A
female
age
51-59,
*mlyna
writes:I was with a guy for 3 1/2 months. Things went very quickly and we fell in love. He is 38 and I am 41. He is divorced with a 9 year old son and I am single with no children. When things were good, they were great. We were very compatible. The problems came when we had a disagreement and he would shut down and not talk to me. I would then ask "do you want me to leave" and he would flip out and tell me to get the F out. This has happened a few times and then I would contact him the next day and see if we could talk... He would say no and then we would go back and forth on text (immature, I know) and then we would end up back together..... with me saying I'm sorry and him not really seeing how he contributed to the problems. We both agreed that we needed to learn to handle each other better and try to work through the small issues better. The 4th argument happened a week ago and although I was stressed out and a little bitchy, and he got all mad.... he was very tired that night too... and it started escalating a bit... then he said he didn't know what to do and was confused.. I then asked "do you want me to leave" and he flipped out. He called me scum, dirt and told me once again to get the F out (this was in the middle of the night). So, I left and was very upset... He just slammed the door behind me and went back to sleep. I texted him the next day telling him how he hurt me by the things he called me, etc. and he told me that I have hurt him for the last time and that he is sick of me running away. I never ran away... He thinks I run away. I took 5 days for cool off and contacted him to say I wanted to work on things. He was angry and said no and then he starts texting me about television shows (did you watch such-and-such, etc.). I was confused. I just kept it light and then I called him on Friday morning and asked if he wanted to move on because I didn't and he said yes, and that his heart was killing him. I told him that he needs to understand that I wasn't running away from him but rather the situation. He said that two people who love each other work through anything. I know this but he is the one who boils over and throws me out. He was supposed to call me Friday night to talk and instead texted me with "I know I was supposed to call you. I'm not up for talking. I am having a difficult time dealing with everything"... I texted back that I understood and whenever he is ready is fine. I've been left in limbo and it has been killing me. I finally had enough last night of "wondering"... so I tried to call him and he wouldn't answer his phone... so I just texted him and said that I think he has issues he should deal with and that I am no longer going to wait for him. I told him that I have poured my heart and soul out to him and had hopes to work through things and have only been met with silence. I wished him well and said that I have no hard feelings, I just need to move on with my life and not be left hanging. This was closure for me. He texted back "I'm at an F'ing wake!! Dramaqueen!!" I then texted back, sorry but your calling me dramaqueen reinforces the fact that you are cold and mean. That was the last exchange and I need to know how to move on and let go. I know this guy's wife left him with their son and he came home to an empty home (he wanted the divorce too but she was mean). I also know from talking to his sister that he really has some issues with anger.He has told me over and over again that he never loved anyone like he did me and that I was his world. I beg to differ where he shuts down on me and then I have to chase him.... only to have him constantly blame me for the troubles. He doesn't see what he has done or the mean things he has said to me. I, by the way, have never been downright cruel to him.Any help appreciated. Thanks
View related questions:
divorce, fell in love, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, breathless  +, writes (28 September 2008):
respect yourself and dont ever look back,you have made the right decision here he needs proffesional help not a loving woman
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008): This guy has issues, that´s clear. He has to seek an anger management program or something b/c it seems the reason all his troubles is that and nothing else.
I don´t think he does it only with you,but with everyone else. You don´t have the fault that he have those problems.
He is a man who is divorce and maybe that was one of the reasons it didn´t worked out ( there maybe more but definitely that´s one of them also).
If he continues like this it will drag you along and make you suffer. It´s not healthy for you or him, but especially for you.
You are a single girl, with no children and as he said YOU DON´T NEED THAT DRAMA IN YOUR LIFE!
If he doesn´t realize or accept his problem is your decision on what to do. I know is hard, I´m coping on movin on from a painful relationship myself, but I don´t want to ruin my life so as much as I´m cryiyng right now, I know it´ll pass someday, but I have to keep going.
I would recomend you do the same, and if this guy manage to treat his problem and seek for you one day maybe then you can build something, but not now.
Sorry and Good Luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008): Dear Poster
I have empathy with you; I can understand that you are hurting now. You have done the right thing for yourself; you need to MOVE ON. This guy is not treating you with RESPECT; DON'T give in to any temptation to contact him again to sort out things and DON'T ever humiliate yourself to apologize to him again.
No matter how difficult, you will SURVIVE this; he does not deserve your love; by the sounds of it, he needs professional help to have his past issues resolved and to learn how to deal with his anger;
His is using you as a "punch bag" for his anger and unresolved issues and NOBODY has the right to do that to another human being;
Take a piece of paper and start writing down the positives of the relationship; write down what it is about him that you like and value and write down what about him you don't like and what he does that you don't like;
Write down how he makes you feel, the good and the bad;
then write down what you want from a relationship; write down what you want in a partner and see how much you are lacking from this guy in what you want and need versus what you got from him.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect and his is not giving you that;
Look at yourself in the mirror and promise yourself not to "run" after him again; NO, he is taking advantage of you.
Rather be alone then to be unhappy or to be treated like this. You are not his doormat; you are not desperate for him; even if you love him, love is not enough to make a relationship work.
You seem a very fair and level headed person but stop being so kind and so nice to him; stop giving him the power to hurt you; don't allow this. You cannot change him; he needs to get help to help himself to overcome his problems; don't allow him to let his issues and problems affect you and your life.
Stop all contact with him; he needs to grow up and get help to resolve his issues.
See this as an experience in life and learn from it. You will walk away from this the better person; be the emotionally more mature person and let him be!
Start going out with friends and do things that you enjoy.
Best wishes and keep SMILING.
...............................
|
