A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a disability, cerebral palsy. Unlike some other people with cerebral palsy, I am not in a wheelchair, I run my own business.I have been exchanging messages with a girl on Match.com now for three weeks (only small messages.)So:1) When should I mention I have cerebral palsy?2) How long should I wait until I ask her out for a drink? (Bearing in mind she lives in Crawley, West Sussex and I live in Kent)? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf I still live with my partner, and am going through a messy divorce, I wouldn't go on a dating site!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 May 2013):
 I'm so sorry OP but it sounds like she HOPED she would be able to find someone to distract her from her divorce and now she realizes it's not fair to you.
I would not get my hopes up with her any more.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 May 2013):
 Sad as it may be, it's probably best to assume that nothing is going to come of continuing to make contact with this woman. Best wishes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's quite hard for me to walk away!
She told me also that she is going through a messy divorce and that she 'can't do this anymore'
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 May 2013):
Hi, every time you receive an answer, including the ones you post yourself, you will be notified. So you aren't missing answers, you are just being notified that you have a response, including the ones YOU post. Hope this helps clear up the confusion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat I meant was that the answers weren't displaying at all!
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Hi
I just read your update. You have a right to be disappointed. She has not been genuine with you. Perhaps she's dis-satisfied in some respects with her life. But mis-representing herself to you was wrong.
Block this time waster. There are other girls out there who are unattached, are available and are not liars.
Plus she online dating, but still lives with her guy, so she's proved that she'll cheat as well. All she's been doing is testing the waters but her efforts are not sincere since she's not yet single.
Another nicer girl is out there for you.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 May 2013):
HiI like that you've been very active in providing follow-ups. That usually helps those who answer the question to provide the question asker with good answersBut can you please explain more about what you mean, when you say you dont 'get' an answer?Is that a complete rejection of the advice?Is there a particular answer you are seeking where that will be the only acceptable answer?I think it is fantastic that you've already broached the issue of your disability. Well done on being so forthright.If you had not already done that I would have suggested that you raise the issue of disabilities. And suggested questions such as: ''how do you feel about people with disabilities?'' and ''what do you know about cerebal palsy?''But you have already overcome that hurdle.After talking to her you know better who she is. You now know if she is open-minded, non-judgemental and accepting.Or not. From your accounts she sounds intelligent, like you.But do ask her what she is looking for in a man before you make the effort to meet her. Get her to clarify her thoughts.Because it would be horrible to travel a long way to meet her, and get your hopes up, only to find that she's not the woman for you.Can you web-cam talk to her?Your sense of humor will help you in gain ground in any relationship. People love a good sense of humor.And clearly you are very capable - you run your own business. That takes determination, commitment and stamina. All admirable qualities. And intelligence, which you clearly do have.If things are progressing well then perhaps arrange to meet her in London? Public transport can get you there.Meet for coffee in the afternoon. Sit down and get to know her.And if you do meet up in London? So what you can't drive? Some amazing talented people cannot drive. Besides, sitting in the back of a cab gives you opportunities to talk to a girl and get to know her as you travel from A to BGood luck withthe future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm quite disappointed she wasn't honest with me from the start - I did know she was separated, but not that she was living with her spouse!
I have got to like her, and that is why we are still messaging.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not getting any of these answers!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 May 2013):
YOu need to WAIT till she is no longer living with her estranged husband. At this point she is legally married and living with her spouse. Something she should have told you from the get go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe latest update is:
Her reply:
I honestly don't know what I am doing in the half term yet. My turn to be honest - I am separated but still living with my husband so we have a whole mess of trying to sell etc that is taking up most of my time and energy.
We are still messaging each other, but what shall I do now? Half-term is in 2 weeks, so should I remind her in a week or so, or should I just leave it, and maybe invite her for my birthday gathering?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't get that answer!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose I could do, do you not think asking her again will be a tad too much?
If not, I have a comedian coming to meet me Sunday, I could ask her up for that!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 May 2013):
why wait till half term? why not ask about this weekend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSomething strange happened this morning:
She told me about her weekend in a message, but didn't say anything about my question (maybe its because I asked her for half-term, and thats 3 weeks away!) Should I ask again soon?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Best of Luck :) all the happiness in the world to both of you :)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2013):
Yes to me it would be important to know you did not drive. but you can explain it quite naturally by saying when you make the plans, I don't drive so can we meet at such and such a place which is near the train station...
