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female
,
anonymous
writes: I need to learn self-control when it comes to my ex, as he certainly won't. It seems all he wants to be is friends with me, then he'll get with me as soon as he's single because he thinks I'm a great shag. I have some feelings for him still but I don't think I want a relationship so I'm sitting on the fence with him a bit, unsure as to what I want our status to be. I'm beginning to realise how degrading it is being whatever it is that he sees me as, but unfortunately I have no self control, I appear to have an inability to reject his advances, no matter how hard I try. How do I help myself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006): You show great maturity in your question so you are capable of self-control, it is just that you like him and we all get lonely at times and crave affection, even if it is not what we want for ourselves when it comes to the status of our relationship.
It sounds to me like your ex is using you in part to shore up his ego and partly because you are safe and comfortable.
But, he also could really like you, but not be mature enough for the kind of committed realtionship you would be proud of and which you deserve.
If you want to help yourself and perhaps even this relationship, stop taking his calls, stop opening the door to him, stop seeing him altogether and start dating some other men if you can. Really, just physically stay away from him at all costs, it is really that simple.
If he still grovels to see you, then set the terms of the relationship that are acceptable to you, you are in control of you and you need to ask for what you want and say what you mean, but don't say anything at all during your break from him, let him miss you and realize that he can't have you back at his whim, that you are not waiting for him.
Hope this helps.
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