A
female
age
30-35,
*iri louise
writes:ok I briefly dated this guy last year and he told me this semester that I was horrible at sex and hooking up in general. I got really insecure and I know this is completely ridiculous but I asked him if he would give me "sex lessons" and he said yes. however, its been like a month and he ALWAYS has excuses not to give me lessons. He says that he has to study or drink with friends and for almost three weeks he said he wanted to work out more before he'd have sex because he had gained to much weight recently. (he's really thin...) I am a relatively attractive, in shape female, so I just don't get what's wrong? He hasn't been laid in almost two years and he is super reluctant to have sex with me. Recently, a girl who he used to like broke up with her boyfriend and he has been messaging her although def nothing physical so maybe he's just not into me? But he messages me all the time too, plus I actually encourage him to hook up with other girls because I want to see if he's gay lol. Sometimes he says other guys have good or hot bodies and he will "jokingly" say that a guy in a movie is a "cutie." Also, last year when we dated for about four months I accidentally slept with his best friend so I don't know if maybe that's why he's hesitant and I should give it more time? Is he gay or just not into me or what? I know this is complicated but I really can't ask anyone in person so I would appreciate any and all help! Thanks!
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female
reader, miri louise +, writes (3 April 2011):
miri louise is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry i didnt mean to sound arrogant about my appearance-im not amazing looking i was just trying to give background info and say that i think i am decent looking so that people would help me understand his behavior rather than just asking if im hideous or something. i agree that he is probably just not into me sexually and i should accept it and move on. ya win some ya lose some lol. it kind of bothers me that i ran into him today and told him that it doenst seem like hes comfortable with this and that thats fine maybe its not such a good idea and he was like no what are you talking about i am def going to do this!!. that confuses me but i guess maybe its a better idea for me not mention anything and just let it fade out. thanks for all the help and any other ideas or comments are always appreciated :)
oh and @ angziety-ya he could be nervous because hes ALWAYS bragging about being so phenomenal in bed and even telling me that i wont want to be with anyone after him because hes so amazing haha
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): Hurt feelings don't have an expiration date sometimes. And as you've found out from this guy and from your own reaction to his comments, people tend to be really emotionally vulnerable about sex, long after the fact. That's why the idea of doing it "just for practice" is impossible if not entirely offensive to some people.
You want practice before you go on some personal sexual adventure for the summer? Skip the practice and go for it. If you are as beautiful as you describe, you don't really have to be insecure about much. Use protection and have fun.
I did this for a summer once in my early 20s, but I came to the conclusion pretty quickly that it wasn't fun at all...it was an empty and rather boring experience. I think you'll find out that having good sex has more to do with syncing emotionally with your partner and being able to read them and vice versa...and far less to do with your technical performance and the ratings men give you.
Good luck, stay safe, and have fun.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 April 2011):
 Your self confidence is both admirable and a bit naive.
Why, do you think that just because you are relatively attractive and in shape , so any man should want to have sex with you, and if he does not then he must be guy ?
You could be twice as attractive as you are- and still there would be men who are not into you sexually. Particularly if the first time around was not so memorable.
Any guy who is offered sex and answers with : sorry gotta go to the gym- you can be sure he is not burning with desire.
I must say though that from what you say it sounds there could be more. Maybe this guy got burned with you and is wary of taking up with you again. Maybe he still holds a grudge because you slept with his friends. Whatever it is, he is lukewarm about your sex lessons and if I were you, I would drop the subject. A girl that tries to force herself on you becomes rapidly less attractive than she was.
You can practice with someone else - possibly with someone
who is crazy about you , and viceversa. There is nothing like enthusiasm to overcome any technique imperfection.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): He is not into you sexually. And he's also really insecure about his body image. You don't need sex lessons. You will get more experienced when you are involved in a mature loving relationship with a guy that truly loves you. Sex is always better with someone you love and have a loving relationship with. Meaningless sex with whoever wants it doesn't work and its not healthy. So hold off on trying to perfect your skills in the bedroom, you'll be just fine, when that right guy comes along and you have a real connection, you can both learn together about what each other likes and how to please.
