A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I know it depends on a lot of factors, but can someone give some sort of a general timeline on the appropriate time to wait before having sex with a new partner? I was in a long term relationship for several years all of which I thought we would eventually wait to get married, so we were waiting for that. It didn't happen. The next guy I fell in love with didn't know I had waited, but also said when he found out that he thought we'd probably end up together and since I'd waited so long already, we should wait til we were married. Well, I'm not married to either of those guys and physical expectations/timelines in your mid 20s are much different than those in high school! I'm no longer a virgin, but I'm finding it difficult to know how long to make a guy wait if you want him to respect you. On the other hand, I don't want to make him think I'm not into him, by making him wait too long.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 A guy who is genuinely interested in you will be willing to wait a long time before having sex with you. Don't think that having 4 or 5 or ever 10 dates without having sex is being a 'cock tease'. You're 100% entitled to have sex when you want, it's not something you 'owe' after a certain period of time in exchange for dates, company, attention or whatever.
Having said that, if you really like the guy and feel like you have something good going, then there is no reason to string things out. Only you can be the judge of that.
I would certainly agree that sleeping with the guy right away is a good way to turn him off. Many guys (not all) will jump to the (often incorrect) assumption that you'd act like that with any other guy, which makes you 'easy' and not 'a catch'.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): I think that the first date definitely makes you look like you are too easy. After that, it depends on the guy. One guy may think that the 2nd date is fine, whereas someone else might think that you are easy if you go to bed with him on the 10th date. I am personally in the 2nd or 3rd date camp, but only if you like the guy, at least a little. How long a guy will wait for sex also depends on the guy. If he gives up on you if you don’t give him sex on the first date then he isn’t worth the relationship anyway. I guess I would have been willing to wait probably about 10 dates when in my 30s if I likek the woman. Beyond that I might have kept dating her if I liked her, but might have been looking elsewhere also.
The next thing to understand is that the number of sexual partners does not necessarily translate to experience. My wife had 10 sexual partners after her divorce, but still had little experience. She got screwed a lot by 10 different guys. I had 4 other partners after my divorce and learned a little from one of them. However, we learned at least 10 times as much together as we had learned with others. That is because we became comfortable with the other and were willing to experiment and fail at what we tried sexually. By failure, I mean that it hurt her or it was uncomfortable for one of us. It is also nice to know that we learned most of the enjoyable things about sex together.
I do think that it is good to have had more than one partner, so that you can be confident that you will not wonder if you could have done better at a later time. This is both sexually and at all the other aspects of a relationship. There is good and bad in having had 10 or more past partners. You can pick any other number that suits you. The good is that the person can be pretty sure that if their final partner is better than what they have had then it is unlikely that they could have done better. The bad is that one or both of them will feel hurt or regret at having had a large number of previous partners. It depends on the 2 people involved and what they were taught as youths as to what is right and wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): ***************UPDATE**************************
I originally asked to question but didn't write the title, which ended up not being the question. I am no longer a virgin, which means I have no real desire to wait till marriage anymore. That wasn't the question at all! I appreciate your comments, but in case I get more responses, I wanted to clarify.
I want to get some sexual experience at this point because I have little compared to most of my peers. I also do not want to be with too many people because that is very unlike me. I guess I was wondering two things.
At what point are you considered a cock tease causing a typical guy who is genuinely interested to give up on you?
and
How soon makes you look like you are easy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): If you want to have sex with him on the first date and you both want to then that is fine. If you both want to wait until marriage for moral reasons or whatever, then that is fine also. It is your decision.
Now to my opinion. I think that younger people should wait much longer than people in their 20s or older. Those in their late teens should wait several months as a minimum. I don't believe that those in their early or mid teens should be having sex at all. Those in their 20s perhaps a few dates and those that have been previously married or in long term live together relationships on perhaps the second date. Again, these are just my opinions.
I personally do not think that it is good to wait until marriage. I have read a couple of questions on various boards where a couple decided to wait until marriage and then discovered that there was a problem with their sex lives. Major problems, like one of them having zero sex drive and desire for sex. There was one woman who was very unhappy and frustrated because her husband had no desire for sex and never wanted to do it. She said that she should have suspected that something was wrong because he seemed to have no trouble rejecting sex before marriage, whereas it was very difficult for her to restrain herself.
I also believe that a person can learn a lot about their partner during sex. People tend to let their guard down while in the passion of sex and show their true self. For instance, my wife had a fair number of boyfriends before me after her divorce. She said that most of them only cared about their own enjoyment and just wanted to get to bed and screw after getting home from a date. If they are like that when dating, they are not likely to change much after marriage.
Again, it is your decision and your decision is the correct decision, whatever it may be. I hope it is the right one for you.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 I don't think anyone can say when the right time is as it is down to the two of you.
No you don't want to jump in bed on the first date and on the other hand you don't want to make the guy think you are not at all interested.
It is a very hard answer to give as everyone is different, it really does depend on how close you feel to the other person and whether they expect sex early on, if that is the case then I think you know that this person is literally only after one think.
On the other hand if you have been out with someone for several dates and you feel extremely close then intimate times can be just that without full blown sex, you know if you feel confident about taking it further or not and whether spontaneity (not sure if that is how you spell it), kicks in.
Passion can take you in all different directions but I think you know when the time is right.
I would in this day and age need to know more about someone before I let them sleep with me as you don't know if they are a habitual bed hopper and it is too risky to have sex without protection. Perhaps discuss with someone new about their previous relationships and get a feel for whether they stay with someone for long periods of time or whether they have a new girl every week or month. It is getting to know the new person well enough as to whether or not you feel trust in letting them get close enough for sex.
Don't on the other hand be a prick tease as that can give you a reputation as well so just relax and get to know someone new first before going for sex.
I think if you wait for marriage you could have a long wait as no one wants to buy a new car without trying it out first so to speak.
Just trust your own gut feelings I think is the best answer.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (19 March 2008):
 Marriage!?
I may be wrong but I think it goes something like this (apologies to C.D.):
I met this girl on Monday
took her for a drink on Tuesday
we were making love by Wednesday
and on Thursday and Friday and Saturday we chilled on Sunday
So that would be day 3.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (19 March 2008):
 I'd wait until marriage, but if you don't want to wait till then, then at least wait 2-3 months before, so he doesn't think you're a slut.
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