A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my early twenties and was brought up in a very conservative culture. Sometime ago, I fell in love with someone I met via the internet. Only after we started talking, we realized we were distantly related.A day after two after all those online conversations, he told me that he liked me, and he wanted to carry things further. I was initially a bit scared,but then I seemed to like him too (he was really, really nice at heart), and I said 'Yes'.We started calling each other, and despite the fact that it was a long distance relationship, we became really close.He seemed a very sweet guy, someone I could fully relate to.We had lots of similar stories about our upbringing, and we shared lots of pictures. Three weeks into the relationship, he sent me an IM telling that he 'was not too sure about us'. It was totally out of the blue,and I felt shattered. I had trusted him with all my darkest secrets in such a short while, he had just betrayed me! I decided to do NOTHING about it, because he continued to maintain that he still liked me, but just thought we were rushing things too much. Two days later, being the fickle-minded rat he was he buzzed me saying that he 'really, really liked me, and maybe he should talk to his parents about us'.I said no, because I knew his parents would insist on marriage,and I was not preapred for that since I was still pursuing my studies.That same week, there was a huge bereavment in my family, and I spent the time trying to cope with the loss. I spent the following weeks in my native place, and returned to university at the end of the month to resume my studies.When I went back to university and went online, I realized he was being very, very indifferent with me. THERE WAS A RADICAL CHANGE IN HIM. Here I was, the girl he said he so passionatley loved a few weeks ago, and now he treated me like a stranger.I tried to talk things out, but he just kept giving me rude replies. Things began to get rough. There were frequent outbursts.Four months later, during an occasional chat (after weeks of not talking to each other), he mentioned that his family had wanted him to be married before the end of the next year, and he had agreed. I knew it was the last straw. I stopped talking to him from that minute onwards, and have kept him away from my life ever since. (I put him on ignore in all my contacts list)Lately I came to know he has been engaged to be married to a cousin of his. (Like I said we are distantly related, and there's always family gossip coming in)Now my family, wants me to get married. Nobody except my mum knows about my past relationship. My mum felt upset but didn't take it oo seriosuly since it was all virtual, and we had never actaully met each other.She wants me to get settled in life now, God willing to a boy from a much more broadminded, educated family.But I continue to feel hurt. I continue to feel sad that I once loved someone so much and was betrayed so badly. I feel hurt because I cared Deeply about him, and he didn't even reciprocate it. He never realized how much he meant to me, and how much I dreamt of a life with him. I know for sure that my family will choose someone from a much, much better background. But I feel scared. Will I ever be able to love someone again, without feeling doubtful of the trust ?Will I even be able to trust someone again in my life ? What if I happen to bump into him somewhere, and he comes haunting back into my life ? I keep thinking, what did I do to be treated and trashed away like this ?For weeks after we finally stopped talking, I refused to eat. My appetite was lost. I felt vague. I know I'm better now, but I'm just terrified of another new relationship. What if the new 'someone' betrays my trust too ?When I ever get rid of all that hurt ????????????People, let me know if you can share a few words, that might make me feel better and reassured ! PLEASE !
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cousin, engaged, fell in love, long distance, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 The loss of our "first love" is always the most painful one because you come into the relationship with a pure heart, ready to give love, and ready to be loved and that purest form of trust can never be duplicated again. Yes you will eventually learn to trust again, but probably not to that same degree. You will always have your guard up, just a little. All I can say is thank God you saw his true colors BEFORE you actually got married to him. Time heals all wounds. You have proven your strength now, you can get through anything and still survive. Remember that always. You'll find love again but don't try to fit it into a specific time-frame. That's too much pressure and you're sure to make a wrong decision if you try to live up to your family's marital time-line. It'll happen when it happens, in the meantime, date, have fun and follow your heart. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (26 June 2007):
 Sweetheart the guy was a complete rat so you have nothing to reprimand yourself over.
Yes your families are linked but only distantly.
I wouldn't mind betting that he was engaged all the time he was talking to you and when you backed off due to the family bereavement he was offended. It wasn't your fault and I think these things happen for a reason. Perhaps if it hadn't of happened you may have met up with him and your relationship could have become much more intense so I think it was a blessing that things stopped sooner rather than later.
If you can don't let yourself be pushed into a marriage right now as I don't think you are ready for that.
Do you have to let your family choose your husband to be or can you have any input at all?
Time is a great healer so just give yourself time to get over this and don't rush yourself as he was obviously not worth your time or love.
Take care and keep us posted eh.
BFN
Country Woman
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