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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I'm in a two year relationship and I started it out with a couple of lies that really had no effect either way. Well I should say truth wouldn't have hurt! I'm also a recovering addict and at the point of our relationship I had two years clean. Because of the lies that she found out about we've had a damaged base. At almost four years clean I fell out to drugs and Lori found out and she didn't take that too bad, but ever since she has detached as the ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) book had said to do, well this put me into a tailspin. At first it was 'we'll see each other on the weekends and talk on the phone at night'. I couldn't deal with that and called her often. Then it was 'give me some space to heal', and I was freaked out she was pulling away even farther. Then it was 'I'll call you when I'm ready and we won't see anyone else for 6 months and see what I do with my issues'. I called and called, now it's 'I don't want to see you anymore'. This is in a 6-week period. I seem to have a small sence of faith in us, but what should I do? I've felt abandoned. I go to counselling twice a week and meetings and do nothing but read and write so I'm not faltering in recovery. chris
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): Stop calling her! I know it's tough sometimes, but that's the way to go guy! Instead of talking face to face or phone to phone, try giving her space, and write her a letter instead. I find letters to be much more easier and less confusing, cuz you get to spill your hearts, refine it a bit, and then send it off to her court. If she reads it, responds, great, if not, then wait it out a bit. Call her occasionally, to show support, but stop asking questions like "So when can we see each other again?" Instead ask, "So how have you been doing? I heard snow will be flowing the next few days. Bunch up and sleep early with more blankets! Then have some idle chat and say your good nights."
Oops, just read the first post of a replier - yes, letter or email... Haha! 8]
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): TIME, Let me tell you that there is no way she can loose what she feel's in that amount of time! Space is the key word! she will be back trust me ,but it has to be on her terms..good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): You felt abandoned? You were the one that was dishonest. It sounds like its over. Dont lie to your next girlfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2005): Chris, congratulations at having the perseverence and strength to keep working hard at your recovery. One of the things, some addicts in recovery forget-is the painfully manipulative behaviours (lying, guilt, etc) they use on their loved ones. If this was you-then yes, your gf may have detached herself from your problems, likely to give herself a break and some breathing space to allow you to do this on your own. She could be thinking that if she is always helping you to divert the little crisises, she'll take away the opportunity for you to work it out, on your own. The easier she makes it for you, the harder it will be for you to perceive the problem and stay on track with your recovery. By trying to save you from yourself and always enabling you, she is doing both herself and you, a disservice. The deception, the lies, the manipulations-all concious and unconcious behaviour tactics addicts do use-to take advantage of the emotions of those closest to them. Be honest..did you use these tactics on her, without even realizing what you were doing? The problem is-your gf knew and it caused her pain. It could be she no longer wants appease or patronize you, anymore. So, who could blame her for distancing herself, then? There is nothing you can do to make Lori, come back to you or be more attentive to you. You are on your own, dear. Just keep working at your recovery and build your life again-strive to regain your footing. In time, she will see the hard work and efforts you have done and will be able to resume a committed, balanced, loving relationship with you, again. But you need to remember your addiction is a disease which will always affect you and those who love you, like your gf. You will always have to be self-aware and concious of your addiction and the destructive, manipulative behaviours that accompany the disease, Chris. Sometimes, it won't be easy. But in order for you to live a drug-free life, it's essential you take this time to stay in recovery and get some support and help from counselors, trained to work with addictions. Focus mostly on yourself and your health, right now. Allow your gf some space..she needs that now. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery...Stay on track-Stay strong and heal. Take Care.
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female
reader, averageblonde +, writes (13 November 2005):
Hi. I think that what you need to do is talk to her about it. You need to tell her why you didn't tell her that you were a recovering addict. Also, think about that yourself. You need to ask yourself why you did this. Was it because you were afraid that she would dismiss you right away? Or maybe it was because you were afraid that she wouldn't see the real you. Tell her this. It will really help.
Tell her all the effort that you are putting into your recovery. You need to let her see that you won't falter or "fall off the wagon." Maybe that's what she's afraid of. Ask her what her fears were when she found this out and then address them.
I would suggest writing this to her in an e-mail or letter because then you have time to organize your thoughts and make sure that everything comes out exactly the way you want it to. Good Luck!
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