A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with a wonderful man but lately we have hit a bump and I can't seem to rebound from it and furthermore, I'm not sure if I should.We were at the stage where we were getting engaged, moving in together, etc... It should be said now that up to this point it was pretty smooth sailing. For the last two months, for some reason, it seemed like out of the blue I became insecure and suspisious. I had told him that I was going through some internal issues and he seemed more than supportive to help me work through them.Then, long story short.... I found out him and his ex had been talking (not just hi how are you type of talk either.... more flirtatious).I found this out b/c she texted him one day while I was around... I asked some questions and he said she was going through a hard time, she text him the other day but it was nothing. I asked if they had been speaking more lately and he said no... he said that she was needing help getting her locks changed and he passed along the number to her and all he could figure is that she was sucking up now.He was adament about her being in his past and that he would never go back to a mistake like that (she cheated on him... thats why they ended)He also went on to say everything he should have said to make me feel better.Still, something wasn't right. Later that night I snooped in his phones history (yes I know thats a breach in trust) but I found a whole history of conversations btwn the two of them that was very unsettling. Not the worst stuff there could have been been but still.... it was like a combination of nastalgia mixed with flirtation. I confronted him and we had it out then we talked. He said that she reached out to him while him and I were going through a 'weird' time and that they had really only beenm talking more often for a week or so. He told me they actually ran into eachother about a month prior and that slowly started some of the conversations but it was more like 'old friends' than anything else. He said that he did, as a graduation/birthday present, get her a deal on having her car detailed but other than that one time.... he never even saw her.He said that he realized when she text him earlier (when I was around) how he was playing with fire and that he called her and told her it wasn't a good idea for them to talk.He even had her call me the next day and she confirmed nothing was going on. He agreed to tell me if she tried contacting him agiain or whatnot.Its been nearly a month and I've been trying to move past everything but I can't. I keep thinking that the only reason it didn't go farther is that he got caught. THe thing is... I dont have a problem with him being friends with an ex, I have a problem with the dishonesty... that is what's unsettling. Now I can't get past the lie. I gave him every opportunity to tell me the truth and he didn't.I do want to move on and try to trust him again but how can I be sure there are no more suprises. I want to know that all the cards are on the table... I want to feel secure. How do I work past this?
View related questions:
engaged, flirt, his ex, insecure, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Trust is like stacking up blocks. As long as there is honesty on the part of the trusted person the blocks keep stacking up.
However, with one lie or act of dishonesty the entire stack is knocked down and the stack must be started all over again from the beginning.
The sad thing is that he may have had good intentions in trying to hide this from you because although he realized he may be playing with fire, he may also have thought that if he kept it from you, you would not be hurt.
That was wherein the problem has arisen because now you have found out and that compounded the problem because you had to find it out in stead of him telling you in the first place.
Now, if you have the desire to, you will need to allow him time to build up that trust to an accepable level with you again.
Ultimately, though, the decision to give him that time is up to you and you alone are the one that must make that choice.
If you decide not to, then break it off then and there. Don't lag at it because then it would be unfair to him.
I hope this helps. Doc
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): Yeah, in my opinion I think breaking up would have been justice for what he did. How dare he give any other woman that much importance when he is with you? Of course I think you should break up with him. That's unacceptable. But, at this point, you already talked it out with him and pretty much forgave him on the condition that he doesn't do it again. I don't think you should go back on your word. I guess you could change your mind all of a sudden and end things. Why not? I personally would not want to be treated like that. But that's me. I personally think nobody should be treated like that. But if you are going to end things, you have got to be STRONG. And at your age, you have every reason to be as strong as you can. Because you are still young, your beautiful, and you can get any guy you want who will tell any girl to take a hike out of respect for you. That's the kind of guy you want. And they are out there. Believe me. I have been lucky to be with guys who have put me on a pedestal enough so that they would not allow any girl to come between us, or to disrespect the trust and the foundations of our relationship. So if for some crazy reason you think his actions are a reflection of how most guys are, you are WRONG. In my experience, most guys wouldn't do that. That's how I know you can do better and you deserve better. But its up to you. Obviously you want to forgive him and forget about this. And that's understandable...But he has given you some huge red flags into his true character and what he's capable of...So I wouldn't brush this off as a one time thing. Don't be surprised if history repeats itself. That's my advice to you. And perhaps, this all happened BEFORE you got married so that you can avoid making a big mistake. I believe everything happens for a reason. And just remember, you are SO YOUNG. You have so many opportunities ahead of you, with or without him. And you deserve so much better. He should have felt so lucky to have you in his life, that he should have never given that girl the time of day, so as not to ruin what he has with you. But he didn't do that. He took what he had with you for granted and risked losing your trust for HER. What does that tell you?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionokay... this is the 'poster'
To answer sone of the questions... I was okay with him being friendly with his exes... now, that is not the case... at least with this one. He has agreed not to contact her and if she contacts him... he has agreed to tell me. Since, she has text him once... and he told me and showed me... she was actually upset that he was dishonest with me and it seemed that she said not to every contact her again.... but we shall see b/c yes... I agree I think she was reaching back. You see the boyfriend who got a bit violent was the guy that she cheated with when they were together....So yea I think she was reaching back to him... to my guy.
