A
female
age
41-50,
*hiannon3
writes:I caved and went back to my ex boyfriend. He claims he loves me and our baby. He still doesn’t help out with her. He will be consistent on communication. Then it will be days before he texts me. We are having sex again. Which is not good at all. I do it to please him. I have turned down dates because of loyalty. He has made it clear that he still has no room for my baby and I in the house. When we are together he gives me just enough attention to make me feel wanted. So I second guess my gut feeling and stay. I just don’t get him ghosting me. Am I just his whore as he calls me in bed?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2020): How did this baby happen? Was it planned or does he feel that you tricked him into being a father? Does he suspect that he is not the father and he is the product of you with another man? He should have made sure of good birth control if he did not want to be a father. But the baby is here and he should have learnt to love it and care for it. He holds you both at arm's length and decides how much time he spends with you when it suits him. He will not end this situation, he gets it all to suit him, you give and he takes. What worries me is why you are so willing to give so much to a man who gives nothing at all in return and shows you disrespect?
I will be honest with you, if a man does not respect me and show me that with actions and words he is history, i would rather be alone. I was once virtually homeless rather than be with an unsuitable man who took me for granted and did not pull his weight, and he was a better man than the man you described to me here.
Are you hoping he will change? He has no need to. He gets exactly what he wants. I suspect that if he thought you were leaving and really believed you would end it then he would up his game a bit and make a few promises and
be a bit nicer and reel you in and then go back to being the selfish nasty piece of scum he usually is.
The thing is, if you allow someone to be disrespectful, such as calling you a whore and expecting sex when it suits, and you oblige them, you are behaving the way they want but at the same time hurting yourself. They they disrespect you more and more because they see that you have no self esteem and back bone and allow them to walk all over you. That is something that only you can change. If you had met a decent, nice man then it might have been different, but a nasty man takes advantage.
If you stop giving him sex when he wants or grow old and lose your looks he will go. You should also be making sure you use good birth control now so that there is not another baby or a disease coming your way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2020): I completely feel for you.
This man is not serious about you or your child. I understand you want to be a family and are afraid to be alone. But you are clearly not happy in this relationship. I’m not sure how old your child is, but believe me, they can sense these things from a certain age. And will as the child gets older.
You have turned down dates because of him. One of these men could of given you the love and care you deserve.
He may love his child, but is he a role model? Showing no interest, not helping out with your child, saying he has ‘no room for both of you’.
It seems he wants the best of both worlds. He wants his child and to be a dad, but he also wants his single life with no responsibility. When you make a baby you don’t get to choose when you want to be a parent.
You deserve so much better than this. He will not change and you will get all the more unhappier.
Being on your own is scary. But be brave, for yourself and for your child. You can do it and you are deserving of happiness and love
All the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2020): Oh my gosh OP! Look, I am only 22yrs old, so i do not mean to be disrespectful to you here, but what are you thinking? Why did you come back to this shameful man? NO, you are NO whore!! This man has no room for the baby and you, in his house? He gives you lame unsatisfying sex? Somebody that thought no more of me, than that dickhead thinks of you, would NEVER EVER get between my thighs!! That man isn t worthy to stand by your clothes hamper, hoping to sniff your soiled undies!! Look Lady, you know that you re attractive, because other men are asking you out, for dates! Please know that you, and your child are worth so much more, than this shameful man values you!! I don t want to hurt you Hon, but to him, you are just a hole, to ejaculate in. That does not make you a whore, it makes him a worthless piece of shit, who is no good at screwing either!! Please get rid of him, because he sets a pitiful example of what a man is, for your child, and he is killing your self esteem!! Love Xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 July 2020):
 Yep, I'm with Cindy.
You are not his whore (as you call it) you are however, not REALLY his GF or partner either.
You two broke up for a reason. Those reasons are still valid. He doesn't take care of the child he made with you and he really isn't all that into you.
Was getting pregnant an (pardon for the term) oopsie? Unplanned? Is that why he keeps you at arms length?
Having a child with a guy doesn't mean he will WANT to be a family. Though If he didn't want the responsibility he should have worn condoms every time and not had unprotected sex that could lead to a child.
You live in the USA, go file for child support, WISH his well and focus on YOU and the baby, and then cut all contact with him.
If he is playing nice it could simply be because he hopes by "sort" of dating you, you won't ask for help with the child or child support.
You get bad sex, is treated like you REALLY don't matter all that much to him and you KEEP going back? Why? IS that what you want for yourself? Is that what you want to teach your child? You baby is not going to benefit from a guy who wants nothing to do with him/her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2020): I know it's hard to see it that way now, but you are lucky that he's so open about the place you and your kid have in his life. He's not sweet-talking to you or playing games, making it hard for you to see that he wants what he wants when he wants it without any responsibilities or obligations.
