A
male
age
30-35,
*harkGrey
writes:I've been with this guy for just over 4 months now. He's very insecure due to his previous 3 year relationship. We didn't meet in good circumstances as I left my boyfriend for him. It's going really well and I love him so much. He tells me he loves me, thinks he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Can see himself living with me etc. Yet I saw on his phone he had been going on a dating site. This is not a popular one and seems very seedy/dirty, almost more of a hookup site. I managed to look at his history and he has been looking at profiles too but doesn't appear to be messaging people. I had a heart to heart with him and told him I was worried he was being unfaithful/wasn't happy/was looking around. He assured me he wasn't and told me how happy he was with me and how he doesn't even want to think about anyone else. I know his profile on this account and have been checking and he's online at least twice a day. I don't know what to do. I worry what else he may be doing. I can't tell him I looked at his phone and saw it and he will know I've been snooping. What do I do? I don't want to lose him and believe him when he says he doesn't want to lose me.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 January 2016):
 Well, this is what you get for snooping. It isn't nice of him to go on a dating site, but most people do not consider this cheating. It's just a site where they can have a sneak peek at other women, like being at the beach with sun glasses on. If this is the case, he'll drop this habit himself in due time. It's just been four months, most people need that long or longer in order to get to know someone and commit completely with soul and heart and all.
Or he could be notorious player who's always looking out for the next conquest.
Which one does he strike you as?
I kept my profile on a dating site up about 6 months into my new relationship. Not for looking around or dating reasons, but because I thought it was fun to read the conversations I had and it gave me inspiration for a book I was writing at the time. I never told my boyfriend because it's my private affairs, and I wasn't cheating or flirting even with other men, so it's within I consider my rights.
People have varying definitions of what's acceptable and not though. It's time you and your boyfriend had the talk about what you consider cheating and not, and where the line otherwise goes. Not to yell at him, and not to frame him, and do not tell him you know. But have the talk.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 January 2016):
 Its not a great start to a relationship. If you felt the need to check his phone, well then you must have been feeling insecure enough to wonder was he actually doing anything. Finding what you did, well not only has he lied to you he is on a dating site, which means he is looking for something. I admit he may not want to cheat he might be just looking, however if he was really happy in this relationship I cannot see why he would want to look at other men when he has you.
This relationship is built on lies and insecurities. Unless you be honest with him and tell him what you found this relationship will not work, he will continue to lie and you will continue to be insecure and checking up on him.
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A
male
reader, SharkGrey +, writes (5 January 2016):
SharkGrey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see your point but his actions do show he cares and feels for me all the time. We've been honest from the start and yes we met in poor circumstances but we did nothing until I ended it with my ex - an ex is not been happy with for months. His ex was long gone and he is still holding onto the baggage from that I can tell but I'm not. And I don't know what made me do it, insecurity probably, I just trusted him so much I didn't think I'd find anything - I still trust him to a degree now. I don't think he would meet up with anyone. I'm wondering if it's a phase.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 January 2016):
 I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your relationship sounds doomed and pretty dysfunctional.
It's ONLY been 4 months and you are invading his privacy to go through his phone and he is lying is tail off to you. WHAT is there to build on? Lies and distrust?
Yes, I get it, he say a lot of pretty things that you'd want to hear, but he doesn't really back them up with actions, does he?
You both carry around baggage of distrust from past relationships and really unless you "unpack" that and DEAL with it, you two will not have a healthy relationship.
IT IS NOT normal to go through your partners phone or check how often he is on his profile. IF you think by doing so you can somehow "control" his actions you are wrong. 1. it shouldn't BE your job to "control" or "monitor" your partner. He is an adult. 2. you violated his privacy, found crap and now can't confront him without owning up to what you did. So what was the point?
The whole being on sleazy hook up sites is probably NOT a new thing. Guess what? He might have been doing it when he was dating his ex. HIS actions might actually BE why they broke up, not HERS. All you know is his version and that is the "woe is me, I'm insecure because my ex was a bad bad girl" and it may not even be true.
If you both "sort" of cheated on your ex-partners no wonder there is very little trust here, you both know what YOU are capable off.
You went from one relationship straight into a new one, without having really dealt with the issues that broke up the first relationship and he... he has been holding on to past hurts and they are now his "excuse" for being on dating sites.
If you two can't be open and honest with each other? If you can't TRUST each other, what DO you have?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2016): Hey. I hope you are well. It's never really a great idea to leave someone for someone else. Give yourself time to emotionally and mentally move on. I've been where you are, the pain is deep. This fellow is no good for you. He's a lie deceitful cheat. The heart doesnt lie, get away from this guy. As long as you believe him he will lie to you and cheat on you. You stop the cheating and lying by ending the relationship. I'm lesbian, was with my ex 5 years. Loved her to pieces, and wanted a future together. She had dating profile. She changed them when I found out to hide sneakily. She sext other women. She did it seem all she could to hurt me, until I up and left. 5 years was a long time and a lot of loyalty down the drain. Dont make the mistake I did. These are red flags. Don't make excuses for him or believe his lies. Being single is not so bad. Seriously would you want your best friend or sister to be treated like guy treats you. Good luck moving forward.
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