As for the other age question.....He is 38 and I'm 25. Big gap I know but up till now really this has been smooth sailing.
Do you really think time apart will help or should we work on it together?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): I don't know, that is some real shady stuff he's been doing. I am really sorry to hear this. I mean you sound like a very understanding person, you even say that you don't mind him having contact with the exes as long as he is honest with you. I am sure he knew how you felt about that and how easy going you are. So if it was as casual as he claims, he should have had no fear of your reaction as you are so easy going. So for him to hide this from you sounds like he actually did have something to hide.
It sounds like he has some unresolved issues with her but that's not your problem and he should get over it, especially since he has found you and you are fabulous woman and you'll blow her out of the water anyday. By doing this, he has taken what he has with you for granted...
Honestly, if that were me, I would tell him to take a hike. I wouldn't tolerate that for a second. I think it is unbelievably disrespectful. And I would make him see what life is like without me to teach him a lesson. But that's me. Furthermore, I wouldn't want to be with someone capable of doing that to me. That just sounds like lots of heartache in the future.
But as you are asking for advice you probably want to work through this. In that case, I guess you have to "trust" him. Believe what he says. Hope he learned his lesson.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (18 June 2008):
 You are right to be unsettled by all of this. He was hiding his involvement because he knew that he had breached your trust.
The difficult thing is that because he was the dumpee, his position is a bit more precarious. His heart was involved, but now his heart and his ego are involved. Who wouldn't love to hear from the person that dumped Them that they were wrong and have them want you all over again?
The problem with this IS, she could be just stringing him along again, and it's YOUR heart that's on the line AND - HE did show fickleness by letting himself become involved again.
The problem, as you stated, was committed with the deception. He didn't come forward after the first "conversation" and he consequently hid 5 or 10 conversations after that. He helped her, even as a favor, without telling you. There is nothing as irresistible as a "damsel in distress", and this is often used as a manipulative plan by someone who is making a move on a man. But by running to her side, behind your back, he did show that his loyalty is currently divided. Asking his Ex to call YOU after all of this, to assuage his guilt and relieve it at the same time is even MORE manipulative, and shows that she is willing to do anything that he says in order to please him!
I'm not surprised that you are feeling unsettled. I DO NOT Know the quality of his remorse or the content of his character. You do. BUT, if you are planning a lifetime with him, you had better clear this up. I would put the engagement on hold until you do. You certainly don't want to be in a situation where you are raising a family and not knowing where your husband's loyalties lie. People may not talk about it, but there is a certain balance of power within a relationship. Right now, he is in control and being dishonest as well.
I am sorry that this may not be what you wanted to hear, but I suspect that you have your own suspicions; having had write us.
YOU Should Trust YOUR Own Feelings ABOVE ALL ELSE.
I think that you wouldn't have written to us if you weren't unsettled by all of this. You should trust yourself.
Good luck with everything and I hope that things do work out for you.
If I were you, I would DEMAND that he not be in touch with this woman. He is being manipulated because he was dumped. She is manipulating him. There isn't any friendship here. I would not agree to be engaged again until you are satisfied that he is not in any contact with her. It's not paranoia, it's trying to put together a healthy relationship. If he can't figure out which boundaries that he should be setting in his own life, then he shouldn't be surprised when a person who loves him refuses to put up with deception.
People can only treat you the way that you allow yourself to be treated.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): Men get neurotic when facing major life changes. They hesitate, sometimes do unwise things. The question is will he act on an impulse, or is he capable of reining his irrationality in? You are young. How old is he? Twenties? Wait until he is in the mid thirties to 'get him'. Take this as an opportunity for re-evaluation of your emotional and financial commitment.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): You both need to rebuild confidence and trust in this relationship... you not trusting him is not healthy. You need to take time off and re-evaluate your relationship.
...............................
|
