A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I Broke up with my ex 5 years ago. (Together for one year) I was so in love with her ... she was exactly the type of girl I wanted except for she was a bitch to me and her very close knit family hated me. I tried really hard to fix things with her but gave up eventually. I dated another girl for while a few months after then I met my current girlfriend. I really thought my ex was the one that got away until I met this girl. Shes smart and beautiful and funny. We have plans to start a family together soon. Problem is.. I still think about my ex often enough. And when me and my current girlfriend have a big argument, I tend to look my ex up on Facebook and think about her and what could have been.. I know rationally that I could never get back together with my ex and be happy so I wouldn't. Maybe it's just curiosity. My girlfriend has known in the past about me checking up on my ex and freaked out as she knows how I felt about that girl. But she has nothing to worry about because I love her. What do you all think??
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015): Having read your question again, I think you are compartmentalising here to make it ok in your head.what I mean by this is you discuss your ex and your overwhelming love for her. Then discuss factors and facts as you see them that meant you could not be together. ....she was a bitch, her family hated you, you couldn't be together now as it wouldn't work....etc- and all five years on.You discuss your partner as 'current', discuss facts as you see them- beautiful etc you two want to start a family etc etc. All very logical and rational and practical reasons for being with her.yet the emotional diversity here is emmence. The shear face you can state what you are doing, then box it up by almost dismissing it with a statement of your girlfriend knowing you love her falls very short in regard to the reality of your actions. What I suspect is that you know it isn't on at all, it's wrong, but more than that is you are aware that there remains the reason why you are doing this- and that I think is what is bothering you the most here. ... That is why I say you should be honest with your girlfriend, because this is a bigger problem then you are painting it to yourself. I'm not entirely sure it's about wanting to get back with your ex....You are dealing with something in a way that has the potential to wreck your relationship, and I'd lay money on if you two split up you would be doing exactly the same thing in your next relationship only you'd be looking up your current girls profile.There are several components at play here In my opinion;how you conduct yourself in a relationship and whyhow you justify and excuse actions that you know are unacceptablehow you really see and treat your girlfriend how these components engage and interact with each other and therefore how you compartmentalise them in order for you to be ok with it all.I think you should tell your girlfriend, knowing it may wreck your relationship and she may leave you, but knowing it's the right thing.....what you are doing has no place in your relationship, and the thinking of your ex often bit is almost more alarming. then you need to work on yourself, maybe with a professional- to look at getting over the relationship you had five years ago, because there is little evidence that you have.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015): If your ex is on your mind enough for you to be looking her up then your gf sure does have something to worry about . Why should she be ok with being with a guy who thinks of another woman when she could have a guy who dreams of being with her only?Women are not toys to be rated as first place ( would love to be with her but can't because of various issues ) and second place ( she will do seeing as I can't be with the one im thinking about )Honestly, if I was your gfs friend and she told me you do this , if advise her to find another man, one who dreams of her and her only.You owe it to you gf to tell her you do this and let her decide if she is happy to be second prize or set her free to find the man who adores her and thinks of no other
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 August 2015):
 You're being incredibly disrespectful to your girlfriend by your actions which are extremely immature. One thing's for sure though, you're not over the ex. She might have been a bitch and blah blah but the fact that you STILL look her up every time that you have a fight with your current Gf means that you miss your ex and the moments spent with her and that somewhere down the line, she still has a place in your heart. When things go wrong, you go running back to her in your mind because despite whatever was wrong and you say that RATIONALLY you could never be happy with her, your heart says otherwise.
I feel bad for your G/f because I was in her place in a previous relationship. I know what it feels like. You feel like shit, you feel absolutely worthless- that after everything I've done for the guy, he still thinks of the other woman. My ex was a compulsive cheat;there was always some woman or the other, which I realized later but it absolutely shattered my self-confidence when he looked up his ex in the way that you do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2015): If your ex is on your mind enough for you to be looking her up then your gf sure does have something to worry about . Why should she be ok with being with a guy who thinks of another woman when she could have a guy who dreams of being with her only?
Women are not toys to be rated as first place ( would love to be with her but can't because of various issues ) and second place ( she will do seeing as I can't be with the one im thinking about )
Honestly, if I was your gfs friend and she told me you do this , if advise her to find another man, one who dreams of her and her only.
You owe it to you gf to tell her you do this and let her decide if she is happy to be second prize or set her free to find the man who adores her and thinks of no other
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2015): Totally agree with chigirl. Looking up your ex is exceptionally disrespectful to your girlfriend and your commitment to her, especially since she has made her feelings about how it affects her so clear.I think you are using doing this as a way of coping with your feelings when you and your girl have argued, but it isn't healthy for you or your relationship. Block your ex from social media so she can't look you up or you her- it will be symbolic of you commiting to not endulging in this act further.If your girl found out it will affect your relationship and trust within it.how would you feel if she was doing the same? It'sgood that you feel guilty and know it's not right, but that isn't enough. If you can't stop then you need to ask yourself what is stopping you really? Because if the pull is that strong, something isn't right in your relationship. ...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 August 2015):
 I think it's a matter of self control. If you have it, you can actively choose to NOT look up your ex. You even said yourself it has no purpose and there's no point to it. You don't love your ex any longer, she was a bitch to you, and you are much happier now.
So, just realize that you're in full control of YOUR actions, and stop checking up your ex if it has no purpose. Or, continue to do it if you feel like it is more important than focusing on your current relationship and respecting your girlfriend.
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