A
female
age
41-50,
*issy_25
writes:I have this whirlwind "romance" with a co-worker I've only known for two months. It started out as being polite. He's a new staff, I'm old and so I started to show him the ropes. He would say how smart I was etc. After seeing how I work. I would be curious about his culture (diff. Race than mine) and talk about general stuff like that. And then we had a group lunch, which broke the ice. Afterwards, we had a long conversation one day just me and him after work. Just started to spend more time together and he would tease me etc. I would tease back. It was a very happy time. Until I made a move to have dinner with him and he said yes. Because I started to attracted to him. I wanted to explore where this would lead. I wasn't expecting anything. I was using this as a way to either kill the feeling or just lightly enjoy the moment. By then, we both know each of us our both in a committed relationship. Me being married. Him having a girlfriend.Fast forward. Since we've confessed that we both like each other but he doesn't want to have an affair even though he said he would've dated me, I decided to say my goodbye with a "date". Twice. Haha. I was blunt that this is what this last two times will be and I said you could say no. He didn't. We talked about my failing marriage, his bland relationship towards his girlfriend, and the difficult situation that we are both in. We finally held hands. I asked if it was ok and he said yes. We hugged but we never kissed. It was truly the happiest and saddest days of my life. I've never had a stimulating conversation, enjoy really good laughs, deal with problems without resulting to a shouting spree, or just having him next to me calms me, with another man since my first love (whom took me a decade to recover from). I thought my heart will never beat for another again. I married knowing this and my husband knowing this and accepted it. I really don't want to let this guy go but we both know how much of a mess this will be. That day, I know that I love him but I will never acknowledge it because I am married and this could just be an infatuation. It's only been 2 months. I wrote him my goodbye letter and now I will be leaving my jobDuring my "goodbye" period, my husband already knows by then that I don't love him, I stressed that I have been unhappy since we got married 2yrs ago (I was always honest about this) and that I want to leave him. But the guy advised that I should try to make it work first and so I am staying for another year to work this out and my emotions out. And I made a mistake of telling my husband I liked another man and he knows who it is because he felt the change in me when I am alone but smiling and the coldness when I am with him. Presently, we have a promise of seeing each other a year from now to reassess this situation we are both in. I am keeping my distance with the guy(no personal talks unless its work related and i begged him not to tease me at work anymore and he respected that) as I have promised my husband but it is killing me inside. I've decided that if we can't be romantically be together, I want to him to be my friend but not now. Maybe when my attraction for him fades. Meantime, i need your advice: HOW DO I ACT AROUND HIM SO I WON'T RUIN THIS CONNECTION WE HAVE? Should I be cold, not smile, and just give him the cold shoulder until my last day of work? Should I be friendly, not smile (or sad smile) and remain distant?Should I be my normal self, smiling whenever i see him, banter when i feel like it but no further contact after work?I really care about him and everytime i get home, when i am with my husband, i just feel miserable inside. I tell my husband all these and he knows he has failed to see how unhappy i was (even if i tell him all the time) and is trying to win me back. I know i can't be with him because I'm married and I'm deciding whether to go through the divorce or not bec. I do feel guilty leaving my husband. If i stay, it would be merely to honor my promise. There wont be "that" kind of love. And I can probably live with it because he has been my bf for at least 5yrs before this and i have tried to make it work. I hope you guys get my point and tell me how to get through this next 2 weeks till i have to leave my current workplace. I want him in my life, no matter what, as a partner or as a friend, but I want to do it as respectably as I could. I started by being honest to both men in my life. But now I need to handle this. My husband and i are seeing a counselor. But how do i treat "him" for now. I don't want to push him away but i need to preserve my emotions until i work this out with my husband. Until i make the right decision to either leave him or stay. PLEASE HELP ME.The poor guy has been nothing but kind to me and giving. Respecting my distance but always there to make me feel better when he senses it if I'm feeling down. I love him for that.
