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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my girlfriend for a year now, and we are both very close and spend a lot of time together. We are both 16 years old. However, recently, things have started falling apart a little - we argue more than ever. However, as much as we argue, neither of us ever go to bed at night without having sorted it out and forgiving the other person. However this is what I have a problem with...When we argue, I am always made to feel like it is me who is in the wrong. Take this for example:Last night, I came across a picture on her friend's profile on the internet of her kissing a male friend who is in her year at school(who I've never particularly liked or known very well) on the cheek. I rang her up to just simply let her know I didn't like it, and that it had upset me a bit. I realise it's not the biggest deal in the world, cas we are both very much in love, which is why I didn't want an argument about it and just wanted to let her know how I felt. However, she started having a go at me for it, saying that I'm too jelous and paranoid "it's only a friend" "he's not my type anyway!" etc... However, I can't help but feel like if it was the other way round, she wouldn't like it - although she says she wouldn't care. She told me she was going to put the phone down, before she turned it into an argument and she just went... So I sat there for a bit, and began worrying. Whenever I bring something up, and she doesn't like it, an argument forms and I can't bear it, so I just begin worrying and thinking it's all my fault.I rang her back, and apologised for even bringing it up. Should I have done this? This happens a lot, and I just wish I had the backbone to not chase her sometimes when we argue and I haven't done anything wrong - but I don't like thinking im in her bad books and she manages to make me feel like I am in the wrong... :-( Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2006): You are being too hard on yourself, hun. So stop apologizing to her for every little argument. Work on your confidence and realize communicating openly is part of a relationship. If this picture of her another guy bothered you-you told her that. How she responded to you was her own choice. You don't have to constantly feel you need rationalize or justify your thoughts and feelings about this relationship. You live in so much FEAR of losing this girl that you risk coming off clingy and desperate, hun. Saying you're sorry is important, but not for expressing how your true, heartfelt feelings. First, one's goal in apologizing is to acknowledge a mistake and re-position yourself as being responsible and sensitive. The problem with apologizing when you don't believe you've done anything wrong is that you perpetuate the cycle of blame. While it's tempting to go for the quick fix—just say you're sorry and be done with it—the under lying issue never gets resolved and you're left feeling frustrated and sad. Begging for forgiveness when you express feelings is defeating the purpose of being in a relationship. Second, it puts the other person in the uncomfortable position of having to constantly reassure you and explain themselves. This is a turn-off. Eventually that person may choose to avoid you altogether. Just work on this and learn to 'discern' when apologies are really necessary. Good luck and Take care
A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (6 March 2006):
 I could say that by the fact that you are male your woman is going to make any argument into "your fault" but im not gonna do that,!!
Sounds like you have a little of the green eyed monster, but that aside, you really need to take a look at your relationship and think about why you argue so much and why of late has this been escalating, is there something going on in the relationship that is causing this.
Does one of you feel like you are falling a little out of love and this is rocking the boat.
Are you clinging on to her even though it is obviouse she makes you feel worthless and in the wrong, because you think you need her and the relaionship, even if it is failing and to me does not sound like a fair and even partnership.
Take a look at what is changing with you too and why.
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A
female
reader, juliagulia +, writes (6 March 2006):
 Well, you have described one instance. In this particular case, you probably were being too possessive since she was just kissing the guy on the cheek and it most likely was completely innocent. So you were right to apologize rather than let it be a big deal. As far as other situations go, I really couldn't say whether you should be apologizing. Honestly, if it is a minor thing you can smooth over by just saying "i'm sorry" even if you felt you were right, it may be worth it to avoid an argument. I think it is good that you are not stubborn and hold out a grudge forever over something small than can be fixed if one person bends a little. But if you feel she is taking you for granted, then you should let her know right away before it gets out of control. Best wishes!
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