanna get laid??? People will answer your questions on sex happily here.
If you wanna get laid then read on, otherwise start looking for a cat.
Stop being the nice guy. Stop it now. Women will use you to dump all their emotional crap and thus wont want to be with you. They do it all the time.
Alot of guys do what you are doing now and none of them get laid. Including me.
Enough star trek, stop calling yourself a geek its bad for your self esteem. Get some new clothes and learn how to dance, stop judging people and start hanging out with them. It will be awkward at first but you'll get used to it and you will have much more fun!!
Also forget your ex, shes not into you end of story
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (30 October 2009):
 It depends on what you mean by "discussing sex". You won't find an outlet for sexual fantasy here, but open and honest discussion is certainly possible and seeking advice and the input of others with more experience is encouraged. For more sensitive questions you feel shy about asking, an anonymous post may feel safer.
I know that I would be happy to help and that I am not very easily shocked. ;-)
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (30 October 2009):
 I'm sure there probably are forums out there where you can talk about sex openly. Until you find the right one, or one at all, you could contact someone on this website privately. SD has already promised to help you. Please feel free to conact me privately if you want to have a more frank discussion regarding your frustrations. I have them, too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I agree with sd...thats what we're here for. Hang in there illithid, life isnt over by far. ;)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): dude , this is the site start writing and well listen.
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