My girlfriend is married to a guy who does not drive. It was NEVER a deal breaker for her and it would not be one for me either.
OP I know you are nervous... and I know you must really like her and that's GREAT... I just want you to RELAX and enjoy it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't get that last answer!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think it's quite important to tell her I don't drive, even before she replies. What do you think?
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (1 May 2013):
Dear OP -
congrats and I love how you added some humour!
I'd also go with so-very-confused and offer to meet her close to public transport :)
Now I wish you both a great date!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 May 2013):
Sure... you can ask... but I would not ask her to pick you up...
offer to meet her but tell her you need it to be close to public transportation (if you do, I know if i did not drive walking would be difficult for me so I would need to be close)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShould I ask if she drives?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 May 2013):
GOOD LUCK and keep us posted!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I have just bitten the bullet - I said 'You're a great girl and I want to know you better. I know you are busy, so I was hoping you would take me up on my offer to buy you a drink in half-term?' (She is a teacher).She lives in one county and I live in another county. I don't know if she drives, I don't, but I am willing to 'train' it.The agonizing part now is waiting!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 May 2013):
STOP OVER THINKING THIS OP!
you told her in a most lovely way
she responded in KIND
IT sounds like it's going WELL
how far apart are you guys? what's the transportation issue?
why can't you just ask her for dinner or a drink next weekend????
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI rather cheekily put (roughly) 'I have cerebral palsy, im not in a wheelchair, just a bit wobbly - (everything on my body works lol)
Then she emailed back and said 'Hahahaha love the parentheses - no of course I don't mind).
As I have said, we have been messaging back and forth for a month now - how shall I ask her for a drink (she's a teacher so I am thinking maybe half-term). (That is the second big hurdle after telling her my disability - asking her for a drink)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe mentioned Twitter and Facebook.
I asked her if it was too soon to add her.
She said 'To start with, Twitter'.
I don't want to push a meeting on her too much yet?
I have read all your comments so far - what do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): female reader did you actually read my post or his for that matter?
1. She's not his partner in any sense of the word. If she was then he wouldn't need to be here.
2. I said confide in her not us, her, because guess what, that's what you were talking about too. I was talking about the concept of not needing to tell everything to your date the minute you meet them.
3. Of course the topic has relevance to him, again read what I said, it has no relevance to his ability to date.
Who posts a reply while completely ignoring or failing to understand even one word of what that person posted? Really? :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): "Would asking her for a drink be too early and too forward?"
No, it's been three weeks. That's enough I'd say. Unless you want to get to know her better online first in which case you just start asking her more about herself in your messages. I prefer in person.
But how? Two choices, a confession "just thought you should know" type thing, or mention it in passing in a story "I'm good, just had biyearly my check up for my CP and everything is fine."
Whichever you feel most comfortable with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): @ Cerberus
'Confide in a person you've never even met or had any meaningful conversations with? Really?'
The OP has never met us yet he has'confided' in us AGONY AUNTS UNCLES about his CP, I think he knows his partner a little better than us , the fact that he has asked this question, says the topic does have relevance to him, who ask's a question that has no relevance? Really? :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou.
This decision is quite hard for me, as it's going to be obvious that I have a disability, taking all your replies into consideration I think I should tell her, but how?
Would asking her for a drink be too early and too forward?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): "Would you be dissapointed if she held things back from you...if you feel you can't confide in her then is she the right one?"
Confide in a person you've never even met or had any meaningful conversations with? Really? You tell every date everything on the first date? How old you were when you had your first period, whether you prefer tampons or when the last time you wet your bed was? You tell them you like to be spat on during sex or that you had Chlamydia when you were 18?
Anon we all keep things to ourselves while dating and let people now what's relevant when it's relevant. His disability is irrelevant to his ability to date and be a good partner. He has nothing to "confide" in the way you say and no one confides in a person they don't even know yet anyway. I guess if you can't confide to a guy on the first date that your latest period in particularly heavy and crampy then he's not Mr. Right then?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): I would tell her or arrange to meet, this should be of no issue as you have nothing to hide and obviously have a good quality of life, so why not tell her?
