A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I don't argue a lot, but when we do, it's BAD. And there is a routine to it that I've been having trouble dealing with. It goes a little something like this: 1) I tell him what I'm having a problem with/what I'm upset about2) He tells me I'm stupid, and that I get angry about stupid things3) He gets mad, and stays mad (sometimes for days....)It doesn't matter if my problem is "stupid" as he says, or something I believe to be very valid, he responds the same way. He has never once talked anything through with me, he just seems to get mad as a reaction to me having a problem. Is this normal? Every guy I've dated before him would at least talk to me about things, reassure me if I needed it, and rarely get mad. Were they just too nice?? I get very confused about this, because if he gets upset I am very supportive and have always been patient with him, and made sure to reassure him so he'd feel better. I want that in return, and have never once gotten it. It's to the point now where the issues I have are never resolved because I am too busy focusing on stopping him being so angry. And he wonders why they keep popping up! Is the way he reacts normal? Am I being too sensitive? Is there a way that I could approach a problem that would make him feel more comfortable to talk things through with me? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (24 May 2012):
Some guys can listen and some guys can't. You have the latter.
When you talk about your problems, guys normally want to solve these problems and really analyse stuff in this manner. Ofc girls just want to talk and express themselves. He thinks that when you have a problem, you are doing damage by talking about it. I guess he just doesn't understand that you just need him to listen. Yes you support him but he doesn't understand what is needed from himself to support you. It wil take a lot of time for him to understand but you should just try to explain that he only needs to really listen to you just like the way you do for him. Do this is a calm and cool manner without reaching his level of anger.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (23 May 2012):
 You are describing the early stages of an abusive relationship (belittling one's partner's issues)... and can reasonably expect it to go downhill from here.
Why not get out early and avoid the heartbreak that this guy will - ultimately - visit upon you?????
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 May 2012):
You know those guys before him, who talked about the problem. They weren't too nice. They were the ones who are normal.
What you have is a guy who's emotionally inept, and who doesn't really care about any problem you have at all. He expects you to be there for him, but he doesn't respond the same way and he never will.
To be honest, if my girlfriend was calling me stupid every time I had a problem, then got mad and treated me this way, she'd be dumped.
I suggest you do the same. I know you'll think that you don't want to, and that he's all great - but he's not. He's not there for you and never will be. And you won't change him. No one can change someone else.
Seriously, this is a sign of disaster. Imagine his reaction if you're ill, or if you're pregnant, or if you've lost your job, of if you have any kind of problem. This will be his reaction all the time.
You'd be mad to stay with him.
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