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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I left my boyfriend of 3 years for another guy, who I am now extremely happy with, but I never told my ex about the other guy (from the advice of others telling me it was more than he needed to know)... Thing is, its been 2 weeks and I know he isn't over me and I am worried he thinks we still have a chance even though I've told him otherwise (e.g. he thinks i'm single, alone and miserable and will come back to him soon enough which unfortunately isnt true - truth is I hadn't been happy for ages and had fallen out of love with him even though he was still in love with me). We have a lot of the same friends so he has to find out about my new guy eventually so for this reason he is still a secret from most of them which is quite frustrating! He also kept asking if there was someone else and I kept saying no. I hated lying to him but people keep telling me it will hurt him soooooo much if he finds out and that he doesn't need to know. So the question is, when should I tell him? We have been split up for 2 weeks...and I was thinking perhaps in a month? Or is that too soon? Because I want him to find out from me and not one of our friends. What do you think?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): If I was you I rather tell him that is over and your happy with someone else rather than letting him wait there... To him your relationship is not over yet - the fact that your telling him lies.. If you want to end it just tell him everything about the guy and he'll definitely leave you alone cause he'll think is pointless loving you when you have already fallen for someone else.The more you lie to him about you being miserable and not seeing anyone that giving him hope for a new beginning which you don't want cause he rather see you with him than you being alone and still waiting for the right guy to come.. Just tell him that guy has come and I swear he'll leave you alone... Hurting him will only give him the strength to move on. Well it takes awhile... but he will get stronger and find some else like you did... put your self in his position...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): Good to get a followup from you, dear. Bear with me here, I have more to tell you. And I am telling you all this, and this comes from my heart. You really need to stop being a people-fixer, here. I understand you don't want this ex bf to think badly of you, nor do you want your social group to think badly of you. But, you have chosen to end a relationship with an ex whom you state gets bitter and resentful. When I hear that about an ex bf I think of one word...dependent ...was he? Was he in love with you, simply because he felt, you gave so much to him? He has a right to be hurt but not angry and bitter. Angry-bitter tells me that the love you shared gave him a warped sense of entitlemnt to YOU. Hate to say this..that is unhealthy an no one is entitled to control other people's lives, simply because they've been dumped and they are reacting badly. You sound frightened about his reaction . How sad that this 'fear of his reactions and behaviors' dominate and are such a huge force in your life. That alone takes a lot away from your present happiness with the new guy. You owe the old bf 'nothing'! No explanantions...nothing, hun. He needs to buck up himself, and be decent about this. It's probable that your ex bf's character traits (anger, bitterness) were something, that drove you away in the first place. You did the right thing for 'you'...you escaped all that. Now get on with your life, and if your friends are upset about all this...then question their friendship qualities and ask if they value your decisons and are truely in your corner.. Stay steady and be strong about this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): Thanks Irish. I think a lot of what you said is true, about me feeling guilty and worrying too much. I do feel guilty because we had an amazing relationship and gave everything to one another. I fell out of love with him and I feel guilty for that. Because I guess I still care about him (it was only a couple of weeks ago remember) and want to make things easier for him.
So on the one hand telling him would be a good thing if it allows him to move on and on the other hand it will crush him to a million pieces!
But you're right, I need to stop worrying and put him behind me. I wish I could scream from the rooftops about my new guy but the friends I have told have told me definitely NOT to do that, I guess it is hard having mutual friends as they are only used to seeing me and my ex together and they dont want to see him hurt either. I do care about what people think too much though...sigh.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): Hi, I'm the original poster, Just wanted to say that there is no way he will find out, I have only told a couple of close friends and we all live in different towns now so theres no way anyone else will find out until I want them to...But yeah it still might be better to tell him. Also he can be a really bitter and resentful person when he wants to be so I know he will take it hard, and will say nasty things to our friends about me etc which I don't want... :( hmmm
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): You have an ex bf, who is in denial and blind to this break up and why do you feel like a failure, simply because you broke it off with him. You have told him it's over, and if he 'chooses' not to believe you, then I can't see how worrying about his feelings is going to help his case. He needs to get there all on his own. Leave him alone to heal and recover and you need to stop agonizing over whther he finds out about this from anyone else..you have nothing, absolutely nothing...to feel guilty about. Get on with your life and be happy in your new relationship, dear!I need to also say, that you seem to have a pointless formula in your way of thinking, that makes you think..that you are questioning your right to leave this guy. Stop undermining yourself this way! That's so typically female and your sensitivity about hurting others (this ex bf) is dragging you down and causing unecessary guilt and worry. I don't think you have to tell him anything. But your desire and need to tell him, tells me... that your sense of self and value you place on yourself, is measured way too much on outside acceptance from this ex and others. This problem is yours and you need to be stronger. You need to understand, that you are an individual with her own, wonderful life. one that has the right to break up and date anyone she chooses and conduct her life in away they see fit. Give permission to yourself to be this way. And understand, hun...there is absolutely no nicey-nice, happy way to break up, especially if you are the dumper. Millons of people globally, break up and move on, daily. Ask yourself this. If your ex bf were in your shoes, would he be suffering this worry/guilt like you are? Generally, males don't, believe me. Feamles agonize waaay too much over this. Break up are not easy, people do get hurt..that is just the way it is. So now, you told the ex once and if he chooses to be in denial and not believe, then so be it. It's done, it's over. There is nothing more you can do for him. If he finds out about it...then HE deals with it. Cut all contact with this ex bf, as he's still grieving. He needs space to recover and heal and he will get there. Don't carry this guilt around anymore. Get rid of these feelings of angst and for goodness sakes, quit hiding the new guy. Scream it from the rooftops that you two are dating, and let him totally into your life. By doing this you are showing the new guy, you respect 'his' feelings and he is incredibly important to you. That is much more important here, isn't it. Carry on with having a happy, great time with the new bf...be strong, girl. Take care and good luck.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Personally i would avoid telling him you met someone before you split with him. You've ended it with him, theres no need to rub salt into the wounds. I agree with your friends there.
Wait a bit longer, then let him know you have started seeing someone.
I dont see why he would think you are alone and miserable, unless you had told him that, and thats as bad as cheating on him. Be honest about your feelings, and that it wasn't working for you. Thats life and he needs to face that and get over it. Its not fair to let him think you might get back together. Atleast if he knows that you are sure you made the right decision, he can atleast start getting on with his life.
But telling him you cheated on him, is just plain nasty in my opinion, when theres no need to be.
Maybe others will disagree though.
C xxxx
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 If you share the same friends you have to tell him now.
Otherwise one of your friends will tell him. You cannot keep this a secret , someone will find out.
You are under no obligations to him as you are no longer dating.
But the sensitive thing to do would simply be to tell him that you have met someone else. He will take it hard, but you have already split up so really it is none of his business anyway who you date.
It is best for him as well, if he is just waiting for you to come back to him, the sooner he knows that you have found someone else the better.
good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): Your friends are right. It ISN'T any of his business. It sounds like you still care about this guys feelings so I would wait as long as you possibly can. Don't put a time limit on it. When he does find out I would lie to him about when the relationship started. It would hurt alot more if you make him think that you left him to be with this new guy.
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female
reader, sex-slave  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 It is best to find out from you than someone else no one likes it when a third party has to tell them something like that or anything for that matter...
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