When entering a relationship been OPEN about everything is a good idea (in my opinion)
Would you be dissapointed if she held things back from you...if you feel you can't confide in her then is she the right one?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): "He is honest about some difficulties of a product, but he puts emphasis on the qualities that make the purchase worthwhile."
Exactly, but CP isn't supposed to be a "difficulty" of his product. I don't think he should approach it as such. Why highlight it as a thing at all? CP is not who he is.
Look I have no experience of having to date with something I feel I must disclose, the whole idea of dating is to find those things out, if I can get them to talk to my face I can get them to look past the fact that I'm short and bald, and I have done all my life. I don't do internet dating and never had to, I make my pitch in person and even the women who swore they'd never date a bald guy did end up dating me because of who I was as the person in front of them.
My fiancée never dreamed of getting with a short bald an fat at the time guy, yet here I am. She honestly never would have given me a chance if we started off together with me announcing those things. Not only would they not be what she'd ideally want but it would make me sound insecure of those things.
I never felt the need to disclose I'm bald, it's not an issue for me so it shouldn't be an issue for them and if it is then that's not my problem, onto the next one.
Your weight analogy is flawed, that guy displayed himself as thin that was a deceit, the OP didn't display himself as not having mild CP.
Now while you say you'd not have a problem with dating a person with CP why then would you feel awkward or afraid of saying something stupid? You think forewarning would stop you feeling awkward and weird?
I found a guy with CP who wrote about his experience and I agree, he shouldn't introduce himself as Mr. Cerebral Palsy, simply Mr. Smith.
http://lifeofthedifferentlyabled.com/2012/online-dating-and-cerebral-palsy/
"I don’t think cerebral palsy should require disclosing. Instead I think a disability serves as an element that’s simply there."
I agree completely.
Personally I'd prefer not to know, I dated a girl with a Neurological disorder that meant she'd stop talking mid sentence and say "AAAMMMMMMMMM" really loudly, and had slightly slurred speech. Drew stares and all that kind of stuff. If I'd known about it I may well have just not agreed to date her, but I met her in person, was tied into a date with her and had a lovely time with her, the disorder didn't bother me in the slightest and she was perfectly comfortable talking about it when I asked.
If anyone feels it's going to be such a shock that they need a "warning" then they're not worthy of dating anyway in my mind. But I see no reason to put people off by defining yourself that way. I think if she'd told me about it beforehand then it seemed to be too much of a sticking point. Why did she feel the need to "warn" me? Id it really going to be that much of a problem for her to date me that she needs to put it that way?
I'd rather go into the date waiting to meet the person, I don't care whether they're in wheelchair or walk with a limp. I'd rather find that out when we meet so at least I get to spend some time with that person and truly get to know who they are.
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female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (27 April 2013):
Dear OP,
I would agree to those that say reveal it rather before a first date. As an online dating woman, I would still go on a date with a guy who tells me about his CP. But if I didn't know it in advance and would be surprised by some obvious symptoms, I don't know if in that moment I'd be baffled and would say or do something stupid or would feel insecure about whether or not to find it okay this was not revealed to me earlier on.
It's a similar thing with weight perhaps: One guy posted a pic of him when he was quite fit, but when I met him, he had gained about at least 20pounds since he last took the picture. I would have dated him even if he had posted a new picture, but he made me expect something else and so there was a moment of disappointment or irritation.
I don't agree you should make the "hook" and then the pitch like that.. a salesman who's got a good product to sell does NOT need to hide some minor flaws. He is honest about some difficulties of a product, but he puts emphasis on the qualities that make the purchase worthwhile.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (27 April 2013):
I would add my voice to those saying that you should reveal it sooner rather than later. There’s no way you can do this without some risk-a brilliant article was recently published on this site around this subject and I cannot recommend it highly enough. She might lose interest, but then if she couldn’t accept the disability that’s something you’d inevitably find out at some stage anyway, best before you get too emotionally invested in to anything.
But think about it, she already has started to get to know you, and form a view of you, based on all the other things that define you. So if you now go on to reveal a disability, you won’t be leaving her open to making her own judgements about what you can, or couldn’t, do.
Arrange to meet up soon. By train you might have a bit of a journey as you might need to go in to London and back out again, but by car it won’t be too bad, depending on where in Kent you’re from. Maybe look at a halfway point for you both?
