A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've recently started having sex with my boyfriend. He's had countless of sexual experience while I've had none before him. I'm very open with him and we're both open to discussion and learning. The 'inexperienced' thing didn't bother him.So after the first time we did it, while cuddling, I asked what I should be doing when underneath instead of just accepting him, because it's difficult to move with him so heavy on top of me. He told me I should focus on keeping my body stiff rather so that he doesn't collide painfully into me accidentally.I tried that, and although slightly limiting, it helped and we still had fun. I just stuck to touching him with my hands. But now isn't it the one complaint from most men that they hate girls who 'just lie there'? I'm worried that he'll get the impression that I'm lazy and bad in bed for trying so hard to keep still.The other important thing too: We had sex 5 times and each time was STILL very painful, especially when he went in very deep. I feel like there's a round ring around my hip bones thats putting a limit to his entrance that really burns each time he tries to go a little further. I've heard of vaginismus. But I'm trying to 'open up and relax' as much as possible yet it still really hurts. When I told him about it he tried to extend the foreplay a little more. He'd finger me until I was almost close then proceed but it still hurt. I also don't get wet much (this is normal for me) and I've yet to actually experience an orgasm with him. We used lots of lubrication though.Sex is now getting a little more enjoyable and less painful the more we try, but still, I feel like I'm missing something...P.S. He is not like EXTREMELY well endowed and I've always had a tiny, short petite body.P.S. When we do it with me lying flat on my stomach on the bed it hurts much much less! It's when we do missionary when the pain becomes almost unbearable. We're worried about having me on top because it seems that that way his penis willl only go in deeper, which won't be helpful in our case.Why does sex hurt after 5 times already?! I'm starting to think I havn't been educated properly and that maybe sex alway had an element of pain or took some endurance for females all along?How to proceed? When will sex start becoming fun and romantic and not sore and awkward? How many more times must I endure the pain until it 'fades away'?
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female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (1 October 2014):
 Kissing before sex is a completely reasonable request on your part. I'd recommend suggesting it to him in a way that's flattering, not corrective - let him know how much you enjoy the feel of his lips on yours and how hot that is to you, and I'm sure he'll be more than happy to oblige.
If you are worried about him losing his erection, you can always touch and caress him while he kisses you...
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is away now, but before he left we spent the night together again. We tried it twice and I told him that the pain I was feeling felt wrong and but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I might not be getting aroused enough with him. He seems confident in what he does, but it's not exactly what I want that he's doing.He kisses me, then touches me briefly everywhere before taking off my clothes. He again touches me all over, but as he does this, I can almost feel that he's getting impatient and his one goal is to finger me so that I can get excited. We spend less than 5 mins on our bodies, and about 15 on genitals. The sex lasts long which I like, but then again, for the pain, it doesn't help.I've suddenly now realised that I may not be turned on by him as much I'd like to have be. I find him extremely attractive, I get these lovely butterflies when he stares at me too long and I admire a lot about him. But during foreplay, it takes a little extra effort for that chemistry to spark...why is that?But the real realisation is that I think I'd like him to spend more time teasing me, touching me, innocently and sensually...for long amounts of time before going anywhere near my genitals. I think my problem is that I require a lot of foreplay with clothes on too (like kissing and necking for almost an hour would be nice), but am worried that this will get tiring for him, that he might lose his erection, and that I am weird..?Is a make-out sesh before sex reasonable to ask for? I'm thinking this might help the pain.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (13 September 2014):
He's not going to judge you for lying there if it was his suggestion that you do so, so don't worry about that part. He knows that you're interested in sex and that you want to please him, but that it's still new for you and not comfortable yet either, from the sound of things.
Lube can help a great deal if you don't easily get wet on your own, but make sure your partner is actually taking the time to turn you on too, every time. Arousal in a woman can actually change the shape of her vagina as it gets "ready" to accept a penis, so foreplay isn't just about physically saturating your vagina.
Beyond this, some incompatibilities due to size difference may be things you just have to learn to work around in the bedroom. I'd had plenty of sex before my current partner, but he is definitely the best-endowed man I've been with and two years into our relationship I still find certain positions painful at times. This is actually progress for us, because when we first became intimate I'd bleed from sex almost as often as not - no matter how turned on I was beforehand - to the point where I actually went and saw my doctor about it to make sure nothing was wrong with me.
As I learned, certain positions are more comfortable than others with a "large" partner. It sounds like your partner is possibly hitting your cervix in the missionary position, causing you the discomfort and sensation of an unyielding ring inside you. You can control this feeling to an extent by keeping your hips low and your legs not spread quite as widely during missionary, keeping his thrusts more shallow and the head of his penis away from your cervix, which is not really meant to be pounded on during sex. If you have had your legs up over his shoulders in the past, try keeping them lower as well. My partner hits my cervix without fail if I have my legs up in missionary, resulting in sex that's not pleasant for me at all, but lowering them keeps him from going in quite as deeply and is enough to make the position comfortable for me, too.
As far as your worries about being on top, have no fear. If you are on top and controlling the rhythm of the lovemaking, you are actually controlling the depth of penetration too. Only lower yourself as far onto him as is comfortable for you and you shouldn't feel the discomfort you're describing.
Experiment with different sexual positions and you are bound to find one that works for both of you. Good luck and have fun!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 September 2014):
 A girl's height has nothing to do with the length of the vagina canal. Also the shape and size of the penis will affect which positions feel better than others. He's telling you to not move because it ensures a straight in and straight out move so he doesn't hit the walls. Your vagina has to open up. Lubrication only helps it to slide in easier but if you are still small down there you are going to stretch. You can be horny but not ready down there. If your guy is small down there it won't be a problem but it sounds like your boyfriend is big so you both need to come up ways to accommodate.
I've had partners of different shapes and sizes. It's not about the times you do it. If I am not turned on enough it still hurts like I am a virgin. Sex does have an element of pain, at least for me. It gets better in time. No one can tell you how many times. The largest sexual organ is your brain. You are still growing and learning what turns you on. Don't always depend on him to know what turns you on.
Men complain about women just lying there are those who tolerate the experience, get nothing out of it and hoping it finishes soon. You are eager to learn and enjoy intimacy with him. That's the difference.
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