A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my guy for years now, been going out for 6. We've had ups and downs, he was deployed a couple of times, long distance, etc., but then we started law school together, a couple years ago. We originally lived together too but that proved too difficult, fighting a lot.We've been working on repairing our relationship, but I panicked early this summer; whenever there's a question of further commitment I freak out. We're going into our last year of school and I felt pressure about him moving back in and then the idea of figuring out where to take the bar, coordinating where we're going to live, whether i want him to be my husband. We broke up for about a week, but I contacted him, because I thought I could be better about things (I tend to be very closed emotionally so we have trouble resolving disputes but I'm working on this). I finally got to a place where there's no one else I would rather live with than him, and I want to live with him and i want to solidify my feelings and strengthen and stabilize us more. I'm trying to get us to a place where I feel comfortable enough to take it to the next level, ie. move with him somewhere new after graduation. The very idea of looking at jobs is making me panic, I get depressed and I have been avoiding it.We see a relationship counselor and he said that we should just take us day by day, but that really...doesn't make sense for us right now. we don't have that luxury because we need to start applying to jobs in the coming months, otherwise a lot of them will be gone by the time we actually graduate. At one point he said to me that he doesn't care if he can't find something and that i'm more important than a job he'd get, which made me feel relieved, but now i'm not so sure it's the idea of us being separated it's my feeling like the implications are i should be one step away from marriage and i'm not THERE and i don't know if i can be.basically i just want to be able to take this whole year to see if I can get to the place of wanting to move off together, but i don't have that luxury of just not applying to jobs in the meantime. My parents expect me to get a job straight out of school, or at least be trying to, and i have no disposable income to do otherwise. part of me, the romantic/idealistic part of me says that i should know by now that if this was my person, that if it were working i would want it to continue, there'd be no question, etc. He is so much a part of me though that I do not know how to do my life without him. to the commitment phobes: how can i tell if i just need more time, and need to my slow pace, or whether i'm just waiting for a certainty or confidence in y feelings that's never going to come?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): From looking through how much your relationship has fluctuated in the past I would say you're not in a place to be living together as your relationship doesn't sound stable. I would recommend you take a step back, take a couple of weeks off from each other to cool off and spend some time with your friends then go out on a date. Spend some quality time together and just talk, not about anything deep or about the past but just a general chit chat. Try to rebuild and remember the reasons why you are together.Perhaps the reason you are both so stressed out is because you're not ready for the committment you're about to make. However, you must question your reasons for this. Are you finding this whole process so stressful because you feel this guy isn't the one for you? 6 years is a long time and of course I wouldn't recommend you leave the relationship quickly however, if you're not willing nor happy to commit you must try and grapple with why? Start from the ground up in your relationship and maybe stay away from the next steps for a while, perhaps you're running before you can walk. 6 years is a long time but every relationship moves at a different pace.
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