IF I could break my rule of never talking about myself on this site just the once, I have never hidden my disability or not told some-one I am going to meet (for whatever purpose), about it. It is visibly obvious in my case and it’s always felt unfair to surprise people and expect them to just know what to do, or what to say. My normality, for them, is a profound contrast to there’s. And from my own viewpoint, there are ways to disclose it that could stop an open-minded person defining you by what’s wrong with you, or being put off by fears of all the things you won’t be able to do. The article I refer to, speaks of helping people to understand what additional help you might require to allow some-one to get to know, and date you. It assumes you are worth getting to know and taking a chance on, which is a very empowering way to think if you can. It assumes people will want to know how they can help, so that they can find out about you. I don’t think that’s a million miles from the truth as far as the good people out there are concerned.
I wish you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): OP from what I've read of CP and dating it's best to say nothing at the start which is the approach you've taken initially.
I'd wait until you had reason to say it OP, not whether you think she'd want know. She'll see it for herself when you go on a date. You're best off waiting until then.
CP doesn't define you, best to give people with little experience of it the chance to meet you in person. That way you have a chance to rid them of any misconceptions they may have. They'll get to see the man that you are, not find out behind their computer, go search it and see mainly the severe version come up and judge you based on that.
If you're worried that some women, including this one, are put off by the fact you didn't state it on your profile or before you met her then they're not exactly the type of women you want, no great loss. So who cares what they think? And they can pay for their own dinner. You want to ideally date women who aren't going give a damn, but that's no reason not to give the 'undecided' a chance to meet you.
OP dating is like sales, you start with a hook so you can make your pitch. Make your pitch in person.
I have no disabilities but I far prefer to meet in person pretty quickly. I want to get to know the person without google at the ready, five other conversations going etc.
I want their full attention and they mine so we can properly get to know each other, body language, their real face, voice, size, and how they interact with others in person is very important to me.
So you have perhaps an hours drive to go see her or more? I'd ask her soon enough and see if there's any fun events happening you can take her to.
Best to check her out in person soon and see if there's something there.
FYI: There are specific CP dating sites around, maybe they'll have user experiences or guides on them for dating with CP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): Ive done some online dating, and I would mention it sooner rather than later. I remember one guy who told me he went on an online date and realised his date was in a wheelchair and he left after 30 mins. He was small minded but he did not know beforehand (he was still a prat tho).
If its an issue for her, shes not the one for you, if shes open then she will be open about meeting up too. Its best to reveal this sooner, rather than weeks of weeks of emailing only for her to perhaps mention that its an issue.
I would meet up soon too, Ive met up 3 to 4 weeks after first email. I guess why wait too long?
Good luck.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 April 2013):
I think you should ask her for coffee soon Very soon. not sure how far Kent is from Crawly but if it's doable meet up
Do you require assistive devices to walk? CP can manifest itself in many ways and I think that the level of your "impairment" will depend on when you tell her... NOT very noticeable in looks/speech/gait.... tell her at the first date... after you say hello and sit down you can say
"you may have noticed I [insert how your CP shows to others (a limp, a stagger, a speech impediment) and I just wanted to let you know that it's [how you normally explain your cerebral palsy)
FWIW I had a great friend when I was about 6 who had CP and i had NO clue that was the issue. I just thought she walked a little funny and had a crooked arm...
I am mobility impaired but mine is from degenerative disc disease I got later in life, I don't even think too much about it or my ADHD that I have had since birth since they do not define who I am or how I am but rather they just explain some things... I had to be taught to say
Hi I HAVE ADHD not HI I AM ADHD...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): One of my friends has CP and my brother met her when she was sitting down and they were chatting for half an hour. Later on she walked into the kitchen, at which point her disability became apparent. He told me he was glad I had not mentioned it, and that he spent a while chatting to her, just seeing her, not her disability. Otherwise he said he wouldn't have been able to help himself making allowances and thinking of her cerebral palsy, instead of her as a person. She never sees herself as someone with a disability and ive never heard her explain it to anyone. I have no idea how this helps you at all, sorry, as it's a totally different scenario! Anyway best of luck.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (26 April 2013):
I would bring it up sooner rather than later. As silly as this sounds, it will either matter, or it wont, so might as well find that out as soon as possible.
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