A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm engaged to be married in a few months and I'm having doubts about the whole thing. When I was 19, I got pregnant with my boyfriend at that time and we went to Britain together where I had an abortion and things were never right between us after that. I can't say that he changed, but I did. I didn't want to have sex with him after the abortion, and I never did again. My sex drive was never that high anyway, so it didn't matter all that much to me. But of course it mattered to him and so we eventually broke up because of that.Years later, I met my fiance and we have been together now for a couple of years. He is divorced and he and his wife didn't have any children.He knows all about the abortion and accepts that this was what was right for me.We have sex and it's fine, in fact I enjoy it, but I never look forward to it, I never initiate, and to be honest I wouldn't really care if we never had it. But I know it is important to him so I pretend to be all on for it. He is a really good guy and we have what I consider to be a loving relationship. I can't talk to anybody about this because if I do and then I go ahead with the wedding they would always know that I had doubts. Should I marry him even though I don't really fancy him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): My bf went through something similar when he was younger, he's 24 now and I'm 22. When he was 18, he got his 16 year old gf pregnant. Without telling him, she got an abortion, and they ended shortly after. He was ready to marry her and do the right thing and whatever it took to make things right. He was destroyed when she didn't consult him until after.
That was 6 years ago, and he still has issues with it; wary of sex, touchy around that time of year, when we do have sex, it's almost emotionless because he's too worried about something going wrong. While he has definitely grown an incredible amount in that department, he will now even initiate it once in a while, I know he will forever have that on his shoulders.
Now I really don't know what to tell you to help you, but I know what helped him. It was just being open with me, and us taking it slow. We have been together almost a year and a half, met 5 years after he was with her, and we just now became active a few months ago. We took it slow, and he controlled the pace based on what he was comfortable with. Sometimes we even had to backtrack if he became uncomfortable.
All I can say is maybe, postpone the weeding a bit. Take it slow with your man and get back to the roots of your love and of your relationship. I wish you the best of luck, and hope everything works out for the best.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (6 August 2013):
 do you just have a really low sex drive in general, after the abortion? or is it just with him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): Marriage is a commitment for life. Why would you marry him if you "don't really fancy him?"
You would look a man in his eyes, falsely take vows of matrimony, and not truly love him?
You said you have changed?
I don't know how; but if dishonesty is part of your past. You haven't changed there.
You do not marry for convenience or financial security. You do not marry because you don't have the nerve to break the engagement. You do not marry a person you do not love with all your heart.
You have doubts?
I hope what I've said will help you to do the right thing; before you go and ruin some poor guy's life.
I you marry him for any reason but love, it will come back as the appropriate karma.
You'll both be living in your lie. He doesn't need, nor deserve a fake wife.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2013):
 Have you considered that your lack of sex drive/lust is fear based?
That you (psychologically) connects sex with the whole event (pregnant, scared, abortion) and therefore do not want sex? To me that kind of makes sense.
Have you talked to anyone (counselor/therapist) about the abortion? Because yes, it's is NOT strange that you changed afterwards, people assume that it's not (not saying YOU but many who don't go though it) a big deal, but you go though the initial pregnancy hormones, you go though the whole self-doubt/self-loathing and to top it off you might even feel others judge you for it.
Don't fake sex, don't fake being enthusiastic. I would suggest you figure out why you feel the way you do. Is is because of HIM or your past bad experience and go from there.
So I would definitely wait to get married til you figure this out.
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