A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my fiance 3 years. We had an argument over some petty BS. I wasn't even fighting with him, he just escalated to anger like he always does when we argue, and then says 'F**k this' or 'I'm done' and hangs up the phone, and then usually doesn't call back until the next night. He knows it hurts me when he does this, but he continues to do it. He doesn't even seem to care, he says he does, but his actions say otherwise. When we're not arguing, things are good, but when we do, he pulls a complete 180 and makes me feel like he doesn't care if we broke up or not, he doesn't fight for us, and I'm always the one mending things. I don't want to end this, but I don't want to ever feel like he doesn't love or care for me just cause we have an argument. I feel disrespected, and even when I tell him this, he just shrugs it off. What do I do? I suggested therapy, but as I said I'm done being the one to fix everything, and he wouldn't try to fix anything if I broke up with him. Is it worth it to keep trying? I no longer trust that he won't break my heart again.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (26 May 2013):
Hi there. I guess it really depends on what it is that you both mostly argue about.
Do you find that some subject topics, always result in an argument?
And I am assuming, that you don't live together, only because you said he hangs up the phone, and doesn't call you back till the next night.
Are the arguments always petty?
Or is it more like a difference of opinion, and you just can't agree on some things?
And if a difference of opinion is the cause, well then that's perfectly normal - to disagree sometimes.
You will never always agree on absolutely everything, it is just NOT possible.
And if a difference of opinion always causes arguments for you, it might be that neither of you really listens to the other person's point of view.
And by this, I mean that maybe you each really try and push your opinion onto the other, to try and convince them of your points of view.
And when that happens, people dig in their heels and won't budge an inch.
It's just like a tug-of-war match, with each person pulling in the opposite direction, trying to win them over to their point of view.
And when this happens, each person's position feels threatened, and so they hold their position even more, in resistence.
Do you see what I am saying here?
In times where two people just can't agree, it is simply better to just agree to disagree.
Otherwise, there will always be arguments over silly unimportant things.
And maybe if your arguments are NOT over a difference of opinion, it might just be that sometimes each of you doesn't feel like you are being heard, or truly listened to.
And people can feel frustrated by this, and it will often result in an argument.
Or another frustrating thing in communication generally, is if one person is talking and the other is either talking over the top of them, or else, just continually interrupting them, before they have finished speaking.
If you have ever experienced this, you will understand the frustration of it.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 May 2013):
 He keeps doing what he does for two reasons:
1. You let him. Breaking up is a Nuclear Event, which means that it's not undone when the feelings pass. Breaking up is supposed to be like shooting a gun, or scrambling an egg. You can't unscramble an egg, and you can't call back a bullet. You, on the other hand, are letting him out of the consequences of his actions by letting him unscramble that egg, and pining after him when he breaks up, and taking the "nuclear" out of Nuclear Event. Breaking up is supposed to be a FINALITY, which brings me to the other reason:
2. He uses it to control you. It's his way of winning, of getting the subordination and submissiveness from you, which gives him the power in your relationship. You're walking on eggshells, and when he breaks up with you, instead of doing what you SHOULD do and stay broken up and free to date other men like single women have the freedom to, you grovel back to him over and over, eroding your own dignity and self-respect. You feel disrespected because you do not respect yourself to decide not to let him or any man pull that crap on you.
If he doesn't "fix" things, then why are you in the relationship? And don't give me that whole "but I love him" stuff. THIS isn't love, it's desperation.
Stop fixing things and leave him for good. I don't care if you were a virgin when you met him or whatever. You don't need therapy. You know what you need to do and you're not doing it. Most likely because those sexual bonding chemicals that often show up when it's our first time having sex (it can even happen when it's NOT our first!) turn many women from strong, independent fully-realized and confident individuals to desperate low-esteem grovelling kick-dogs who allow the worst kind of cruel behavior to be allowed on us without so much as a whimper before we run wheedling back to take more abuse with a "Thank you sweetie may I have another?"
I'm being direct with you not because I'm judging you! In fact, I want to shake the shoulders of the many women like you who write virtually the same post on here over and over talking about how to go back for more abuse and fix things, and I'm blunt because 90% of you still keep up the cycle of running back over and over because the sex bond chemicals reduce you to Emotional Punching Bag.
So BE THE 10 FREAKING PERCENT and drop him. If you have kids by him, keep him obligated to their care, but get away from the loser and find a mature guy who won't treat you that way. When you break up with him, mean it. And if you are STILL broken up with him, then find those friends you've no doubt alienated by all the time you've been spending with him and get back out there and get your confidence and cool-factor on!
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