You are not loyal to him, you are afraid of being on your own and what you do not see clearly yet is that in fact you are all alone already and probably have been all alone all along.
You are not ready yet to let go of the illusion. And this can be very dangerous in the long run, since you could waste years of your life. So, before letting go, which can be a difficult move for you right now, dissect your fear and face it.
Some people are happy even with an illusion that there is someone they can rely on, just because that person is labeled as their parent, friend, bf, wife, husband, sibling etc. And they will put up with tremendous amount of BS to keep that illusion from breaking a part, because then they would have to face that the person they think they need is not good for them and then do something about it.
There are many reason for this behavior and fear is always a product of a false believe that there is something we lack, something that this person can give to us (confidence, money, attention, love...). But as grown-ups we should know that we are able to take care of ourselves and our needs and responsibilities. We should be able first and foremost to love and respect ourselves and not look for validation elsewhere.
Ask yourself what do you need to have in order to not feel afraid.
For some women in your position it's a secure job and a support network of loving family and/or friends. But sometimes reasons are more vague and have to do with the inner world (e.g. lack of self-confidence and self-love). The way we are brought up plays the most important role. If you have learned that a woman is nothing without a man and that we should put up with everything (something for the sake of the kids which sooooo wrong, because they will only repeat your mistakes), than what I am writing will make little sense to you. First you would need to break down these basic false beliefs about how the world works.
Nothing anyone says will change your mind in the end, but, try and switch positions. Imagine that it's your daughter in your shoes, your sister or your best friend. What would you tell them to do?
The longer you stay and accept this behavior your false beliefs about yourself get more validated. They are nourished and stronger by the day.
Let's now accept your explanation that you are being loyal. Who taught you that this is what it means to be loyal? How did you learn that you should be loyal to someone who is not loyal to you? If you really believe that it is loyalty, than you need to learn the real meaning and value of loyalty. But if it's not, you need to find out what it is in order to be able to heal and move on.
Do not wait for him to end whatever this is that you have, because he won't. He's getting from you whatever he wants when he wants it without any obligations and responsibilities 5i won't repeat this the third time;)). Why should he leave an arrangement that works for him?
The depth of your problem is best depicted when you say that you are ready to have sex, when you don't want to, to please him. Where did you learn this kind of behavior? Having sex with someone is not the same as preparing him a meal even if you do not feel like it.
Were you abused as a child? Even if your had "only" been yelled at and insulted as a kid, it is enough to teach you to accept whatever someone serves you with, because you will always put others first up to the point where you will completely lose sight of who you are and what you need. But this CAN be learned. You only need the will to make the first step on that path.
I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (1 July 2020):
 He is very clear about where he stands when it comes to the situation. The question is: what do you want?
Do you want commitment? To be a family? To have your baby grow up having a father figure in her life? If you've answered yes to all of that the you're definitely with the wrong man. If he can even be so disrespectful as to refer to you as his "whore" then where is the love? Nobody talks like that to someone that they really love and care for. He's taken your body and used you to the point where you're questioning whether or not you deserve the disgusting lable that he's given you.
If you say that sleeping with him is just for his benefit then what exactly are you getting out of all of this? It seems like all he's doing is using up all of the best parts of you so that he can leave you with nothing left to give to anybody else including your little baby. It's unfair, it's unjust and it's not serving you in any way.
I suggest that you leave him and start creating a life for your child that you can be proud of and start loving yourself again.
Ultimately you will do what it is that you want to do regarding this situation but don't let the battle between what you want to do and what you know that you have to do be lost.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2020):
 Maybe not his whore, but definitely his Friend with Benefits. Or his Casual Relationship, at most ; because he does not act as if for him it's more than that, even if he were monogamous ( which I am inclined to disbelieve , due to his inclination to disappear with no explanation )
Come on, OP, you know better. You made a baby together, but he does not help out with her, and he does not want her ( and you ) under his same roof. His communication is inconsistent, and he can stay days without texting you ( ... which maybe it's not so terrible per se, but when you are a family !, WTF ?! ) . He is obviously nice and cuddly enough when he wants to get laid, but ...out of sight out of mind, or sort of.
I am not saying he must necessarily be a bad guy, but obviously he does not want to take this relationship nowhere as serious as you would like. There's nothing to second guess, there's nothing mysterious. if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck etc.etc.
It's up to you, OP, if the pros of this "fluid" relationship outweigh the cons for you, carry on. If you want something more... I am very skeptical that you'll get it from him.
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