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A
female
reader, miri louise +, writes (2 April 2011):
miri louise is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I think my last answer got cut off. Anyways, I realize I hurt him but that was over a year ago, so I thought that he would be stable enough to give me a few lessons. I would be happy to try dating again but I was not expecting or asking that of him. I made it clear that he could see other women and that my goal was to improve in bed. I agree that taking him up on the lessons might not be a good idea. However, I truly am insecure so do you think it's ok for me to hook up with other guys instead of him so that I can get practice? There are only six more weeks left before summer so I want to get started but he would obviously figure out bc our school is small. I don't want to hurt him more, which is why a part of me thinks I should just be patient and see if he comes to me wanting to give the lessons, but I don't know. Thanks again for helping out
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): Hi miri,If he didn't make his feelings for you clear then I can understand your confusion...I can understand why you want to debate the technicalities of cheating, but at heart I think you know it hurts him because you don't feel right about what you did. The fact that you picked his best friend to cheat on is also problematic. You could have very well destroyed a very good relationship he had with a peer. I'm not trying to guilt-trip you or call you a "horrible" person...but I just want you to know that whatever obnoxious or judgemental things he might be saying probably come from some pretty traumatic hurt. The technicalites of "cheating" aren't something decided by your university...they are very intensley personal. If a former loved one of mine slept with one of my closest friends and then blew it off, I can tell you I'de probably be crying myself to sleep right now.You come off as a bit cavalier in your post and I think he might be reacting to that attitude. There is a tendency for women to pretend men aren't emotionally vulnerable, that their insecurities aren't valid because they aren't "manly" and that they should bounce back from our "mistakes" and insults as if they were half-cartoon. Well, I hate to break it to you, but they're just human too. He might very well have loved you, but now he probably is just scared of loving you...that's why he said what he did. I get why you wrote in to DearCupid, he put you down and said you were lousy at sex. He said it to make you feel inadequate and insecure rather than feel that way himself. For what my opinion's worth, I think that's probably a lie on his part. He said it because he didn't know HOW to say he's angry at you. I'm not apologizing for what he said, I'm just trying to say his reaction is pretty typical. Perhaps ridiculous on the face of it, but expected considering what he's been through. Perhaps you suggested "sex lessons" as a way to challenge his claims about your sexual inadequacy. It's a rational train of thought, I get it why you said that...all I'm saying is to take a minute and imagine what it might feel like if you invested a lot of time with someone and you ended up not being enough for them? It's the ultimate insult.It's nice you apologized, all I'm suggesting is that you take it easy on him and give him some time and space. I wouldn't take him up on the sex lessons. He probably doesn't have the courage to admit he's hurting right now.
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A
female
reader, miri louise +, writes (2 April 2011):
miri louise is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell we were dating but he hadnt asked me to be exclusive and i thought it was pretty casual. at my college it wouldnt be called cheating really, but he wasnt seeing anyone else during that time period, so maybe you are right that it was cheating. It sort of happened twice with different guys :/ ack im a horrible person lol. but anyways i have tried to apologize multiple times but he always says "it doesn't matter." i would figure that at this point hes just not into me anymore except that he has clung to our friendship like a drowning sailor and he told me i was bad at sex right when i was starting to date someone else, which seemed like jealously to me. Thanks for the reply :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): He's probably not gay, I think it's more likely he's putting off the "sex lessons" because you slept with his best friend. Technically, what you did wasn't just a mistake, it was also cheating and it probably hurt his feelings and made him lose trust in you. He just might not be comfortable being intimate with you after what you did.
Why did he tell you that you were "horrible" at sex and making out?
Probably because what you did made him feel insecure and inadequate and he was looking to get back at you. I wouldn't doubt his sexuality as retaliation.
Why not apologize?
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