A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:where do you guys think a dating relationship between two mature adults should be at the end of the third year of dating? do you think we should be engaged? do you think we should be planning a wedding? how long would you recommend waiting before giving an ultamatium or putting some pressure on him?thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): I'm assuming that you're both at least in your mid-20s if not older.
I think that three years isn't necessarily such a long time to just be "dating" or even living together. But it does get kinda stupid once you've been together & exclusive for 6-9 years or something and you still haven't even declared an engagement.
Everyone's got their own speed for these things.
I'm a male, and I personally think a lot of men are moronically intent on staying single for no reason. Single has its place, but marriage is just a piece of paperwork after a certain point. Some guys insist on staying single on paper even when they've been functionally married to the same woman for many years already. (It gets even stupider when the couple has already got several kids together as well but they still insist that they're "not ready for marriage," etc.)
A
male
reader, Uncle Trev  +, writes (31 October 2007):
Your partner may not believe in marriage, have you thought of that?
Everyone works their own speed in relationships - getting engaged or married by a certain time is not important.
If you go around dictating direction and placing ultimateums like this I gather it will not be long before you find yourself without a partner.
You say nothing about his aspirations for the future - like where he sees himself in five years time - it seems you are so concerned about what you want out of this you have failed to see what he wants out of it and therefore do not know how compatible you both are toward each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Where do you think you should be? It your goal is to be married, then own up to it. Tell him your goal and what you want, and be prepared to leave if his response isn't suited. My advice is never give an ultimatum about marriage to a man. I've known several who married women who gave their husbands ultimatums, and those husbands ended up straying on them. Figure out what you want, and then focus on that.
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A
male
reader, PhilManco +, writes (30 October 2007):
 Hmm... if you are asking the question, then I would say that one of you is probably not ready for "the next step." As Baby Duck said, the human heart follows no standard time table. Relationships progress at their own rate, based on the individuals in said relationship.
Still, I'm a little surprised that marriage has NEVER come up after three years. If it hasn't, then my guess is that one of the two of you is not ready for that step.
As with practically every question on this site, the answer is "talk to him." DO NOT give ultimatums, but just see where he stands on the issue. See if it's something he ever thinks about. Maybe he's thinking the same thing, wondering why YOU never mention it!
Good luck.
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