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female
reader, missy_25 +, writes (3 November 2014):
missy_25 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am back. I'm still struggling with a decision because my husband doesn't want me to leave him DESPITE knowing I don't love him like that. I care VERY MUCH for him like a bestfriend and he said he is scared to be alone. He said there is no reason for him to live. I have begged him to be strong without me but all I feel is I am ruining his life if I leave him.
The other man has admitted that he doesn't want to be a home wrecker and wanted to be out of the picture. I did not ask how he really felt bec. it didn't matter. The point is I am married. He is wise to make that decision. But I know that even without him, my need to be on my own is still strong. I just find it very selfish to do so. I should've filed for divorce before my husband knew what I was up to. Back when I had the courage to do it. Now I'm not so sure anymore bec. I don't know what is right. Marriage is a sacred thing.
I have been seeing a counselor to help me deal with this and decide. I'm a grown woman but I am clueless in these emotional matters. Always have been. I have always been persuaded to do what is right for others thinking it will make me happy. Now I realize that I could live another life but I am scared to ruin other peoples lives with that decision. So I am taking my time to weigh the consequences. I did propose to move out while I'm going through this but my husband won't let me bec. he loves me and believes we can get through this bump together. He believes that we still have a chance and I'm just depressed. He believes he's the only one that can accept me at my weakest moments and love me for who I really am.
I just don't want to look at myself 10yrs from now and regret my life just like how I look at myself now. I have realized what I did wrong in the past and I don't know what to do so I wont make the same mistakes again.
Any thoughts, advice about life in general?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2014): You shouldn't hold on to your marriage unless you genuinely love your husband.
I'm not sure of the point of counseling. You're not trying to save your marriage. The money should be used for legal fees.
Counseling doesn't make you love someone, it helps you to workout your marital problems. The therapist mediates discussion and teaches you how to communicate. Both parties have to be on the same page; otherwise, you're just giving your money away. Going through the motions. You post indicates you no longer want to be married. You're just "living with it." Pretending, for lack of a better word?
The problem with finding a replacement for your partner before you're divorced, is that it only causes complications. Isn't your real question: What do I do with my husband in the meantime; while I really want to be with the other guy?
That is what you're going through right now. Then on top of the cheating, you are falsely misleading your husband to believe you're trying to save your marriage. Instead of allowing him to mentally prepare for your separation.
First things first. It's not only about your feelings here.
Begin the legal proceedings to end your marriage, and deal with that. It is going to cause a lot of drama, and there will be a lot of legal goings-on you're going to have to go through.
Enough with the drama-queen performance and the excuse you can't control yourself. Be professional at work, and honest at home. You were calculating enough to angle yourself into the affair. You managed to get that going without a hitch.
Use some of that maneuvering to navigate your way through a divorce; and to be a professional on the job. That's a matter of self-control and dignity. Use it.
You're watching a little too much drama on TV or soap operas. This is reality. So put the dramatics to rest.
You are a grown woman. Capable of handling this situation like an adult with a brain in her head. Get your divorce started and let your husband get on with his life; instead of babysitting you while you're pining for another man.
Show some degree of respect for your husband's feelings, and the institution of marriage. He remains your husband until the divorce decree is final. So behave within those guidelines until those ties are cut. Use your skills to convince everyone on the job you're a total professional. All will fall into place.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 September 2014):
 Wow, your poor husband.
WHY marry at ALL if you didn't LOVE your husband? And WHY stay another year if you already know that you feel nothing of significance for your husband and never did? Because... it's convenient for you?
And the other guy? He is having this little emotional affair with you all the while stringing his GF along.
Counseling will not fix your marriage, because from what you write you should NEVER have married your husband. You should have WAITED til you found a guy you loved to bits, not just settled for the first guy who asked (or whatever reason you have to marrying him). If you are so dead set on keep "him" in your life counseling is a waste of money. Spend it on a divorce instead.
As for "him" - cut the contact, don't socialize, don't chat. If you see him at work say hi and keep moving. No need for faking being "cold" or act like you are "sad" - this is your workplace for another 2 weeks BE PROFESSIONAL.
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